when does being "the smart one" stop being a social liability?

[Anonymous]

Maybe some kids whose lives center on recess-friendly team sports as a form of social engineering directly or indirectly learn to equate success with competing and winning. Maybe they didn’t put in twenty minutes of reading each night in earlier grades because they had two different practices or games etc. maybe their parent guided the math too closely in the interest of time. The kid who did read and learned from the mistakes he made on the math homework happens to know something at school that the other kid who equates success with winning doesn’t. That kid’s self-image is potentially taking a hit because they’ve lost a lot of ground over the years by spending most of their time committed to team sports. They can’t make it up on the spot, so they make fun of the kid who knows the answer. If the kid being mocked for having nurtured a skill over time is a flexible thinker, they might even recognize this is what’s going on and don’t want to hurt the other kid’s feelings so they look like a doormat. The dynamic changes during high school as both kids mature and expectations and social capital shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

Right out of a teen movie that’s fantasy. Kids don’t give a shit where parents went to school. Athletic does not automatically go with smart, usually doesn’t.

There are too many of those parents in the DC that are socially awkward, nerdy and not all that good looking. But according to you they all produce good looking athletic smart kids. Right

Help this makes no sense.

Really? You can't understand that, for example, kids in a place like West Texas are encouraged to play football because it's their only shot at college, both academically and financially? Not every school attracts good-looking, all-American lax players with blonde girlfriends.

The probability of becoming a pro football player is 0.

There are 2000 NFL players total, and only a slice retire and get replaced each year.

And if for some bizarre reason a random kid in West Texas has a chance, why would they encourage competition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High achievers are not necessarily cool at my kids’ school. Which is very different than my own high school experience. The coolest kids at my kid’s school will likely go on to community college.

So there’s that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being smart is not a liability. It is how you carry yourself. For boys, athleticism often has the most social capital. I have one boy in middle and high school. We live in an area with a well educated population so many parents from top universities. No one is teasing anyone for being smart. The most popular boys are often rich, good looking, athletic and also smart.

This is part of the issue - he plays golf and swims, though neither are school sports. His classmates all play football and make fun of him for not doing so.

But we do not live in a highly educated area anymore.

You move to Texas? Lol.

Maybe he loves those things but maybe you need to help him diversify his activities away from all the preppy stuff. I doubt it's just his 'smarts' but the whole package.

I went to college with a competitive tennis player from Texas who said tennis was such a big deal in his town it was like Friday Night Lights! Everyone cared about it. I'm sure they cared about football, too. The town was probably obsessed with all sports.

I realize this is an irrelevant comment but just wanted to share that weird nugget!

He was lying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My WISC score was 142 according to my parents. I always had the highest grades in es. No one ever made fun of me for it.

I’m not saying no one made fun of your son for it, but I would guess that there is something else going on—most likely social skills that are not at par. But it could be anything.

Elementary school ? Are you kidding me? Probably because they didn’t post who got the highest grades if they even did letter grades so no one knew or cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering. 11 yo DS is constantly made fun of, and I'm curious if/when this gets better.

I'm not sure. DD is 21 and still has interpersonal struggles.

Part of the problem is she needs everyone to know how smart she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not the intelligence, it’s something else. In a school with more smart kids it probably wouldn’t happen. Or he might be bragging or talking too much in class.

This.

My 8th grader has near perfect grades. He had lots of friends and is social.

[Anonymous]

The parents saying that being smart has never been a social liability have ZERO experience in a school where success in school is not valued by the majority of the school population. This was certainly the case during my schooling. It was socially encouraged not to “try” in class. To try or to be smart was being a swot, stuck up or a teachers pet. I learned to lie about my grades and the amount of time I’d spent on homework. I’d tell my peers I’d failed a test or got low marks on an assignment so that I was more socially accepted. In a school where kids don’t value success it is ABSOLUTELY a social liability to be smart.

Fortunately my kids have not experienced this and are both in very academically focused programs where doing well is socially encouraged and rewarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents saying that being smart has never been a social liability have ZERO experience in a school where success in school is not valued by the majority of the school population. This was certainly the case during my schooling. It was socially encouraged not to “try” in class. To try or to be smart was being a swot, stuck up or a teachers pet. I learned to lie about my grades and the amount of time I’d spent on homework. I’d tell my peers I’d failed a test or got low marks on an assignment so that I was more socially accepted. In a school where kids don’t value success it is ABSOLUTELY a social liability to be smart.

Fortunately my kids have not experienced this and are both in very academically focused programs where doing well is socially encouraged and rewarded.

NP, I don't doubt that these environments exist. I am puzzled that educated parents would put their academically smart willingly into one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents saying that being smart has never been a social liability have ZERO experience in a school where success in school is not valued by the majority of the school population. This was certainly the case during my schooling. It was socially encouraged not to “try” in class. To try or to be smart was being a swot, stuck up or a teachers pet. I learned to lie about my grades and the amount of time I’d spent on homework. I’d tell my peers I’d failed a test or got low marks on an assignment so that I was more socially accepted. In a school where kids don’t value success it is ABSOLUTELY a social liability to be smart.

Fortunately my kids have not experienced this and are both in very academically focused programs where doing well is socially encouraged and rewarded.

NP, I don't doubt that these environments exist. I am puzzled that educated parents would put their academically smart willingly into one.

My parents did. There was no alternative, it was the local public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents saying that being smart has never been a social liability have ZERO experience in a school where success in school is not valued by the majority of the school population. This was certainly the case during my schooling. It was socially encouraged not to “try” in class. To try or to be smart was being a swot, stuck up or a teachers pet. I learned to lie about my grades and the amount of time I’d spent on homework. I’d tell my peers I’d failed a test or got low marks on an assignment so that I was more socially accepted. In a school where kids don’t value success it is ABSOLUTELY a social liability to be smart.

Fortunately my kids have not experienced this and are both in very academically focused programs where doing well is socially encouraged and rewarded.

I went to a blue collar school where it wasn’t necessarily an asset—but I wasn’t teased for it either (or only affectionately by friends). Some of it is learning to own your differences and becoming less fun to tease.

[Anonymous]

Is there perhaps something else going on socially? My DD had some issues with being teased and excluded and I had trouble pinpointing why until she was diagnosed with ADHD though I’m still not sure that was the entire cause. I think her grade was just full of mean girls and she was an easy target as an introvert. I was surprised to find that the smart kids at our ES were popular and that continued right through HS. It was not the case in my day where I didn’t want anyone to think I was smart. How ridiculous to think back to the wasted opportunities because I worried too much what peers thought. DS is now in HS and due to disabilities works his butt off and isn’t always successful. He is very self-conscious that his friends are in APs and straight A students. These are athletes and popular kids by the way. It might not be this way everywhere but it is where we are.

[Anonymous]

It never was for either of my DSs. This must be school specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering. 11 yo DS is constantly made fun of, and I'm curious if/when this gets better.

In most good Wash DC public or private schools being smart is cool.

Being smart and obnoxious or hyperactive, is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not the intelligence, it’s something else. In a school with more smart kids it probably wouldn’t happen. Or he might be bragging or talking too much in class.

He stopped talking two years ago and has made great social strides since then. They're literally looking over his shoulder and seeing his grades when tests/homework are returned.

That’s weird. Is this Catholic school? No online portal?

What grade does this even happen?