How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it is about the money for DD and honestly that’s understandable. It sounds like this marriage from the get go was about OP and her husband and not a real unification of the step-kids at all. Maybe DD was tolerant of that for years but the ramifications financially of this rather distant set up and its implications for her future are sinking in now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

+2

These are your chickens coming home to roost. You need to have a conversation with your husband. You should have had it years ago so you could plan properly. Your daughter is not a part of either family and this situation is everything converging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is about the money for DD and honestly that’s understandable. It sounds like this marriage from the get go was about OP and her husband and not a real unification of the step-kids at all. Maybe DD was tolerant of that for years but the ramifications financially of this rather distant set up and its implications for her future are sinking in now.

But even the way you frame it shows it's not just about the money. The money is the way that the lack of family integration is manifesting. The marriage is about OP and her husband, and the daughter is not really family. Probably this is driven home every holiday and birthday, via the disparity in gifts. But this is something more important, and it's really sending home the message that DD isn't a full member of this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP, I was in a situation similar to your daughter’s. My mom remarried my first semester of college and I lost all my financial aid. My stepdad stated that he was marrying my mom, not us, and did not pay for anything. I got through financially because my grandmother passed and gave me money for college.

I saw, and still see my mom as a whore.

I’m now married with three kids and have already paid their college before they start elementary school (I understand not everyone can do that). I’m a multimillionaire. Although my mom and her husband have a good pension, they have very little in savings. The pension will be reduced greatly when stepdad passes and my mom will need support. I absolutely will not financially assist a whore.

I imagine your daughter will see you this way. When someone marries you, if they aren’t including your kids in their family, you’re a whore. Worse than a whore - you’re a whore who sells out your own daughter.

Wow! I felt this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Hi OP, I was in a situation similar to your daughter’s. My mom remarried my first semester of college and I lost all my financial aid. My stepdad stated that he was marrying my mom, not us, and did not pay for anything. I got through financially because my grandmother passed and gave me money for college.

I saw, and still see my mom as a whore.

I’m now married with three kids and have already paid their college before they start elementary school (I understand not everyone can do that). I’m a multimillionaire. Although my mom and her husband have a good pension, they have very little in savings. The pension will be reduced greatly when stepdad passes and my mom will need support. I absolutely will not financially assist a whore.

I imagine your daughter will see you this way. When someone marries you, if they aren’t including your kids in their family, you’re a whore. Worse than a whore - you’re a whore who sells out your own daughter.

This.

My mom never once visited me at college, at my apartment after college, when I had a baby… and I was 20 minutes away.

Now she wonders why I won’t visit her.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you feel comfortable asking him to help? I think that’s a really odd sign. You sound more like a live-in mistress. Your daughter is treated like Cinderella. You allow and condone it. The biggest damage is you betraying her. You need to mend that damage first. Choose her over your husband. Show her that she means more to you than your ‘embarrassment’ or losing his good opinion or him altogether. It’s not too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can not believe people are giving the OP, a single mom with a dead beat ex, such a hard time about having saved 30k for in state UMD!!!

That’s so much more than just kids get!!

+1

I don’t judge her for that. I judge her for destroying her daughter’s ability to qualify for financial aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

+2

These are your chickens coming home to roost. You need to have a conversation with your husband. You should have had it years ago so you could plan properly. Your daughter is not a part of either family and this situation is everything converging.

+3

Why did you get married rather than just live together? It sounds like your daughter is a hard worker and you’ve taken away her chance of receiving financial aid to marry someone who you apparently can’t even just TALK to about this topic? I know people in your situation and they lived together to avoid issues like this one. You need to talk to your husband and figure this out. It’s not fair to your daughter to be counted in a high-income household when she doesn’t have access to any of that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

+2

These are your chickens coming home to roost. You need to have a conversation with your husband. You should have had it years ago so you could plan properly. Your daughter is not a part of either family and this situation is everything converging.

+3

Why did you get married rather than just live together? It sounds like your daughter is a hard worker and you’ve taken away her chance of receiving financial aid to marry someone who you apparently can’t even just TALK to about this topic? I know people in your situation and they lived together to avoid issues like this one. You need to talk to your husband and figure this out. It’s not fair to your daughter to be counted in a high-income household when she doesn’t have access to any of that money.

Also I’m the PP and I forgot to add that I gave the +3 because I think it’s not really about the money for the daughter, it’s about being treated like a second class citizen. But I still think as her mother you are obligated to talk to DH to try and figure out a plan for her college that’s reasonable given your household circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I have a solution. Have dd apply to the expensive colleges. If she gets in, you take out loans to pay for it. Eventually, you’ll pay it off, and dd will feel like she’s being treated the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief there is so much bad incorrect advice here.
1. She can’t make herself not be a dependent. Unless she has a kid,gets married, or is 24 she is considered a dependent.
2. She can’t take out enough loans for a private! Direct loans to students are capped at fr 3500, soph 4500 , jr/sr 5500. If you are talking about a private college she can’t take out enough loans even if she wanted to. You would have to take out a PLUS loan for parents or co-sign a private loan for her which would be a horrible move.
3. Since you are remarried for financial aid purposes your husbands income will count so she won’t get any need based aid.
4. Your daughter is proving she doesn’t deserve his generosity. You’ve been married a couple of years and he thinks she is entitled to about 200k and she is talking shit to his daughters who by the way have a mom who makes great money.

It doesn’t matter whether any of us believe she is entitled to the money. The financial aid officers will count his income against her. Her mother needs to talk to her husband and figure this out. She needs to figure out a way to put her daughter first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

I think that OP married when her daughter was 12 or 13. And she married a man she can't even talk to about this stuff, who she can't even imagine would spend a penny on her daughter's education, and she's more worried about his feelings than her daughter's. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+4. Exactly. You sold your daughter out. For what?

Why did you get married knowing it would be so cruel to her? What difference would it have made to you to just life together? Your DH doesn’t owe your daughter college support but YOU owe your daughter better than this. She deserved the opportunity to ask for aideedlefting her true family assets. You stole that from her. If you love her and want a relationship with her you need to fix that. If you can’t or won’t , owe what it will do to your relationship and also to her, in being betrayed by her mother and such a challenging time in her life.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

+2

These are your chickens coming home to roost. You need to have a conversation with your husband. You should have had it years ago so you could plan properly. Your daughter is not a part of either family and this situation is everything converging.

+3

Why did you get married rather than just live together? It sounds like your daughter is a hard worker and you’ve taken away her chance of receiving financial aid to marry someone who you apparently can’t even just TALK to about this topic? I know people in your situation and they lived together to avoid issues like this one. You need to talk to your husband and figure this out. It’s not fair to your daughter to be counted in a high-income household when she doesn’t have access to any of that money.