How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

+1

This. It's not really about the money, or the daughter's sense of entitlement to the money. It's about the way that her daughter is on the outside of her own family. The money is a proxy for these issues.

+2

These are your chickens coming home to roost. You need to have a conversation with your husband. You should have had it years ago so you could plan properly. Your daughter is not a part of either family and this situation is everything converging.

Yes, this and Cinderella post really stick out in my mind. You didn't marry with adult children. You married with little ones, and yours is treated like Cinderella. I hope DH will chip in so your daughter can participate at same school as her stepsisters.

[Anonymous]

I have some neighbors who married when the guys son was 15 or so. They then had two kids. When the teen went to college it was paid for half by the birth mom and half by the birth dad. The newly married woman does not contribute to the stepsons college tuition, room or board.

I don’t know what she would have contributed if the birth mom was not active and solvent eno if h to save and contribute.

I don’t know if the new wife was rich, wealthy or making tons of money would have done. I do know she is saving and spending for her own retirement and two young kids’ futures.

This is not cut and dry for OP. But having a big group conversation on it with birth parents and step parents is greatly needed. Good luck w the applications

[Anonymous]

I’m disappointed in your DH.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how wealthy the DH is- if he truly has gobs of money that dropping $400k on college tuition is nothing (would not affect his retirement or other obligations)— that’s a different story than if he is well off (has a solid job) with savings but isn’t Uber rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some neighbors who married when the guys son was 15 or so. They then had two kids. When the teen went to college it was paid for half by the birth mom and half by the birth dad. The newly married woman does not contribute to the stepsons college tuition, room or board.

I don’t know what she would have contributed if the birth mom was not active and solvent eno if h to save and contribute.

I don’t know if the new wife was rich, wealthy or making tons of money would have done. I do know she is saving and spending for her own retirement and two young kids’ futures.

This is not cut and dry for OP. But having a big group conversation on it with birth parents and step parents is greatly needed. Good luck w the applications

This isn't comparable. OP says her husband has the money and will only provide basics for her daughter. He has been her stepdad for 5 years, so assume Mom/Stepdad have been together 6 years. This kid has no one. Dad isn't involved, mom cares more about her husband, than daughter and she's the outcast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have some neighbors who married when the guys son was 15 or so. They then had two kids. When the teen went to college it was paid for half by the birth mom and half by the birth dad. The newly married woman does not contribute to the stepsons college tuition, room or board.

I don’t know what she would have contributed if the birth mom was not active and solvent eno if h to save and contribute.

I don’t know if the new wife was rich, wealthy or making tons of money would have done. I do know she is saving and spending for her own retirement and two young kids’ futures.

This is not cut and dry for OP. But having a big group conversation on it with birth parents and step parents is greatly needed. Good luck w the applications

This isn't comparable. OP says her husband has the money and will only provide basics for her daughter. He has been her stepdad for 5 years, so assume Mom/Stepdad have been together 6 years. This kid has no one. Dad isn't involved, mom cares more about her husband, than daughter and she's the outcast.

I feel sorry for the daughter. She's smart, she's motivated. And yet all the adults in her life are so self-involved they can't scrape up the money to send her to a decent college. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

She has already been pushed away, so I doubt she cares about distancing herself further. She is figuring out where she stands in the family. Reality is she is an outsider. The damage done will be long lasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.[/quote]

And yet you can’t see how you are pushing your daughter away by creating this situation wherein she is not only routinely made to feel like a second class citizen in her own home but then also financially penalized, preventing her from getting aid to improve her future. I particularly like how you describe it as « just happenstance that you know these people » (ie the man you decided to marry) and claim that their lifestyle should have no bearing on dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.[/quote]


And yet you can’t see how you are pushing your daughter away by creating this situation wherein she is not only routinely made to feel like a second class citizen in her own home but then also financially penalized, preventing her from getting aid to improve her future. I particularly like how you describe it as « just happenstance that you know these people » (ie the man you decided to marry) and claim that their lifestyle should have no bearing on dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on how wealthy the DH is- if he truly has gobs of money that dropping $400k on college tuition is nothing (would not affect his retirement or other obligations)— that’s a different story than if he is well off (has a solid job) with savings but isn’t Uber rich.

There are no colleges that cost $100K a year. People need to stop with the $400K number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.[/quote]

And yet you can’t see how you are pushing your daughter away by creating this situation wherein she is not only routinely made to feel like a second class citizen in her own home but then also financially penalized, preventing her from getting aid to improve her future. I particularly like how you describe it as « just happenstance that you know these people » (ie the man you decided to marry) and claim that their lifestyle should have no bearing on dd.

DD would be better off living with her dad vs. mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

This. So weird. OP, didn’t you make a lifelong commitment to your new husband? How long gave y’all been married?

Why marry if You aren’t comfortable expressing your concerns/ challenges with your partner?

Do you have a prenup?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are destroying your relationship with your DD. While it's nice that you managed to save $30K for her college tuition, you have made choices in your personal life that are adversely affecting her. Your DD had no say in this "family" you attempted to create - and I use that term loosely because none of what you described sounds like an actual family, even by blended-family standards. I cannot imagine marrying a man who, to use your own words, doesn't view himself as a father figure to my young teenage children who live in the same house. Yet you're ok with that. You CHOSE to marry a man who wants no relationship with your child and you're giving him a pass. You thought you could marry this guy and have a better life with seemingly zero thought as to how your DD fit into the picture. You are "family" in certain respects but not others - and you expect a 17yo to be understanding and accepting of this situation?

This is about money for college, certainly, but it's about so much more than that. You don't have much time left to salvage your relationship with your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

[Anonymous]

"I don't know what else I can do for her.".
OP's exact words. You are a terrible, selfish person, and it is not about the money, not really. What you can do for her is take out the loans for her education. No, not for a private school, but UMD. Make sure she doesn't start her life saddled with 90K in debt. Not sit there and cross your hands and watch her stepsisters have everything, which is not what truly bothers her, not really in the long run, maybe now as a teen, and show her that her mom cares about her. Get an evening job, don't marry a loser that makes you split even household expenses. Show her you care. But you can't do that. You care more about the douchebag you married and blame your 17-year old for something that you screwed up.
And no, it is not that you screwed up the money, but you did screw that up too. It is that you have forsaken your own child and chose to make her a Cinderella while you became an evil mom, not an evil stepmom, an evil mom.
Appalling all-around how you write about your dd.