How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you say you and your DH have completely kept the kids and finances separate, are you saying that for the last 6 years for every birthday (and Christmas if you celebrate it), your DD has watched her step sisters open up $1000 iPhones while you’ve handed her a sweater and expected her to be grateful? At 13, 15, 17? She is clearly lashing out because of years of feeling like a second rate citizen in her own home. And your attitude is basically that she needs to stop being rude to her privileged step sisters. You’re not wrong about her needing to accept the financial situation as it is (although it completely sucks that you got your security at her expense because your DH blocks her ability to get aid), or about her being unfair to her step sisters, but you seem oblivious to the fact that you helped create this unequal treatment, and you also seem to be more concerned about your DH and his kids than your own daughter’s future. I feel bad for her, and suspect your relationship in the future will not be great. But I’m not sure you really care that much.

+half siblings getting things like iPhones etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she was a teen already when her parents remarried,

OP clarified that they've been married since this kid was 12. So, OP has had 5 years to save for college while probably not paying for housing etc . . . , and the step father has had 5 years to form a relationship with this child, and the kid has been watching this enormously uneven treatment since she was too young to make any sense of it.

+1
OP works but has only 30k savings from 5 years of no need to pay for housing, food, utilities, clothing???
And There are 5 more years until she finishes college, how’s 30k all you can contribute even without the new H?

Because she was a broke ass single parent for a lot of years what is it you don’t understand why is it so hard for people to understand that everybody does not have the financial wherewithal to pay their rent mortgage car insurance medical bills etc. etc. and save for college and save for retirement do you think everybody makes six figures ??

Not in the last five years she hasn’t been a broke single parent. In five years she put away less than $6000/year while having fewer living expenses. Less than $500 month, while not paying rent.

[Anonymous]

Life is not fair. She will live. She will not disrespect that man in the home he provides for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is not fair. She will live. She will not disrespect that man in the home he provides for her.

Providing a home for the minor child of his wife. Wow, some of you have very low standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is not fair. She will live. She will not disrespect that man in the home he provides for her.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA you have clearly never met a seventeen year old girl.

[Anonymous]

This poor girl is truly a Cinderella! OP has two stepdds who have everything they want and more, and she is upset with her DD who lives with them and should figure it out and be grateful for what she....gets screwed out of!

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't think this through at all. You thought you could marry a man with minor children, and you could somehow keep your families separate from your marriage? You and your DH are both deeply selfish. Why get married at all, then? If you keep your finances separate, then why live in the same home?

It seems like this is about money but it's actually about family. When you marry someone, that person becomes your family. Their family becomes your family. Trust me, I am reminded of it every time I have to deal with my ILs. And a minor child is a more important family relationships than any adult IL. This isn't about not having enough money to send your daughter to some fancy private college. I went to my instate university and have zero regrets -- I graduated without debt and it was what my family could afford. MY FAMILY. My siblings were in the same boat.

She will likely resent you for this, and just remember it's not about the money. It's about being excluded from your changed circumstances. She has already had to deal with her parents divorcing, her mother remarrying. And now she is reminded at every turn that her mother's new family isn't really her family. You did this on your own.

Don't be surprised when she stops coming home, starts skipping holidays and summers, just drops a phone call on your birthday or Mother's Day instead of visiting or sending a card or gift. You moved on. Now she will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

You could divorce her step father.

I can't imagine marrying someone whose values were so awful that they wouldn't provide for a child living under their own roof.

+1. Why wouldn’t you wait until your child had left home to marry this man if he wasn’t all in on your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you didn’t choose to marry this man your kid would qualify for aid but because you did she’s screwed?

The only explanations I can come up with are:

1) The sex was really good so it was worth screwing you

or

2) I wanted to live rich for the rest of my life. Even if it has permanent impact on your earning power.

Perhaps say one of those things?

Oh please this is highly exaggerated. The girl can take a year off and get off their taxes as a dependent.

NP here. Comments are extremely ignorant of how FAFSA works. It does not matter if she’s on their taxes as a dependent or not. If she’s under 23 years old her financial aid is tied to her parents income, period. The only exception is if you’re married or if you have a child.

This girl would have to wait 5 years to qualify for the aid she would have received if her mom hadn’t remarried. That has to sting. OP why don’t you bring up getting a divorce on paper from your husband? You can remarry when your daughter is a senior. Objectively you really screwed her over by getting remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

Just to break this down; the thing that makes you feel like you’ve failed your daughter is that she’s lashing out at her stepsister, not that you have actually failed to provide her with the means for a college education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married a man who can but will not pay for college for his wife's dd? What kind of desperate person are you?

Nowhere does OP say that she asked her new DH to pay and he said no. And OP also isn’t asking about problem solving the financial piece, she’s asking for advice on how to stop DD from ruining relationships with her step family.

Remember the post where a second wife was angry about “gross behavior” from the grandma who favored her bio grandkids? Most people piled on OP saying that grandma had every right to want to spend time alone with her bio grandkids and OP needed to adjust her expectations. Well, paying for college is a LOT more than paying for ice cream and the posters who are crowing about OPs DD needing to be treated equally as her step sibs by her step dad are misguided.

I think all parents (step and bio) should meet to discuss DDs college situation and see what they are willing and able to do. Step dad should understand that the marriage cost DD financial aid. DD should understand that she may have to take on debt. OP may even want to have DD live with her bio dad for a while until this is resolved - just so DD doesn’t sabotage her relationships with her step family.

But first, what are DD’s stats? Is it even likely that she may be accepted to some of the top schools in the country? If not, this all becomes a non-issue. I know some kids who received VERY generous merit aid from top SLACs. Between merit aid and all parents pitching in, it might work. DD isn’t entitled to having step dad pay for college, but if I was OP, I would at least ask if he would be open to helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are acting like this stepsiblings don’t have another parent who is also contributing to the things that they get.

+1 Step step siblings have two rich parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, taking to heart something an above poster said about giving concrete advice, here is a thought I hope you will consider:

What would you do if it really mattered to you? Like really, top priority, let’s sit down and look at this like a team and problem solve mattered to you? Right now I feel like you’re asking how to make this problem go away so you can enjoy your wealthy lifestyle but I’m going to imagine you asked, how can I help my daughter not be forever impacted by my choice to remarry?

Some will sound crazy. But that’s what we do when things really matter right?

What if you refinanced your home at the current stupidly low interest rates to fund your daughters college, writing up legal documents that she owes you and your husband that money, but saving her the absurd interest rates charged on public school?

What if you moved to a state with really killer state schools? If she’s a good student UC Berkeley might be a hell of a lot more appealing than UMD.

What if you worked with her to legally emancipate herself? I believe that would make her eligible for loans (though you will need to work out health insurance)

What if she did two years at a community college and transferred for two to a dream school so she gets her diploma there— maybe in the next three years you could come up with $150K

What if you co-sign her loans and tell her, look, I have only been able to save for the last five years as you know but there is no reason in the next ten I can’t give you another $70,000 (or whatever— I am really shocked in five years married to a wealthy man you saved less than $6k per year for your daughters college...surely you could do more than that in the future?)

I am sure there are more. But I think I would have more love and respect for a mother who sat down and seriously tried everything to help me rather than someone who handed me a little money and expected me to go away.

+1

If you care about your daughter and want her to go to college, and also want her to feel loved and supported and truly a part of the family, then you need to work with her to find a real solution, not a suck-it-up-and-be-grateful-for-one-year-of-college-tuition solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are acting like this stepsiblings don’t have another parent who is also contributing to the things that they get.

+1 Step step siblings have two rich parents.

And the step parent has a wife snd an xH plus a child who can get loans.

My kids get ~$5K in loans.

Mom $30K
Dad. $10K
Stepdad $10K
Kid $5k plus $5k private loan

$50K

Scholarships are easier to get junior and senior year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a man who can but will not pay for college for his wife's dd? What kind of desperate person are you?

Nowhere does OP say that she asked her new DH to pay and he said no. And OP also isn’t asking about problem solving the financial piece, she’s asking for advice on how to stop DD from ruining relationships with her step family.

Remember the post where a second wife was angry about “gross behavior” from the grandma who favored her bio grandkids? Most people piled on OP saying that grandma had every right to want to spend time alone with her bio grandkids and OP needed to adjust her expectations. Well, paying for college is a LOT more than paying for ice cream and the posters who are crowing about OPs DD needing to be treated equally as her step sibs by her step dad are misguided.

I think all parents (step and bio) should meet to discuss DDs college situation and see what they are willing and able to do. Step dad should understand that the marriage cost DD financial aid. DD should understand that she may have to take on debt. OP may even want to have DD live with her bio dad for a while until this is resolved - just so DD doesn’t sabotage her relationships with her step family.

But first, what are DD’s stats? Is it even likely that she may be accepted to some of the top schools in the country? If not, this all becomes a non-issue. I know some kids who received VERY generous merit aid from top SLACs. Between merit aid and all parents pitching in, it might work. DD isn’t entitled to having step dad pay for college, but if I was OP, I would at least ask if he would be open to helping.

A grandma who had no part in the divorce and remarriage saga is not the same as someone who married this girl’s mom and has lived with her as a step-parent for 5+ years. Grandma’s financial situation also didn’t negatively impact the step grandkids future educational prospects.