Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.

Let's not go beating on the asian stereotype again. We're not in the 1950's! My husband is asian and neither he nor his parents would not dream of being overbearing in this manner to me.

Your husband may be Asian, but both DH and I are Asian and I can assure you that this is part of cultural thinking. Your DH may be the exception and there are exceptions. But this is perfectly normal in many Asian cultures, Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, Korean, Arab, etc...

I'm Indian. Your comments are not universal. I come from an area where new mothers are attended to by their mothers, not MILs. In fact, my (European) in-laws came during the birth of my children. My very old conservative Indian aunt (who is like a grandmother to me) tore my parents a new one when she realized. She couldn't believe it -- she said something like pregnant women need their own mother at this time.

Anyway, OP, I feel for you. Others have said it a lot better. I would be wary of anyone who wants to come and not miss a moment of the newborn's life. The rule of thumb for visitors in the immediate postpartum period should be that they are expected to prepare meals, do laundry, clean house, run errands, make sure new mom is eating or drinking. If the visitors sees their roles as anything else, they should visit at another time.

+1
Also Indian, same expectation from mom and MIL - when my mom had her first baby (before moving to US), she went to her parents house to have the baby and was waited on hand and foot by her parents. When my brother's baby was born, my parents were just awesome, they drove 5 hours, stayed in a hotel for a few nights and helped out where they could - especially with the cooking and cleaning while my SILs mom stayed with them. Just because you have an overbearing mother in law, doesn't mean the rest of us do.

[Anonymous]

How about this. Put your foot down about hotel for your inlaws. Have your mom plan to stay at home, but visit for a large part of the day. If you find yourself needing your mom overnight, then you can make that decision on the fly after the baby gets here. If you're like me, you'll be hyper stimulated from having so
Many people around that you'll relish the house with just your husband and your baby in it after they go back to the hotel / home.

[Anonymous]

I had the same argument with my husband OP. I had to get really graphic about what I'd heard to expect in terms of what a woman's body is going through. I said, "now seriously, do you want my mom in your space if you were dealing with all kinds of embarrassing bodily functions going on? I don't think so." Ultimately, I won and thank god because breastfeeding wasn't easy for me and there was a lot of topless trial and error, nipple shields, etc. going on. What men need to understand is the two-fold issue - yes, there's a new baby to celebrate but there's also mayor trauma and recovery to the mom's body that's not easy to handle.

[Anonymous]

OP - I hope that you are having a boy... and then please put yourself in your IL's shoes when he is having his first baby and communicates that he doesn't want you to visit for 2 weeks. Karma!

[Anonymous]

DH and I have three kids and we only got the postpartum visits right 2 of the 3 times. The first time there were just too many people in town at the same time. My parents stayed with us and luckily my neighbors allowed my in-laws to stay in the apartment over their garage b/c DH would not hear of asking them to stay in a hotel (your story sounds too familiar). I had an emergency section, DS wouldn't nurse, had jaundice, wasn't gaining weight, I ended up with PPD - it was awful.

The second time my birth was easier, our baby was healthier and I felt so much more confident. Our parents took turns coming (I think everyone realized how much of a mess the first time around was) and it was generally fine.

With DS3 the plan was the same as with DS2 except my in-laws dictated the day they were going to arrive which then sent my mom home earlier than I would have preferred. My in-laws arrived, invited extra family over to visit and did nothing to help feed them. No lie I had our crying baby in a sling while making dinner for my older two, DH was grilling for the adults and my toddler was having a tantrum while MIL and FIL sat on the couch and turned the volume of the tv up so they could hear the news. After they left my DH said to a neighbor that his parents were worthless and I could have kissed him.

We really tried to be equitable but pregnancy and childbirth IS NOT an equitable experience. Compromise is important in marriage and parenting, but sometimes the needs of one partner trump the wishes of the other.

I can so empathize with your concerns. You're getting close to your due date and things that seemed settled to your liking are suddenly up in the air. You're hormonal, probably nervous/scared about delivery, nursing, healing, etc. Your DH is probably scared too, but it would be so helpful if he followed your lead on this one.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I hope that you are having a boy... and then please put yourself in your IL's shoes when he is having his first baby and communicates that he doesn't want you to visit for 2 weeks. Karma!

Wow are you my MIL? You sound like a peach! OP is not being selfish she is trying to compromise. Why is it ok for her IL's to think that they can imede on OPs personal space at this time when she is going to be going through alot. There is nothing wrong with not wanting a million people in your home when you are going through one of the most traumatic things your body may ever go through mentally, physically, spiritually. Many mothers get depressed, overwhelmed, and although its supposed to be one of the most joyous times, for many it is not because its a struggle. She is not banning her IL's but wants to make sure she is comfprtable with all these changes. I see nothing wrong with having them stay at a hotel and then they can have occsional visits.

OP- also, I think another poster hit this topic well but I dont think your DH is educated on all the things that can happen after birth. It sounds like he has the view that you bring the baby home and then it all is in place but he does not know about YOUR recovery. Your body does not just bounce back physically or mentally and I think you should do some research print in out and then discuss with him so he becomes more familiar with WHY you dont want his IL's staying with you. Even if it is because you dont like them back it up with some concrete evidence as to why you need them to stay elsewhere.

Goodluck! The IL thing is hard...I feel your pain!

[Anonymous]

All this precious drama about the sacred postpartum period! You do realize that some of us come home, with infant, and except for an extra nap, go about our business with little problem? Nursing isn't always or usually an ordeal, or the human race would have ceased to exist a long time ago. Yes you bleed, but damn, it's not the end of the world.

All this expectation of disaster and no wonder you get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this precious drama about the sacred postpartum period! You do realize that some of us come home, with infant, and except for an extra nap, go about our business with little problem? Nursing isn't always or usually an ordeal, or the human race would have ceased to exist a long time ago. Yes you bleed, but damn, it's not the end of the world.

All this expectation of disaster and no wonder you get it.

Posts like this are ridiculous. If you are going to start discussing the history of time, please include things like the 40 days after birth and the lying-in period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The rule of thumb for visitors in the immediate postpartum period should be that they are expected to prepare meals, do laundry, clean house, run errands, make sure new mom is eating or drinking. If the visitors sees their roles as anything else, they should visit at another time.

Well said! This was MY rule of thumb. My parents (they are from Europe) did not come over until my son was about 3.5 weeks old. Sure, they missed the immediate time with him after the birth, but my Mom thought that DH and I needed bonding together as a family after the baby was born. I think, this was a good decision, but it would have not bothered me as much to have my family here. DH's relatives (not parents)are from the Midwest and VERY high maintenance. I told them that if they wanted to come over and stay at our tiny home, they would be expected to clean, cook meals, grocery-shop, do laundry, clean up after THEMSELVES etc. There would be NO sight-seeing trips to DC or the Smithsonian, NO shopping trips to Tyson's Corner or Pentagon City Mall etc. This cured them quickly of their desire and they stayed away. I would have LOVED LOVED to have my MIL here, but unfortunately she is no longer with us.

You have to put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

OP - I hope that you are having a boy... and then please put yourself in your IL's shoes when he is having his first baby and communicates that he doesn't want you to visit for 2 weeks. Karma!

Well, in addition to posting a really rude response, you're wrong. He doesn't have the baby. She does. Her body. That trumps what he or his parents want. True, some of us recover quickly. Some take longer. We don't know how OP will adjust, only she does. So, she should decide who stays close to her in the first few days and weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this precious drama about the sacred postpartum period! You do realize that some of us come home, with infant, and except for an extra nap, go about our business with little problem? Nursing isn't always or usually an ordeal, or the human race would have ceased to exist a long time ago. Yes you bleed, but damn, it's not the end of the world.

All this expectation of disaster and no wonder you get it.

I'm the pp who had the emergency section, sick baby and PPD. I never expected any of those things. In fact I naively thought everything was going to be easy breezy and unfortunately I was dumbstruck.

It doesn't hurt to set boundaries and create a cocoon for yourself to recover in post birth. If everything goes swimmingly and you feel great then celebrate and invite everyone over. If not, then you don't have to deal with making changes b/c you planned ahead.

A ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

[Anonymous]

I'm the pp who had the emergency section, sick baby and PPD. I never expected any of those things. In fact I naively thought everything was going to be easy breezy and unfortunately I was dumbstruck.

+1. I also had an unexpected emergency delivery, preeclampsia, forceps, major vaginal trauma, and ended up with PPD OCD.

I'm sure these types of things ALSO happened in the good ole days when we squatted in the rice paddy, squeezed out the baby, popped it on our back and kept working. Some moms were fine with a nap and a sponge bath, thanks pp. And a few other moms dropped dead or became suicidal or had a mental breakdown, so what, right? As long as the other relatives got to visit when they wanted to?

Childbirth doesn't happen to most of us many times in our lives. No reason why we shouldn't enforce good boundaries during this rare period. Maybe OP will be fine and maybe she won't. But she does not need houseguests. Maybe she's not as tough as you or the pinoeers. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Enough posters have hit on the solution of having OP's mom stay at her own (local) house and having the DH's parents stay in a hotel. So there is your consensus, OP, for what it's worth. By definition, the consensus is what a "reasonable" person would do.

You mentioned that you are a control freak. Could be that your husband is, too. I suspect that he fears that access to the newborn by the grandparents is an all-or-nothing proposition -- all for your mom, none for his parents. I think once you balance it out by having no grandparents staying overnight, and making it clear that all grandparents get to lay eyes upon the new wonder in your midst at some point in the early week or weeks, then DH's hostility will fade and his willingness to compromise will increase.

That new baby really needs the two of you -- you and DH -- working as a team. So find the best route to ensuring that both of you can be happy about this grandparent situation (which may mean that both of you are a little UNhappy), and that will set you on the right course for your physical and emotional recovery. He needs to understand better that you're going to need his support and that this will be a physically and emotionally demanding period. But you're less likely to get his full support if he feels like he has no control over whether he gets to share, in person, his joy and pride over the new baby with his parents; he'll be resentful. So have all the grandparents stay elsewhere. As a practical matter, I'm betting your mom will be there a lot of the time during the day and that his parents will pop-in for a few hours for a day or two, and then, having staked their claim to grandparenthood and oohed and ahhed over the new little one, they'll back off and go home.

These are stressful situations with no single "right" answer, but the consensus expressed on this board about having both sets of parents stay elsewhere comes as close as any, IMO. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Make it clear to your DH that your mom is coming to take care of YOU. You will need extra care and help at that time. Make it clear that you will not be waiting on his parents (or him) during that time, wherever they are staying.

[Anonymous]

OP, how is it going? Did your DH see the light?