Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

I agree with having DH talk to someone who's had a baby recently. He is out of his mind to go against your wishes on this.

Remind him that you are going to be a patient in a hospital, recovering. You need what you need to help you recover. If that's your mom, so be it. If it would make your DH more comfortable to have your mom come back and forth during the day, that seems a reasonable compromise (you might want some space, even from her, and it keeps one helpful person from being sleep-deprived). But there is no way that you should be expected to host guests immediately after the birth. No way.

Right after birth, I was still fumbling with breast-feeding, struggling both logistically and emotionally due to supplementing issues, trying to sleep whenever I could, and sobbing every late afternoon and evening whether I had a nap or not. And, since I had a c-section, DH was pretty busy taking care of me and the baby. I nursed 24-7, ate, and rested. He diapered, swaddled, shushed to sleep...it was intense, and I needed his focus and attention. I like my ILs well enough, but there is no way I wanted them staying with us. They came and visited briefly at the hospital (staying in a hotel) and then came down for the day about three weeks later, which was fine.

The ILs were incredibly rude in assuming what their role would be rather than asking you and DH what makes you comfortable. The first bath? Really? That's immediately after the birth. You probably don't want anyone but you and your DH there then.

Your DH needs to back you up here. This is not about his parents (or yours for that matter), but about you and your DH becoming parents and creating a new family. Setting appropriate boundaries is part of that. There will be times you want just your nuclear family, and you do not want the ILs thinking they can just invite themselves whenever.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand what you’re going through and it sucks. I’m very much in the same boat except my Mom will be flying cross county once I go into labor and will stay with us for the first couple of weeks. My DH wanted his local parents be the birth, around for the first bath etc, but we have decided that my mom takes priority and MIL/FIL can wait because I am going to be the one in pain and recovering and for that I don’t want my MIL I want my mom. I understand the argument that other pp have made about it being as much his baby as yours but if you have a painful birth (fingers crossed you won’t) you are the only one recovering. Perhaps you need to walk through all of the worst case with your DH to get him to understand what shape your body could be in, this is what I did -my DH had no idea what a csection or tear would mean for me following the birth.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wanted my mom and thought I'd be okay just working it out with a newborn, but really, I needed support. Hormones were all out of whack, and BF was a bit of a challenge for me. I was barely mobile at first, too. (rough birth). I didn't want anyone to see me. Tell DH that his parents can visit after the first month. By then, you will be able to entertain. Really, the first few weeks, you and he aren't really coping well anyway. You are up every couple of hours. You look and feel like hell and you're going to be on each other's nerves. His mom will understand. I'm sure she didn't want HER MIL there when DH was born, either. In a month, she'll get to visit with a LO who is awake and more interactive, anyway. That's what we did with my MIL and it really made for a much better visit and much better relationships all around.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I compromised by telling both sets of parents that they were welcome to come whenever they liked, but could not stay with us. Everyone had to get a hotel or stay home.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are not being unreasonable AT ALL. My DH and I went through this same whole thing although he was not being as quite as difficult as yours. I felt like it was easier to reason with him when we stepped away from the situation, came back and discussed it rationally. Both of your emotions are on high.

I think you should set up a time to talk to him about this in advance, so you both have time to think about your own points of view and try to stay calm. Then you can explain that you simply are not comfortable. I would focus more on the privacy issues (walking around topless, passing huge blood clots, etc) - at least for me those seemed to make more of a difference to my DH than "but I'm more comfortable around my mom!".

I would ultimately shoot for some kind of agreement where they are wlecome to come IF they stay in a hotel and limit visiting hours to 2 hours per day. I would not give in any more than that. If necessary, get your doctor involved? Maybe DH just doesn't understand what it's like after birth. Another last resort could be calling his mom yourself and very kindly just sharing how you feel with her. I do not have a particularly close relationship with DH's parents, but they are good people, and if it had come to this I would have called them up myself. I cannot imagine that any woman who is a decent person would deny you your right to privacy.

[Anonymous]

If your husband won't tell them, you should call them yourself (not ideal) and tell them that your mom plans to stay with you the first few days, in your house. You and her have a close relationship and you want her support during a very emotional time. You can communicate to them that they are either welcome to come up and stay in a hotel, or wait a week and stay at your house (if that is a good compromised). this is one option! hope things work out okay.

[Anonymous]

Also, if things get REALLY bad. you could take the baby over to your mom's house (sigh) I know that would cause a lot of drama though.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband when he gestates a human being for 9 months and then pushes it out of his body he can have whoever he wants around while he recovers.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about this situation, OP. You totally have a point, and I don't think you're overreacting at all. I'd have killed my husband if he made that kind of decision without me, and then been rigid about it. I'm also of the mindset that the mom gets final call on visitors in those first weeks, for the reasons described above (recovery, hormones, breastfeeding, etc.). You have no idea how L&D will go--hopefully smoothly, but who knows--best case, you'll be tired and sore. And, I totally spent a lot of time topless those first few weeks, or at least in my bathrobe. Not unusual at all.

If I had to do it over again, I'd want at least two weeks between bringing the baby home and visitors other than my mom (also local). My lovely MIL came in two days after we got home from the hospital, and it was very stressful. My husband and I had agreed on her visit beforehand; I didn't anticipate how tough it would be. She helped somewhat, but only after my husband sat her down and told her she was there to help us, not just hang out. Even then, I still felt like I had to entertain her when all I wanted to do was hold my daughter in peace.

I'd also wait until things have cooled down and then revisit with your husband. One of the midwives advised us at the hospital to spend the next two weeks holed up together at home with the baby, and I wish we had. If your OB/midwife is supportive, and you think an expert opinion would help, perhaps you might ask them to weigh in? If all else fails, I'd also advise staying in your room with the baby, and doing whatever you need to maintain your privacy. It's such a special time, and one you won't get back. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your husband, not understanding how difficult the first weeks post birth are, is worried that this is setting a precedent. Maybe he is thinking he doesn't really know you either...he is hearing: I don't want your family around the baby, only my family, and maybe is feeling a little worried that he isn't going to have much say, that this is your baby and you are going to make the decisions. he may be reacting from feeling that you are trying to push him and his family away.

Maybe if you reinforce that this is just for the period after birth. That in the future your in-laws will be more than welcome in your home and will be given an equal role as your parents in terms of being grandparents. Also that you do intend to see him as a parent who also gets say about his child, his house etc... He may be seeing you say you need your mom as also pushing him away as you are expecting she will be the one to help with the baby rather than him.

I think you need a non argumentative conversation with him about the role he and his parents will play in the child's life beyond the first two weeks.

[Anonymous]

When in a similar situation, I threatened to go to a hotel myself with my mom and newborn. As ridiculous as that would have been, it was better than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize, but you are being a little dramatic. This is as much your husband's baby as yours, and the baby is as much your in-laws' grandchild as your own parents'. That said, you have a right to have your own mother stay at your house, if you want--absolutely, especially after you have been through the physical rigors of childbirth. But I think you need to dial down the emotion and reach a reasonable solution that pleases both yourself and your husband. Don't alienate or punish your in-laws because they "moved out of the area"--that's petty. Perhaps a compromise would be your mother and mother in-law staying with you, and your father-in-law staying with your father at your parents' house? Your husband obviously wants his parents there, and you need to understand and respect that. You will have many stresses and battles in the future about parenting, grandparents' boundaries, etc etc; don't set a tone of unreasonableness now.

Wow! A reasoned reply and sensible advice. OP, listen to this PP because it is some of the best advice ever given on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

"Tell your husband when he gestates a human being for 9 months and then pushes it out of his body he can have whoever he wants around while he recovers."

THIS! I think the OP gets the prerogative on this issue, and it does NOT make her dramatic or irrational (besides which, who cares? and in comparison to what? was there a memo about the appropriate level of rationality and drama related to new motherhood that I missed?)

[Anonymous]

OP - My parents were with us for a week after my first was born. My ILs came the day after we got home for ONE half day, stayed the night in a hotel and went home. (It was a 10 hour drive for them, but they really wanted to meet their first grandchild ASAP.) Then, after my folks had been there for a week, and we were alone for a week, they came back for a longer visit (and were a huge help). My MIL actually suggested this arrangement - she is careful to a fault about stepping on anyone's toes. While I know you'd prefer to not have anyone around, perhaps this is an acceptable compromise. (I don't think, like many of the PPS, you should just lay down the law without trying to work it out - that seems like it will create hard feelings.)

[Anonymous]

the first few days I walked around mostly topless with the equivalent of an adult diaper on my rear end. I complained about my episiotomy, all the blood I was passing, and constantly was feeling myself up to see if milk had arrived. I was also grouchy. Perhaps you can share this with your DH and ask him if he thinks his parents might not want to wait a week.