Please advise...SO upset with DH :(
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Anonymous
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During DH's weekly phone call w/ his parents last night, they apparently told him that they are planning on coming up when the baby is born (I'm 34 weeks). As in, they expect a call when I go into labor. They are also planning on staying at our (small) house. My mother was going to stay with us for a few days after we come home from the hospital (my parents are local), a fact which DH knew and previously supported. Now he's saying that my mom can just stay at her own house and visit during the day, as his parents will be here. Problem: I don't want his parents here. I want my mom. I'm going to be going through a lot, both emotionally and physically, and I'm already freaked about BFing. I don't want to be struggling with the latch at 2 am and have my MIL come in to see if she can help-I want my own mom. I don't want to be sitting in front of my FIL and start leaking, or be crying for no reason. Although I get along fine with his parents, I don't want them to be around at what is probably going to be a very difficult time for me (I'm a control-freak, so I know it will be rocky the first few days). I can't believe they (and DH) would think that a) it is ok to displace my own mother, and b) that I would feel more comfortable with them than my own mother. They say they don't want to miss anything, including visiting in the hospital, the first bath, etc. DH sides with them, saying my parents will be here for it, when shouldn't his? Um hello, because they made the choice to move out of the area two years ago?
I am beside myself. I've been crying a bunch, arguing with DH, etc. He won't even hear of them coming up later on after we get settled, or staying in a hotel. I feel like I don't know him or his family at all right now. Am I being really dramatic, or do I have a point? Please help me get some much-needed perspective!! |
Anonymous
Nope -you have a point. Those first few days and even weeks are less about other family members bonding with the baby, and more about mom's recovery, getting baby to nurse well, etc. Your DH is out of line. You might want to point out to him that you are likely to be walking around naked from the waste up with the baby quite a bit. How is his dad going to handle that? |
Anonymous
| I sympathize, but you are being a little dramatic. This is as much your husband's baby as yours, and the baby is as much your in-laws' grandchild as your own parents'. That said, you have a right to have your own mother stay at your house, if you want--absolutely, especially after you have been through the physical rigors of childbirth. But I think you need to dial down the emotion and reach a reasonable solution that pleases both yourself and your husband. Don't alienate or punish your in-laws because they "moved out of the area"--that's petty. Perhaps a compromise would be your mother and mother in-law staying with you, and your father-in-law staying with your father at your parents' house? Your husband obviously wants his parents there, and you need to understand and respect that. You will have many stresses and battles in the future about parenting, grandparents' boundaries, etc etc; don't set a tone of unreasonableness now. |
Anonymous
PP here. Um, yeah, right. When I breastfed I just walked around my house topless. LOL. Talk about dramatic... |
Anonymous
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I'm of the opinion that right after birth, the mom gets to decide who visits/sees her/etc. You are the one who is going to be hormonal, breastfeeding, recovering from labor, etc. While it would be nice if everything could be equitable from the grandparents' perspective, this rarely happens. I don't think you are being unreasonable.
Your DH sounds like the real problem here. He needs to recognize that this time is not about his parents or his being a good son to them and doing what they want. And he needs to come to an agreement with you, not just override your wishes. He sounds like he's dictating the terms here and that's pretty unfair. It sounds like you two need to have a calm talk about all of this--figure out what setup you both can live with. Maybe this means that no one stays with you for a few days after birth, but your mom visits often, and his parents come shortly afterward. Maybe there's another scenario that would work for him and for you, even if it's not exactly what you'd imagined. It's possible you will need to compromise a little but your compromise should not override your comfort level here. Like you say, the days after birth are a tough time and you need to feel comfortable in your home. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry OP, I feel for you and I don't think you're being unreasonable. The last thing you need now (and that you'll need at that time) is stress about your in laws. How about his parents coming and staying in a hotel while they're here? Do you not want them around at all or is it that you don't want them in the house? |
Anonymous
| I would compromise and have them stay in a hotel, but DH vetoed that. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry OP. That's really not fair of him -- it sounds like he's not compromising at all right now. If possible, what I would do is probably put off the topic for a little bit until yours and his feelings have cooled about it. Then I would bring up the topic of the hotel again. I get that both grandparents both want to see the baby, but what's important after the birth is how you feel and what you need. The baby isnt going anywhere. A friend of mine had her mother in law stay with them after her baby was born (not her choice but I don't think she put up much of a fight). She still says it was the worst part of the experience - not having any privacy and the MIL being around constantly after. I would try to put it aside for now if you can because it sounds like he's dead set in his position and may not want to budge. If you're okay with the hotel idea (and you think he will be eventually when he cools off) I would plan as though that were the plan. Bring it up again in a few weeks and just assume for now that that's the plan. I don't think you should budge on this any more than you have already (having them in a hotel is enough compromise) |
Anonymous
Actually, for women who have supply issues, a lot of skin-to-skin time is recommended to stimulate milk production. May it's not so dramatic afterall -just different from your experience. |
Anonymous
| Does your DH have any friends or siblings who've recently had a baby? You've tried to explain why you think it would be stressful, but maybe if a more neutral third party explained what a stressful time the post partum period can be, that would help give him some perspective. Just a thought. We had my parents AND my mother in law at our house. I like my mother in law and she's generally easy, but it was still crowded. |
Anonymous
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I have had this happen to me. In the end it was too stressful to argue the point, and I just "locked" myself in the master with the baby for a week. It wasn't so bad as I had a mini vacation from my other household duties and people in the livingroom to hold the baby of I wanted to take a shower, etc.
Stock up on movies, books, and a minifrig. |
Anonymous
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We vetoed any visitors the first two weeks. BEST DECISION EVER! We got to bond, no drama and so relaxing. Yup I was naked from waist up and bleeding between my legs. There's no way I needed to add MIL or FIL to the drama.
Tell DH his parents should find a hotel. |
Anonymous
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DH sides with them, saying my parents will be here for it, when shouldn't his? Um hello, because they made the choice to move out of the area two years ago?
OP, you have a point (although, as others have pointed out, a bit overly dramatic) right up until this. What does his parents' place of residence have to do with anything? If they were local, you'd be OK with them being over the first few weeks? It doesn't seem like that, at least to me. It appears that, in you effort to argue the point with your husband (who is being a bit unreasonable himself (no hotel? really?) you're grasping for anything, which may have the effect of putting his back up (also some of your language here is extreme - they're not displacing your mother, she'll still be there - which may also be counterproductive). I agree with others who say give it a few days, and then discuss it without the extreme language and crying. |
Anonymous
New poster here. I don't think it's that dramatic. My MIL stayed with us for a few days after DD was born, and I remember being petrified to breastfeed in front of her. Which made life really uncomfortable. I would stay in the room pretty much constantly because I didn't want her to see me topless. Once she left and I could breastfeed while watching tv and on our living room couch, I was actually much much happier. I ended up EP'ing, and it was always a pain when they visited because I would have to pump in our bedroom or in a bathroom (in my own house, yuck) to avoid them seeing me topless. It always made me really uncomfortable. You could just invest in a nursing cover. I EP'ed so a cover wouldn't have covered up enough for me, but that's what a sane person would do. That having been said, it is very inconsiderate of your DH to not respect that your mom already had dibs to staying when the baby came. Life is stressful enough with a newborn, if your ILs are the type to be helpful, then having them around is good. If they are like mine (who have extreme food restrictions and expect to be catered to), then it is not. I kid you not, my MIL had DH driving to Target to pick her up some lactaid milk the day we brought DD home from the hospital. We could have done without that additional work those fisst few days. We're actually lying about the due date to my ILs so they come a few weeks after the baby is born this time around. |
Anonymous
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His parents should not come and stay for the first two weeks if you don't want them to. My in-laws came four days after, despite my mild protesting to my husband that I would prefer that they wait at least a full week. It was a horrible experience for me, even though they were absolutely wonderful - it was just that straw that broke the camel's back. Even with them just visiting for the days and staying at a hotel, I couldn't stop myself from making dinner, and I had to be "on" all the time. I spent so many hours sitting in a chair in the kitchen crying to myself. The memory is just as strong four years later. If you know you can't take it, then insist on it not happening!
On the other hand, if I were to have another baby, I would welcome the in-laws as soon as possible to help out with the first. Completely different situation and emotions. |