Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically

I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. [b]I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, [u]so I understand childbirth and recovery very well.[/b] I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.

Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.

This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.

If you read the quotes properly you would see that the part the PP responded to was not posted by the OP. This was written by a PP who apparently had the most difficult of labors and the most precious of sons who she says, she would never want to date a woman like the OP. It was insulting to the OP and insulting to the rest of the posters who have also been through difficult labors.

Yes, I know PP was responding to someone other than the OP. So just because this PP said she had one of the most heinous and painful births why does that offend you so much that you had to lash out at her? I'm on OP's side and I don't agree with that PP's position either. But why flip out? She didn't say she had THE most difficult labors as you wrote. She said she had ONE OF the most heinous and painful births. It's just an expression. It doesn't mean her birth was literally in the top 2% of all difficult births in the U.S. It means she endured a lot of difficulty during labor. And maybe she actually did. And where did she say her sons were "so precious"? Sounds like you just didn't like her opinion so now you're hitting below the belt.

Thanks for defending me. I'm not sure why my having a different opinion makes me a psycho and a narcissist, or a crappy MIL in training as she called me earlier, but whatever. And it's truly rude invoke my kids--I never called my sons "precious," nor did I ever indicate I'd want them to ignore their future wives' wishes. Quite the contrary--I try very hard to involve my MIL--I'm certainly not perfect, but I definitely try. My point in mentioning how hard my labor was not to compare with anyone or congratulate myself, only to say, Hey, I know how shitty recovery from birth is, and I totally understand why the OP would want her mother there and no one else. I get it. I have lots of friends, so I know difficult labor does not make me special or unique. You're right poster--that kind of hysterical name calling is such a turn off here. I posted very early on to the OP, trying to offer constructive advice and a different perspective, which is what she asked for. I'm not sure why presenting a different opinion caused such an overreaction on that poster, but it did. [i]I probably should not have characterized her as being like a "harpy," but this was not what she was reacting to. I always wonder about people who read so much into even the most straightforward responses and decide they know everything about someone.

PP, I'm not sure how new you are to DCUM but these are the mean posters that regularly write snarky things. They're just miserable witches. Ignore them though I know it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really, really sorry for your in-laws, but not for the reason people might think. I think your husband is being terribly unfair to them. He is keeping information from them that they would want to know (speaking of the golden rule) which is that you understand their wants and desires but you're struggling and would prefer a compromise. The grown-up thing for your husband to do would be to engage them in honest discussion about this and ask if he can work with them to get them in the nearest hotel for the time when your new family is home.

By the way, the key word here is "grown-up": IMO, your DH is acting like a seventh-grader at best and a first-grader at worst in trying to apply playground rules (who gets the most time with the toys) to a situation in which there are all kinds of layers that he can't understand and that he's not even trying to grasp. I don't mean to suggest that a child is a toy -- I really don't -- but truly, if you re-read how OP (whom I feel so sorry for) describes his reaction, it's honestly turning the new baby into an object in a tug of war.

Here's a thought, OP -- can you tell him that he really is objectifying the child to the point of forgetting that there are lots of emotions and impacts here (including on his parents, whose feelings he's trying to "own" rather than allowing them access to information that they need to have -- YOUR feelings, which really do matter). This is not about who gets the most time in the sandbox; this is about how you start to build a life that has a beautiful new dimension to it.

Good luck.

Terrific post. (Worthy of Carolyn Hax, even!)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.

Let's not go beating on the asian stereotype again. We're not in the 1950's! My husband is asian and neither he nor his parents would not dream of being overbearing in this manner to me.

Your husband may be Asian, but both DH and I are Asian and I can assure you that this is part of cultural thinking. Your DH may be the exception and there are exceptions. But this is perfectly normal in many Asian cultures, Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, Korean, Arab, etc...

I'm Indian. Your comments are not universal. I come from an area where new mothers are attended to by their mothers, not MILs. In fact, my (European) in-laws came during the birth of my children. My very old conservative Indian aunt (who is like a grandmother to me) tore my parents a new one when she realized. She couldn't believe it -- she said something like pregnant women need their own mother at this time.

Anyway, OP, I feel for you. Others have said it a lot better. I would be wary of anyone who wants to come and not miss a moment of the newborn's life. The rule of thumb for visitors in the immediate postpartum period should be that they are expected to prepare meals, do laundry, clean house, run errands, make sure new mom is eating or drinking. If the visitors sees their roles as anything else, they should visit at another time.

I said that in Asian cultures DH's usually expect and insist that their parents are given more deference and respect than DW's parents. I assure you that while this may not be universal (everything has exceptions), it is very normal and very common. At the same time, it is not unusual for Asian wives to be taken care of by their mothers after child birth. But allowing Asian wives to be taken care of by their mothers isn't symbolic of showing more respect for Asian DW's. Asian in-laws generally don't think it's their responsibility to care for their DIL and thats why many of them don't. In OP's case, DH is demanding that DW oust her already invited parents to be replaced by his parents with no regard for DW, her needs, or her relationship with her parents. That's a show of lack of respect for her and a demand for deference to his parents' wishes. This is common.

[Anonymous]

We're talking post partum period, right? So your comments on the general nature of Asian parental relationship don't appy squarely here. Plus, if they are as traditional as you suggest, why would they have moved away from their son. The also happens rarely.

[Anonymous]

And, the OP never said her DH is asian. So let's stop debating that issue, or start a different thread if you can't stop discussing asian husbands.

Back to the original issue.

OP, it is a terrible idea to have your inlaws stay with you post partum, especially if you are uncomfortable. Why don't you plan for no one staying overnight, and just have you mom on call in case you need her to? In laws stay in a hotel, mom at her house (unless you have special circumstances that warrant her staying) and everyone is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're talking post partum period, right? So your comments on the general nature of Asian parental relationship don't appy squarely here. Plus, if they are as traditional as you suggest, why would they have moved away from their son. The also happens rarely.

They sure do apply. Regard for Asian parental relationships doesn't temporarily halt during post partum periods; it's an eternal mind set, a thinking, that believes that regard for DH's parents must be greater than regard for DW's parents. This may change with more and more younger generations assimilating to American culture but, for now, there are many of Asian cultural background that know and follow these cultural ways. And the reason it might be helpful to know what the cultural background is of the DH in question here is because if, in fact, DH is really Asian and following Asian cultural thinking, it might explain why he so stubbornly is refusing to budge on this, why he is okay with seeing his pregnant wife cry and cry over this. He's not just being a jerk though it may seem that way for many of us; his thinking is something he grew up with and it's firmly entrenched in him. It might also prove to be a much harder problem for DW. Asian DH's don't change their viewpoint on parental regard easily. It takes a courageous DH to venture away from cultural expectations to see things from a DW's perspective. Oftentimes they run the risk of permanently damaging their relationship with their parents if they side with their DW's.

OP, if your DH is Asian, one thing you might want to consider is to seek counseling with a priest or clergyman of your cultural background who is more open minded. If this doesn't work, you may have to play hardball and have your parents pick you up at the hospital, go to their home and have them take care of you for a couple of weeks. If he throws a fit, so be it. Sometimes you have to teach people the hard way how you wish to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Find a hotel/motel very close to your house and book a room for the inlaws. Then they can come over easily for short visits several times a day (or to baby sit while you take a nap), but they aren't in your way. I have a small hotel 2 blocks from my house that has been a LIFESAVER with visiting relatives!!

[Anonymous]

Seriously, we need a separate thread on Asian in-laws and husbands just to let all the posters have their say.

[Anonymous]

Okay.

A new thread has been started for you.

Please post over there if you have issues with your asian husband favoring his parents over the wife.

PS, I am not 1:16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're talking post partum period, right? So your comments on the general nature of Asian parental relationship don't appy squarely here. Plus, if they are as traditional as you suggest, why would they have moved away from their son. The also happens rarely.

They sure do apply. Regard for Asian parental relationships doesn't temporarily halt during post partum periods; it's an eternal mind set, a thinking, that believes that regard for DH's parents must be greater than regard for DW's parents. This may change with more and more younger generations assimilating to American culture but, for now, there are many of Asian cultural background that know and follow these cultural ways. And the reason it might be helpful to know what the cultural background is of the DH in question here is because if, in fact, DH is really Asian and following Asian cultural thinking, it might explain why he so stubbornly is refusing to budge on this, why he is okay with seeing his pregnant wife cry and cry over this. He's not just being a jerk though it may seem that way for many of us; his thinking is something he grew up with and it's firmly entrenched in him. It might also prove to be a much harder problem for DW. Asian DH's don't change their viewpoint on parental regard easily. It takes a courageous DH to venture away from cultural expectations to see things from a DW's perspective. Oftentimes they run the risk of permanently damaging their relationship with their parents if they side with their DW's.

OP, if your DH is Asian, one thing you might want to consider is to seek counseling with a priest or clergyman of your cultural background who is more open minded. If this doesn't work, you may have to play hardball and have your parents pick you up at the hospital, go to their home and have them take care of you for a couple of weeks. If he throws a fit, so be it. Sometimes you have to teach people the hard way how you wish to be treated.

That is what I would do - and I would tell my husband I was going to do that. And tell him, if he is not happy he can move in with is mommy. What an asshole! Yes, I am projecting my own marital issues - my husband and MIL tried something similar, but I was not as nice as you op and just told him that was unacceptable and I would rather go to the hospital alone than have that woman there. She got all pissed, saying she was not a guest, but family (huge here), etc. Not MY family certainly. I just "moved" my due date further, so she didn't get all excited. After the baby was born and the first week had passed, we invited her to come... and she did 7 weeks later. Her visit lasted 2 days and was just what I could take. Imagine that she complained that the baby "slept too much" and kept asking my husband to wake her up (another eye roll here).... Anyway, the first week was so hard re sleeping, taking care of healing, the first poop, and trying to establish breastfeeding (a nightmare!).

STAND YOUR GROUND OP! If you give in now, raising your child will be a nightmare with your husband deferring to them about every little thing (and second guessing you). You should forward this thread to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm of the opinion that right after birth, the mom gets to decide who visits/sees her/etc. You are the one who is going to be hormonal, breastfeeding, recovering from labor, etc. While it would be nice if everything could be equitable from the grandparents' perspective, this rarely happens. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Your DH sounds like the real problem here. He needs to recognize that this time is not about his parents or his being a good son to them and doing what they want. And he needs to come to an agreement with you, not just override your wishes. He sounds like he's dictating the terms here and that's pretty unfair.

It sounds like you two need to have a calm talk about all of this--figure out what setup you both can live with. Maybe this means that no one stays with you for a few days after birth, but your mom visits often, and his parents come shortly afterward. Maybe there's another scenario that would work for him and for you, even if it's not exactly what you'd imagined.

It's possible you will need to compromise a little but your compromise should not override your comfort level here. Like you say, the days after birth are a tough time and you need to feel comfortable in your home.

This is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Op use this to your advantage!
Assign them all a job;
DH for night wakings/feedings (since he is being a dick)
If someone likes to cook make them in charge of all meals
If someone is an early bird, put them in baby duty so you can rest
Assign someone to laundry (it's going to be a lot)
Assign someone to grocery shopping
Assign someone robin charge of cleaning
Hopefully FiL is handy, give him a project around the house (those won't get attended to for a while)
Good luck! But it may not be all that bad to have all this help

[Anonymous]

I'm a little surprised so many people are suggesting you leave your husband to stay with your mother during such an important bonding time. Yes, you are angry, but so is he. You both are probably saying things you don't mean.

Time to strengthen your inner family as you have a child to care for soon.

I pray you don't actually have real challanges, I don't think your relationship could handle it.

Last thing, from one control freak to another, having a baby pretty much means you won't control anything for awhile. Get used to that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry this is happening to you. I think you are absolutely right and your husband is wrong. It does not bode well for your future co parenting that he is being so inflexible. Yes the baby is both of yours Your physical and emotional needs trump here.

All I can advise you to do is STAY IN BED. You will not cook. You will not clean. You will not do a single load of laundry. In essence you are on strike, your only job is the baby. Have your mom bring you your meals in bed. Keep the baby with you. When you need a break/nap - and you will - send the baby out to the waiting relatives. I'm sure your FIL will not want to hang out in your bedroom. A few naked breasts or a discussion of your hemorrhoids should be enough to send him running if he shows his face in there. Your MIL should be made to feel welcome to sit with you. Except when you ask for for a few minutes of privacy.

Make it clear to your husband that his parents are HIS responsibility while at your home. See if you can get your doctor to write you a note advising "bed rest" for a week or two after the birth. Ask him to schedule a few activities out of the house with the three of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I sympathize, but you are being a little dramatic. This is as much your husband's baby as yours, and the baby is as much your in-laws' grandchild as your own parents'. That said, you have a right to have your own mother stay at your house, if you want--absolutely, especially after you have been through the physical rigors of childbirth. But I think you need to dial down the emotion and reach a reasonable solution that pleases both yourself and your husband. Don't alienate or punish your in-laws because they "moved out of the area"--that's petty. Perhaps a compromise would be your mother and mother in-law staying with you, and your father-in-law staying with your father at your parents' house? Your husband obviously wants his parents there, and you need to understand and respect that. You will have many stresses and battles in the future about parenting, grandparents' boundaries, etc etc; don't set a tone of unreasonableness now.


Wow! A reasoned reply and sensible advice. OP, listen to this PP because it is some of the best advice ever given on DCUM.

Actually, this is some of the worst advice ever given on DCUM.

Sorry, OP, but your husband is acting like a child. There is no fair when it's your body that's going though the trauma of birth and recovery. You get to choose who visits when, where, and how. If your husband won't send his parents to a hotel, I think you should book yourself into one. With cable, really lovely room service, daily housekeeping, and only one functional key card.

(OK, I'm kidding about the key card. I hope that if you really did decamp to a hotel, your husband would come to his senses and join you and you all could bond together as a new family.)