Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

My parents are local and my in-laws are not. Before my daughter was born, I talked to my husband and his parents about knowing that they wanted to come down right away, which they did, but wanting to have the house to ourselves when we bring the baby home. They were all very understanding of this, and stayed in a hotel. It actually ended up that I was in the hospital so long (I had some post-partum complications) that they only visited there and had to leave before we went home. I think that if you talk to them rationally, not emotionally, it should make sense. FWIW, I know that there is some jealousy, etc., with the fact that my parents are local. My mother never stayed with us, but was over most days after the baby came home. I think rubbing this in and making it clear that you prefer to have your mother there, even if you do, just makes things worse

[Anonymous]

You COULD just say your mom is coming too, you asked her to come, it was agreed upon. set up a couch for his parents or tell your DH since there is no where else for her to sleep she can stay in the bed with you. I am mostly joking here, but my point is why should she have to miss all of those first things too? especially when it was already agreed upon.

[Anonymous]

Tell DH that you really need your mom during the recovery and since DH prefers his inlaws to be with him, you will stay with your mom for that first couple of weeks.

Not being snarky - I really would be pissed enough to do this.

[Anonymous]

Call up your in-laws yourself and tell them the truth, which is that you'd already arranged with your own mother to come stay with you, and that there was obviously some miscommunication between you and your DH. Tell them how thrilled you are that they want to be involved grandparents. Suggest some nice nearby hotels. But on the other hand, don't punish them because they chose to move out of the area - I agree, that's being overly petty and a bit dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should print this all out and show it to him, to show him that your feelings are totally justified and normal (and that he's being an ass). You are completely within your rights to say that you want just your mom there for the first week and that ILs can come after that. That's exactly how I felt. My mom (who in the end wasn't as helpful as MIL was) came for the first week, and ILs came the second week. FIL just stayed overnight but MIL stayed a whole week. We ended up bonding a lot, and she saw a whole lot of me nude - at that point of having to nurse and pump every 2 hours, I just didn't give a damn who witnessed it. And she took it totally in stride. I think you should wait until you've calmed down some and ask DH to set aside some time to talk about this issue again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Sorry but grow the f up.

[Anonymous]

Since you won't know when you will go into labor or how long you will be in the hospital (what if you end up with a c-section?), why not let your in-laws stay at your house until you come home --- and then have them move to a hotel if they want to stay longer? Explain that you had already planned to have your mom stay at your home to help out overnight, but that you would love to have them come visit during the day to help out, etc. NOTE: I'm emphasizing the helping out. You won't feel up to entertaining visitors. I'm expecting baby #4, and I can tell you that I enjoy spending as much time as possible recovering privately in my bedroom with the baby --- having said that, I welcome the grandparents to hold the baby while I sleep, shower, eat. And I really enjoyed having the grandparents around to cook meals, bring me drinks, etc. Also FWIW, your DH will need a break too, so having the extra sets of hands around is helpful. We never had the grandparents spend the night however --- they always leave after dinner. So DH and I nap as much as possible during the day when they are around so we are equipped to handle the night shift solo. And the reality is that you will be running on adrenaline for the first week --- and if you are a new mommy you might want to handle everything yourself. But come week #2 (through the first several weeks), you will be exhausted --- and so will your DH --- and that's when you will really need help. So you might want to consider having your mom stay with you in the beginning, but then you might want your in-laws to stick around your house after that (assuming they are helpful). Trust me...you'll appreciate the help.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I'm fully in your camp on this one! You are entitled to have anyone you want around after the birth. I would be very upset with DH too--he's clearly not listening to your wishes. I think it's worth a calm but serious discussion and explain what you want, how you feel and what you need.

BTW,I did have my MIL there after the birth of #2 and it was a horrible decision for many reasons. But that's beside the point. The point is that you do what you are comfortable and confident with.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how your DH's Mom, who's had children herself and who presumably has in-laws, would want to be in your face through labor, childbirth and immediately afterwards. I mean, shouldn't another woman who's been there get it?

[Anonymous]

You're being perfectly reasonable, OP, but most men don't seem to get the whole privacy while recovering need that us moms have. But you do need to approach him calmly and rationally with your arguments, even though it's hard.

I might have missed this, but how far away are the ILs? My husband and I went through the same battle about 2 months ago (3rd grandkid for my local parents; 1st grandkid for my ILs, who live about a 3.5 hrs' drive away). After a disastrous first round, we've finally compromised thus: when baby is born, ILs can visit last day at hospital and then first day at home. And thankfully they're talking about staying in a hotel. Then they leave for a few weeks and DH and I get baby to ourselves, with my mother's help if I think we need it. Then the ILs can come down for another few days to visit--at which point we'll decide if we're up to hosting or they need to stay in a hotel.

It took a while, but I finally made my husband realize that I would be in no condition for company for many of the reasons other posters stated. And eventually I realized that DH was just anxious that his parents get to see the baby early on and not have to wait. Fortunately the distance is smal enough to make 2 trips possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, during the first weeks you MUST have the baby on your bare chest to establish a healthy supply. Print this out and give to DH. You both won't want ANYBODY there while all this is going on. Once you have your little "routine" and learned to read the baby you'll feel more like to have ppl over.

I was like a mama bear and would only want DH handling our LO. It's irrational but we're wired this way for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Gotta love these helpful posters....jesus.

OP, my DH and I have had this convo. His parents are 1.5 hours away and mine are 22 hours away - so the situation is a little reversed. But either way, his mom has shown massive interest in being here from the birth onward, which I have NO interest in b/c my mom is coming and is staying for 2 weeks to help me get situated and get comfortable with bf'ing, etc. At the same time, I can't very well tell his parents they can't see their grandson. So -- I've told him that I don't mind if his parents come and stay at our house while I am in the hospital. They can come meet the baby at the hospital and go back to our house to spend the night. But once I get out of the hospital, I either don't want anyone in our house or I want my mom. And if other posters think that means I need to grow the F up -- whatever. I know I will be stressed and unsure of myself and uncomfortable if my MIL is there and if she crosses a line with me then I know I'll lose it on her and really that's no good for anyone, now is it? So, we get home from the hospital, they go back home and then they are free to return a few weeks later when I've gotten my bearings. At that point, they are free to stay with us a bit longer.

I agree with the posters that you should let a little time pass and let things cool off between you and your DH. Then try to talk to him calmly and ask him to please understand how hard and new this all is to you and that you'd really just appreciate it if he'd let you just be with your mom for a bit in the beginning. You love his parents, you want them to be present in your child's life, but you just need a little time. Ask if they could come while you are in the hospital and then leave when you come home and then return at a later time for a longer period. If he is still holding out or being unreasonable, I'd pick up the phone and call his mom and explain your situation. Tell her you love her, you want her to be involved, but since this is your first (I'm assuming), you just need a little space and time with your own mom to get adjusted. She'll either understand and say okay, or be uncomfortable and not know what to say. Either way, I doubt she'll argue and say she's coming and to hell with you. this may cause issues with DH, but some things are worth it. You have to decide. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically

[Anonymous]

OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband when he gestates a human being for 9 months and then pushes it out of his body he can have whoever he wants around while he recovers.

THIS! I understand where your husband is coming from, he doesn't understand why HIS parents have to stay at a hotel especially since your mom is local, but he doesn't understand that you want YOUR mom to help you, not his. You need to make that point clear. His parents are welcome to come and stay at a hotel, but if anyone is staying with you, it'll be your mom.