My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A HUGE number of ADHD marriages fail when the ADHD person refuses to medicate. I've been on SSRIs to cope lately and while they work, the joint pain is horrendous and I am losing quality of life. I cut back and today didn't take one.

Sure enough, today I get home from running errands and the UPS guy is blocking the driveway and I gotta go to the bathroom something fierce, but figure I can wait a few moments. Thirty seconds later, my phone rings and it's my husband all flustered because the package coming from Canada has postage due. So pay it I say, I'm in the cul-de-sac and the driveway is blocked. Start getting hemming and hawing and I lose my shit and hang up, because once again it's on me to figure this out. I have a bad hip and the driveway is long and I start hobbling up it, still losing it and still having to go to the bathroom - a bad hip/long driveway/and having to pee is not a good combo for success. The UPS guy is apologizing to me and I'm telling him it's not his fault that my husband can't handle this. I go in, get the checkbook (they don't take a card, not even a debit) and write the check to UPS myself. My husband's response to me when I ask him why he couldn't handle this? "F-you". For those wondering, I did make it to the bathroom - LOL.

Bottom line - ADHD is well-hidden until it's not. I also just found out we lost our vision and dental insurance because he didn't pay the bill since January. Thank GOD I manage the main health care bill. He 'forgot' to leave a method of payment. What CAN he remember? What time all his various bike groups have rides, what gear he needs, where they are going, etc. If it doesn't serve him, he doesn't get it done.

OP, I feel your pain.

This is our husband with the untreated ADHD?

And he can’t handle a delivery man without calling you or being stupid? Are you sure he’s just not lazy and always messing up so now more lazy and Do-Nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

Try not to do any of the things you do not have to do.

1. Do not pick up any of his prescriptions.
2. Do not pick up his clothing. If it's on the floor, walk on it.
3. Do not do his laundry.
4. Do not add toilet paper to the roll.
5. Do not put dishes into DW or remove them.

And so on.

Jsut divorce him and tell your kids to set strong boundaries and not bail him out.

Why stay? I don’t see a reason to stay.

He’s a total clown show about everything except his work image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

This is me too.
It actually doesn’t seem to me that OP’s DH is doing 0% though. If he found a doctor, made an appointment, got the kids dressed and to the appointment on time, that seems to me like most of it.
Not picking up the scripts or sending in the reimbursement form is a screw-up for sure, but it’s a small part of the total.

Unless the OP means that her husband does 0% of tasks completely from beginning to end without missing anything, being late, or needing a reminder. That’s probably true of most ADHD people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

I’m not that poster, but I also have ADHD.
Do you seriously do everything you try correctly, the first time, all of the time? And you don’t have to set reminders and keep lists and a planner to remember to do things?
That sounds really nice.
I have to set reminders to make and review my to-do lists, write down weekly meal plans and schedules including transit time and who is driving, write out weekly homework plans with my kids, and have a pretty strict schedule that we all follow so that day to day things don’t get dropped.

I can’t imagine just doing these things naturally and taking it for granted that you won’t screw up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

I’m not that poster, but I also have ADHD.
Do you seriously do everything you try correctly, the first time, all of the time? And you don’t have to set reminders and keep lists and a planner to remember to do things?
That sounds really nice.
I have to set reminders to make and review my to-do lists, write down weekly meal plans and schedules including transit time and who is driving, write out weekly homework plans with my kids, and have a pretty strict schedule that we all follow so that day to day things don’t get dropped.

I can’t imagine just doing these things naturally and taking it for granted that you won’t screw up.

Correct, a decently large portion of the population does the above three steps all the time, rapidly and instantly. Or at least makes a viable plan to and execute said plan.

See a need, address it.
And yes, address it correctly because they retain what they’ve learned, read, or done before. And if they don’t know something, they immediately ask someone who does.

It’s called an OODA Loop. Like good situational awareness + Biased towards action.

Ball sport athletes, military, top C-levels and sr execs of many industries, most moms, and good students have it. Sure we write notes, to dos, and have our systems, but we aren’t dropping the ball several times a week. Sorry.

And when we do make mistakes, we take accountability and fix it. And don’t make the same mistake again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

I’m not that poster, but I also have ADHD.
Do you seriously do everything you try correctly, the first time, all of the time? And you don’t have to set reminders and keep lists and a planner to remember to do things?
That sounds really nice.
I have to set reminders to make and review my to-do lists, write down weekly meal plans and schedules including transit time and who is driving, write out weekly homework plans with my kids, and have a pretty strict schedule that we all follow so that day to day things don’t get dropped.

I can’t imagine just doing these things naturally and taking it for granted that you won’t screw up.

Yeah sure I usually check my kids grades and if they did their homework or study guides.

I also made a meal plan rotation for the housekeeper and usually know what’s needed in the Walmart perishables order.

I double check team snap or team texts for updates, otherwise there’s a general spring or fall or winter schedule.

If things change I’m adaptable and can just re-optimize things real time or have some ideas.

I do the same at work as well. Have my short term, medium term, and long term projects and run the team’s pipeline weekly mtg.

[Anonymous]

That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

I’m not that poster, but I also have ADHD.
Do you seriously do everything you try correctly, the first time, all of the time? And you don’t have to set reminders and keep lists and a planner to remember to do things?
That sounds really nice.
I have to set reminders to make and review my to-do lists, write down weekly meal plans and schedules including transit time and who is driving, write out weekly homework plans with my kids, and have a pretty strict schedule that we all follow so that day to day things don’t get dropped.

I can’t imagine just doing these things naturally and taking it for granted that you won’t screw up.

Maybe your spouse can do more.?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

Yes I was about to correct that PP who hinted there aren't any ADHD people in the C-suite. There's quite a few actually because they are given supports and can delegate boring tasks. Oh and their workforce is just as stuck with their symptoms as the nagging wives on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

Which part(s) of the process are you doing versus a coworker or roommate or spouse or parent telling you to:

1- independently identify something in need / needs to be done

2- independently make a sensible plan to handle it

3- independently handle it correctly, the first time.

All of those steps?
Or just the last one? Or the first one?

I’m not that poster, but I also have ADHD.
Do you seriously do everything you try correctly, the first time, all of the time? And you don’t have to set reminders and keep lists and a planner to remember to do things?
That sounds really nice.
I have to set reminders to make and review my to-do lists, write down weekly meal plans and schedules including transit time and who is driving, write out weekly homework plans with my kids, and have a pretty strict schedule that we all follow so that day to day things don’t get dropped.

I can’t imagine just doing these things naturally and taking it for granted that you won’t screw up.

Maybe your spouse can do more.?.

Pp here. This is just how I function. I’ve made lists and had routines and reminders since I was in third grade and couldn’t remember to get all of my homework done. Or I would stress about one thing that I was nervous about and forget about everything else.
I help my kids do the same.

I guess it sucks that other people have to deal with my symptoms. I take meds, but I can’t really make my mind change to automatically remember everything I need to do and prioritize things without intention on my part.

I don’t know. One of my co-workers is legally blind and needs to use magnifiers and ask for help on occasion. I hear people talk crap about her because she will ask them to fill out most of a form and then type out her portion and attach it rather than fill out the form herself.

I also have a co-worker who had a stroke and needs to use a cane and has multiple ways of coping with significant left sided weakness, and people complain that he can’t physically get places as quickly as they want him to or that he will ask someone to get him a chair if he needs one rather than getting it himself.

It just is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journalism the last 15 years just means blogging and tweeting.

Unless you’re at a think tank, it’s a joke.

So OPs dude better grab the bull by the horns and start generating a ton of clicks and content.

Lol

Adhd dreamer boy. Gonna write something big. Some day.

Hahahaha. As someone with ADHD and a “book in my head” but no ability to develop the kind of writing routine needed to actually get it on paper, this hit WAY too close to home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journalism the last 15 years just means blogging and tweeting.

Unless you’re at a think tank, it’s a joke.

So OPs dude better grab the bull by the horns and start generating a ton of clicks and content.

Lol

Adhd dreamer boy. Gonna write something big. Some day.

Hahahaha. As someone with ADHD and a “book in my head” but no ability to develop the kind of writing routine needed to actually get it on paper, this hit WAY too close to home!

Yea I have to give it to the ADHD troll, she has the stereotypes down pat and one post had me wondering if my DW discovered DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I could have written this. My dh works part time. I work full time. He always always messes up the tasks I assign him. And yes, I know that sounds terrible but he wont voluntarily take on much on his own

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Journalism the last 15 years just means blogging and tweeting.

Unless you’re at a think tank, it’s a joke.

So OPs dude better grab the bull by the horns and start generating a ton of clicks and content.

Lol

Adhd dreamer boy. Gonna write something big. Some day.

Hahahaha. As someone with ADHD and a “book in my head” but no ability to develop the kind of writing routine needed to actually get it on paper, this hit WAY too close to home!

yep. ideas without action are nothing.