My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman wktj adhd and I cannot tell you how offensive and tiresome I find all these posts about “adhd husbands.” I know some great guys with adhd. Just like I know great guys with heat disease or whatever. People who manage their health conditions appropriately. It’s offensive to say “adhd husband” and it’s offensive to act like this is the reason he’s a jerk. He’s a jerk because he’s a jerk. If he was not a jerk, he would find appropriate accommodations or treatments for his medical condition. So your post should really be “my jerk husband….”

It's easier for women on this forum to claim their exdh has ADHD so they can lay all the blame on him. Based on their posts you would think every man in the 1950s was racked with ADHD since they did 0% everyday.

Nah. By the time he’s your ex you don’t care how may disorders he has, you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman wktj adhd and I cannot tell you how offensive and tiresome I find all these posts about “adhd husbands.” I know some great guys with adhd. Just like I know great guys with heat disease or whatever. People who manage their health conditions appropriately. It’s offensive to say “adhd husband” and it’s offensive to act like this is the reason he’s a jerk. He’s a jerk because he’s a jerk. If he was not a jerk, he would find appropriate accommodations or treatments for his medical condition. So your post should really be “my jerk husband….”

Instead of getting mad at OP or others like her, get mad at the people who use ADHD as an excuse for being jerks. If my husband says they can't help engaging in their jerky behavior because of ADHD, then who am I to challenge his diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

These ADHD men do this because they can. I am a mom and wife with diagnosed ADHD. I work full time and it still fell on me to sign my kids up for 5 different summer programs to cover the summer and our working hours. My husband does not have ADHD, makes similar money to me, and has little idea what our kids are doing this summer. I think this is a man thing, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

I don’t want to minimize your frustration and feelings, but you sound like a normal, busy mom, regardless of diagnosis. Give yourself the break that every man would give himself, lady!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer and financial divorce planner. You'll need to convince a judge to impute earning capacity to him so you don't have to support him long term. You will lose your assets but it's worth it to be rid of a man-baby.

Can OP put him on a financial plan where he gets, say, $3,500 per month to spend as he wishes, but no more, unless he has a good reason. Something like this may be the best option.

$3500 per month....to spend as he wishes ? Who raised you to think this way? To OP, please do not do this, this is a terrible suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly as my now ex worked but I handled all this myself. Divorce was a relief but I know I had it easier as at least I didn’t have to pay him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. You must divorce. It will not get better. The kids will also figure it out. Talk to some lawyers to see what you are dealing with financially. For your own mental health and well being, divorce. If you are on the fence, find a therapist first.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD AND doesn’t work? Did you pick him up off of the subway floor? How did you have kids with the neighborhood wino? I don’t think many people are in similar situations.

I encourage you to pray about it and seek God’s help because He’s the only person who can help you out of such dire straits. The AA prayer is a good place to start if you don’t know how to pray:

“GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Wow I have spent a lot of time on this site but this is the worst response I have ever read for so many reasons

[Anonymous]

Hoping OP returns. How long has your husband been unemployed? Have you spoken to an attorney to see what your options are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same boat but mine is so loving, a great dad, and makes $7M/yr so I deal.

So… not at all remotely the same?

Agree.
Definitely not on the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

Is he doing 0%? OP complained that he isn’t submitting medical reimbursement forms, not that he isn’t scheduling doctors appointments.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t your husband have a job?
Is he unable to hold a job due to his condition??

If he isn’t employed then he has zero excuse for not being able to submit forms, etc.

What the heck does he do all day long??!

[Anonymous]

I have adhd and don’t behave anything like this! I know many people (granted, all women) who could say the same. This is a husband is inconsiderate problem, , not an adhd problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t your husband have a job?
Is he unable to hold a job due to his condition??

If he isn’t employed then he has zero excuse for not being able to submit forms, etc.

What the heck does he do all day long??!

I would assume that he takes care of the house/apartment and kids. I don’t really assume that most SAHPs file taxes and are in charge of the HSA.

If he wasn’t taking the kids to school and activities, or he wasn’t doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, then I can see being upset. It seems kind of odd to me to put the ADD partner in charge of doing the taxes and expecting them to get filed in March.