My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

ideas with correct action are something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I could have written this. My dh works part time. I work full time. He always always messes up the tasks I assign him. And yes, I know that sounds terrible but he wont voluntarily take on much on his own

How was this level of helplessness not apparent while dating or at least after moving in but before kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I could have written this. My dh works part time. I work full time. He always always messes up the tasks I assign him. And yes, I know that sounds terrible but he wont voluntarily take on much on his own

How was this level of helplessness not apparent while dating or at least after moving in but before kids?

I’m sure that this was apparent to her when they were dating. Just like it was apparent to him that she saw him as a screw up.
She probably liked that she got to dictate literally everything. He probably liked that she took charge of the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I could have written this. My dh works part time. I work full time. He always always messes up the tasks I assign him. And yes, I know that sounds terrible but he wont voluntarily take on much on his own

How was this level of helplessness not apparent while dating or at least after moving in but before kids?

I’m sure that this was apparent to her when they were dating. Just like it was apparent to him that she saw him as a screw up.
She probably liked that she got to dictate literally everything. He probably liked that she took charge of the details.

No one respects guys who marry and then turning into total blockheads who opt out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

Exactly. Send him to the special needs home or back to his mother who never got him treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

I could have written this. My dh works part time. I work full time. He always always messes up the tasks I assign him. And yes, I know that sounds terrible but he wont voluntarily take on much on his own

How was this level of helplessness not apparent while dating or at least after moving in but before kids?

I’m sure that this was apparent to her when they were dating. Just like it was apparent to him that she saw him as a screw up.
She probably liked that she got to dictate literally everything. He probably liked that she took charge of the details.

Pp Quite the opposite. Dh is very bright and a ‘big thinker’ type and had a good career for a number of years. I now see he had a lot of staff who helped him stay organized and on task.

[Anonymous]

All my sr level adhd dude does is respond to the last email in, and lets the rest of the team handle whatever he skipped.
When he finishes the one he eventually processed, he looks again and only addresses the new last one in. LIFO is all he can handle.

I can see how they do in an ER room because you free up and you get the next thing in the door. Repeat. No planning or organizing needed, just follow the rules.

[Anonymous]

Why do you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Stop making excuses for him.

[Anonymous]

Back in my day we called men like this dumb lazy bums. You certainly wouldn’t date or marry them. They were good for nothing work shy barflies. Young men with these issues need 4 years if not a career in the military. Left to their own devices or a coddled spouse, they never grow up, as demonstrated in this thread. Expecting a Rx narcotic like speed to fix such a man child is delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day. Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

[Anonymous]

They’re helpless and hopeless.

Either continue to prop them up or relegate them to the sidelines, or get the kids independent and divorce. They’ll find another prop or spiral out.