My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

It’s a bad thing when the kids and spouse realize they cannot rely on you to do anything, large or small, you agreed to do.

You’ve dug your own grave then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re helpless and hopeless.

Either continue to prop them up or relegate them to the sidelines, or get the kids independent and divorce. They’ll find another prop or spiral out.

Sure, but the women who loved them had poor genes and judgment. Ranting about your shiftless husband really isn't a good look for y'all. I rejected plenty of losers after seeing their pigsty home/car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

Lol. Whatever you say.

Maybe it’s impossible to raise adhd kids with good habits when one parent is constantly undermining them.

I’m the ADHD spouse and my non-ADHD spouse constantly undermines the kid with ADHD. They refuse to learn about it, empathize AT ALL with how hard this must be, and just keep trying to barrel through with threats and consequences that don’t work. It’s exhausting. Kid doesn’t trust that parent at all and its affecting their self esteem. Not to mention, the fact that my partner can’t empathize with how hard some things are for me also makes me feel terrible about myself and resentful of them. Things are not going well over here.

Hope all your molly coddling works out.
Can always set up a trust fund with monthly payouts for them.

DP. you're exactly the kind of moron he is talking about. You REFUSE to learn anything about ADHD and insist on everyone conforming to your ways.

Ahhhh, here’s the “I’m never changing ever,” adhd attitude folks!

You accommodate my dysfunction.

Drug people into compliance. You sound like a Nazi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

It’s a bad thing when the kids and spouse realize they cannot rely on you to do anything, large or small, you agreed to do.

You’ve dug your own grave then.

Whatever. If your spouse is doing all of the predictable, day to day stuff. Waking the kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, getting them to school, picking them up, getting them to activities, feeding them dinner, doing the laundry, doing the yardwork and minor repairs, putting the kids to bed, reading them stories and talking about their day, every day, then they are fairly reliable.

The fact that they didn’t get gas for you or book the flights correctly doesn’t make them completely unreliable. Maybe you can go put gas in the car while your spouse is doing the dishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you marry him?

Desperate, age 30+ girl bosses. If they could do better, they’d do better.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

Exactly. Send him to the special needs home or back to his mother who never got him treated.

So, if your spouse was blind, instead of, say, having them make dinner every night, which they could do, you would make them responsible for driving the kids, which they could not easily do, and then mock them for having special needs?

That doesn’t seem kind of crazy to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

It’s a bad thing when the kids and spouse realize they cannot rely on you to do anything, large or small, you agreed to do.

You’ve dug your own grave then.

Whatever. If your spouse is doing all of the predictable, day to day stuff. Waking the kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, getting them to school, picking them up, getting them to activities, feeding them dinner, doing the laundry, doing the yardwork and minor repairs, putting the kids to bed, reading them stories and talking about their day, every day, then they are fairly reliable.

The fact that they didn’t get gas for you or book the flights correctly doesn’t make them completely unreliable. Maybe you can go put gas in the car while your spouse is doing the dishes!

Who are you talking to or about?

The untreated adhd ManChild is not doing any of the above things you list. Not on the regular and not when asked and not when he said he would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up.

He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city.

I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

He doesn’t even work part time and still will not or cannot get simple stuff done!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

Exactly. Send him to the special needs home or back to his mother who never got him treated.

So, if your spouse was blind, instead of, say, having them make dinner every night, which they could do, you would make them responsible for driving the kids, which they could not easily do, and then mock them for having special needs?

That doesn’t seem kind of crazy to you?

More like a nearsighted person refusing to wear eyeglasses and then doing nothing.
That’s similar to an adhd person refusing to do the work with their therapist or executive functioning coach, and doing nothing.

Doesn’t that seem crazy to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

Exactly. Send him to the special needs home or back to his mother who never got him treated.

So, if your spouse was blind, instead of, say, having them make dinner every night, which they could do, you would make them responsible for driving the kids, which they could not easily do, and then mock them for having special needs?

That doesn’t seem kind of crazy to you?

You must have the wrong thread. This is about an adhd man who will not or cannot get anything done his family needs him to do. And apparently will not manage his symptoms or his diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I have a husband that I get frustrated with because if I ask him to do something, he says he will do it. But he leaves it off till the very last minute and there is always a problem that comes up, which makes it stressful. This happens every time.
Car needs to he serviced. He does it the wed before we are heading out on a trip (on Saturday). Of course there will be a part that needs to be ordered and car won't be ready.
Kids forms are due for sport/activity. Two days before its due, contacts dr office to complete
Dr office needs 3 days to give back.

Why doesn't he take care of anything timely.

If I suggest target dates, he just says yes, sure. And then doesnt do them.

How am I supposed to function?
I do 90% of all the things, because I cant depend on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

Speaking of stupid people… the point flew WAY over your head, dear.