My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Yup. You're stuck because you can't afford to basically buy him out of the marriage. It sucks. But if he is feeling no shame there is little you can do.

[Anonymous]

You need a lawyer and financial divorce planner. You'll need to convince a judge to impute earning capacity to him so you don't have to support him long term. You will lose your assets but it's worth it to be rid of a man-baby.

[Anonymous]

In the same boat. I'm just trying to make enough money that I can outsource everything and have the option for a divorce. I also try to put him in situations where he has no choice but to deal. It's the only way to force him to engage. For example, if I sit down with him and explain that I need him to handle the kids on a weekday morning because I need to work, he will yes me to death and then simply not do it and the consequences fall on me. BUT, if I leave the house before the kids wake up, then he has NO CHOICE but to get up with them and get them off to school. This strategy can't ever result in actual equity, BUT it can ensure that the structure of the situation compels him to act, rather than me trying to use words to compel him to act which has never worked ever.

[Anonymous]

How is he on non-logistical stuff? If he was handling all/most school drop offs and pickups, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking care of the kids for a big chunk of one weekend day that you had to yourself, then this is manageable. You basically would have a SAHP and your only responsibilities would be the logistical stuff (paperwork, planning, appointments, etc) and that could be an okay balance.

If you’re also doing all that stuff, I’d divorce even if I had to move out of the city (and I’m a city person). That’s just not tenable and the resentment would kill me.

[Anonymous]

Is he on meds?

[Anonymous]

He has ADHD AND doesn’t work? Did you pick him up off of the subway floor? How did you have kids with the neighborhood wino? I don’t think many people are in similar situations.

I encourage you to pray about it and seek God’s help because He’s the only person who can help you out of such dire straits. The AA prayer is a good place to start if you don’t know how to pray:

“GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the same boat. I'm just trying to make enough money that I can outsource everything and have the option for a divorce. I also try to put him in situations where he has no choice but to deal. It's the only way to force him to engage. For example, if I sit down with him and explain that I need him to handle the kids on a weekday morning because I need to work, he will yes me to death and then simply not do it and the consequences fall on me. BUT, if I leave the house before the kids wake up, then he has NO CHOICE but to get up with them and get them off to school. This strategy can't ever result in actual equity, BUT it can ensure that the structure of the situation compels him to act, rather than me trying to use words to compel him to act which has never worked ever.

My spouse definitely does not have ADHD and this is the only way I can get him to engage in the mornings, too. If I'm physically present, everything defaults to me.

[Anonymous]

Act like a single mom. You don't have to mommy him though. And make sure your kids don't parent him either

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t he work? WTF!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

I bet you're the mom. Why doesn't your spouse do more of the logistics since it's not your strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

Yeah, you're comparing apples to oranges. OP's spouse is a man/boy who probably uses ADHD as an excuse to not do any work. You're getting 90% done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer and financial divorce planner. You'll need to convince a judge to impute earning capacity to him so you don't have to support him long term. You will lose your assets but it's worth it to be rid of a man-baby.

Can OP put him on a financial plan where he gets, say, $3,500 per month to spend as he wishes, but no more, unless he has a good reason. Something like this may be the best option.

[Anonymous]

Do not count on him for anything important. Find things he can do…like take out the trash and empty the dishwasher and make him do those tasks. Have him run errands that are not time sensitive. Then you just roll with the punches since you know you have the important stuff covered. It’s suboptimal, for sure, but less costly than a divorce.