My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

That excuse doesn’t work. You can divorce and pay spousal support. Men do it all the time in NYC. You just don’t want to. Stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

That excuse doesn’t work. You can divorce and pay spousal support. Men do it all the time in NYC. You just don’t want to. Stop complaining.

I guess she can't handle budgeting without her ADHD stbx. Many ADHD men have done what she claims isn't possible.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

Exactly!

Let’s all let Darwin take over and see what survives.

God, I’m so good in an emergency, it’s really astounding. Meanwhile neurotypical DH panics and freezes.

My ADHD husband is like this. He’s an anesthesiologist, and nothing calms and focuses his mind like running into a room where someone is actively desatting and no one else can intubate them.

That’s a good job because it requires zero planning or executive functioning. Whoever is yelling or beeping or emailing you last is what you do. Everything else does not exist and will not be circled back to unless someone else makes that happen.

Getting there via the medical school, residency and specialty begs to differ. Are you under the impression that those didn’t require a huge amount of executive functioning? Maybe his wife wants to claim she did that for him too.

Book smarts. Academia for decades. Structured and environment and schedule. Single focus.

What about it PP?

I always love when a HS graduate tells me medical school is so easy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

Except as ER Dr....

With a staff of 5+ other people and no planning needed. Whatever comes in the door last, do it.

Exactly how adhd/asd men manage their day. Last email they saw gets addressed, the rest get forgotten and dumped on someone else.

Not surprised you're mad at ADHD Dr. Probably too many nurses giggling at his jokes or the female anesthesiologist putting hands on his arm to get his attention. Surely he's too inattentive to realize what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

Except as ER Dr....

With a staff of 5+ other people and no planning needed. Whatever comes in the door last, do it.

Exactly how adhd/asd men manage their day. Last email they saw gets addressed, the rest get forgotten and dumped on someone else.

Not surprised you're mad at ADHD Dr. Probably too many nurses giggling at his jokes or the female anesthesiologist putting hands on his arm to get his attention. Surely he's too inattentive to realize what's going on.

Did he remember to change his underwear today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He has ADHD AND doesn’t work? Did you pick him up off of the subway floor? How did you have kids with the neighborhood wino? I don’t think many people are in similar situations.

I encourage you to pray about it and seek God’s help because He’s the only person who can help you out of such dire straits. The AA prayer is a good place to start if you don’t know how to pray:

“GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

This often happens when university-educated women are desperate and unwed/childless after 30. And/or when women are from low stock backgrounds have achieved some level of class mobility, they still retain an affinity for low stock men. Often, these so-called "girl bosses" like having the financial upper-hand over a man.

Nobody else is giving low IQ lazy bums (sorry, "ADHD" suffering ) the time of day. The closest a man like OP's hubby would get to my daughters is leaving their DoorDash on the porch.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op - the reason I mentioned adhd in the post title is bc if I hadn’t everyone would have said ‘he probably has adhd, you should get him tested’.

The problem is not the adhd it’s denial of how much lack of follow through and lack of emotional regulation affects his family. We are flying tom. I have been so slammed lately that I let him book the flights for the first time. I sent him the link. But instead of booking that link he booked one with a 5 hour layover.

Also I asked him to pay to reserve seats. But I knew he somehow wouldn’t. And he didn’t. When I get frustrated he says oh I did do it they screwed up.

He refuses to take accountability and acts like I am unreasonable. I want to stand in the middle of the street and scream as loudly as I possibly can sometimes.

But mainly I am so so mad at myself that I let myself fall for this guy that was handsome and funny and nice to me and didn’t notice that he had no intention of taking being an adult seriously. The self hatred is the worst part

Ugh, sorry.

Unf this second part is the real problem, not the constant mess ups, but they lying, deflecting and blaming others. Anything to protect their false image and ego that they know wtf is ever going on.

They’re utterly unreliable.

Except as ER Dr....

With a staff of 5+ other people and no planning needed. Whatever comes in the door last, do it.

Exactly how adhd/asd men manage their day. Last email they saw gets addressed, the rest get forgotten and dumped on someone else.

Not surprised you're mad at ADHD Dr. Probably too many nurses giggling at his jokes or the female anesthesiologist putting hands on his arm to get his attention. Surely he's too inattentive to realize what's going on.

Did he remember to change his underwear today?

Are you talking about my anesthesiologist husband? Yes. He was on call and went in for a trauma overnight, but he still got up at 5:30 this morning, showered, put on fresh underwear, and went to see his patients pre-operatively and to discuss the patient he saw overnight with the ICU attending that came on this morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

It sounds like OP is overwhelmed with her kids and job already. They might need a SAHP for their household to function.

I’m not sure how OP could fit in arranging childcare, getting kids to school, activities, appointments, etc. She’s already struggling to find time to book airline tickets online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

It sounds like OP is overwhelmed with her kids and job already. They might need a SAHP for their household to function.

I’m not sure how OP could fit in arranging childcare, getting kids to school, activities, appointments, etc. She’s already struggling to find time to book airline tickets online.

No, the OP married a journalist and is shocked she has an unemployed ADHD husband. If he were neurotypical then she'd be complaining he's a raging alcoholic always in the press club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But. Why. Doesn’t. He. Have. A. Job.

It sounds like OP is overwhelmed with her kids and job already. They might need a SAHP for their household to function.

I’m not sure how OP could fit in arranging childcare, getting kids to school, activities, appointments, etc. She’s already struggling to find time to book airline tickets online.

No, the OP married a journalist and is shocked she has an unemployed ADHD husband. If he were neurotypical then she'd be complaining he's a raging alcoholic always in the press club.

Fair enough. I do think that some women really minimize how nice it is to have 24/7 live-in childcare if they are angry at their SAH husband or feel that he is underperforming in some way.

[Anonymous]

A HUGE number of ADHD marriages fail when the ADHD person refuses to medicate. I've been on SSRIs to cope lately and while they work, the joint pain is horrendous and I am losing quality of life. I cut back and today didn't take one.

Sure enough, today I get home from running errands and the UPS guy is blocking the driveway and I gotta go to the bathroom something fierce, but figure I can wait a few moments. Thirty seconds later, my phone rings and it's my husband all flustered because the package coming from Canada has postage due. So pay it I say, I'm in the cul-de-sac and the driveway is blocked. Start getting hemming and hawing and I lose my shit and hang up, because once again it's on me to figure this out. I have a bad hip and the driveway is long and I start hobbling up it, still losing it and still having to go to the bathroom - a bad hip/long driveway/and having to pee is not a good combo for success. The UPS guy is apologizing to me and I'm telling him it's not his fault that my husband can't handle this. I go in, get the checkbook (they don't take a card, not even a debit) and write the check to UPS myself. My husband's response to me when I ask him why he couldn't handle this? "F-you". For those wondering, I did make it to the bathroom - LOL.

Bottom line - ADHD is well-hidden until it's not. I also just found out we lost our vision and dental insurance because he didn't pay the bill since January. Thank GOD I manage the main health care bill. He 'forgot' to leave a method of payment. What CAN he remember? What time all his various bike groups have rides, what gear he needs, where they are going, etc. If it doesn't serve him, he doesn't get it done.

OP, I feel your pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman wktj adhd and I cannot tell you how offensive and tiresome I find all these posts about “adhd husbands.” I know some great guys with adhd. Just like I know great guys with heat disease or whatever. People who manage their health conditions appropriately. It’s offensive to say “adhd husband” and it’s offensive to act like this is the reason he’s a jerk. He’s a jerk because he’s a jerk. If he was not a jerk, he would find appropriate accommodations or treatments for his medical condition. So your post should really be “my jerk husband….”

It's easier for women on this forum to claim their exdh has ADHD so they can lay all the blame on him. Based on their posts you would think every man in the 1950s was racked with ADHD since they did 0% everyday.

Men in the 50s usually paid the bills. You haven't lived until you lose parts of your health insurance, lose a car because your spouse ignored the recall notices (and now have no recourse), have overdosed the kids' meds because he read the package wrong, left suitcases curbside, and blames you when he can't find his things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

Try not to do any of the things you do not have to do.

1. Do not pick up any of his prescriptions.
2. Do not pick up his clothing. If it's on the floor, walk on it.
3. Do not do his laundry.
4. Do not add toilet paper to the roll.
5. Do not put dishes into DW or remove them.

And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

You have ADHD but still manage to do 90% of everything? That’s incredible. Most people are like OP’s husband. They do 0% of everything. Often less than zero because they also can’t take care of themselves.

I have ADHD and can accomplish a lot when the need/motivation is extrinsic. I suck at doing things for myself.

For example, I can get the tax documents together, hire people to fix things (get quotes, do research on the project, review the quotes, etc), and client work. However, doing "work" that benefits me personally can be a lot harder for me to get done.

The meds help to a certain degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This man cannot handle any responsibility at all, and it is getting worse. Submit tax forms - they will not get submitted. School health forms, will not get submitted. Medical reimbursement forms will not get filed. prescriptions will not get picked up. He does not work and I work a million hours a day so this is not tenable. Am looking into divorce but not sure how the money situation will go (in NYC) as I cannot afford to pay for 2 homes in insanely expensive city. I have started to really hate this person. Anyone else in a similar boat?

Sorry.

The deal is that you seriously downscale now so that you pay much less in spousal support once you do file.

So maybe you move from the city to the burbs. If you have two cars, drop down to one. No vacations. Just visit relatives or old friends. No gym or fancy hobbies.

In 3-5 years, divorce.