My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

It’s a bad thing when the kids and spouse realize they cannot rely on you to do anything, large or small, you agreed to do.

You’ve dug your own grave then.

Whatever. If your spouse is doing all of the predictable, day to day stuff. Waking the kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, getting them to school, picking them up, getting them to activities, feeding them dinner, doing the laundry, doing the yardwork and minor repairs, putting the kids to bed, reading them stories and talking about their day, every day, then they are fairly reliable.

The fact that they didn’t get gas for you or book the flights correctly doesn’t make them completely unreliable. Maybe you can go put gas in the car while your spouse is doing the dishes!

Who are you talking to or about?

The untreated adhd ManChild is not doing any of the above things you list. Not on the regular and not when asked and not when he said he would.

Literally no one on this thread said that their ADHD spouse wasn’t doing the day to day stuff.
They are upset that he drops the ball with the one-offs.

My adhd spouse loves the one off boondoggles.

Take his four times as long to do as anyone else, and he thinks it’s a handy excuse not to do the day to day responsibilities again!

Off to Home Depot a 3rd time to try to buy the right part again, sorry kids, good luck!

Eventually he’s so bad at everything we prefer him out of the house doing his slow motion boondoggles. They suffer a high error rate and may result in further setbacks (broke the plumbing, jammed the appliance, credit card fraud, booked something incorrectly), so we keep it to really contained things that only affect him.

Is this an ADHD thing or a man thing? I am the ADHD spouse in my relationship (wife), and my husband will still spend the day doing this stuff. He spent most of the day today going to Home Depot to get supplies to build a raised flower bed and replanting some trees that he thinks will fare better in a different spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

ADHD is a mental illness and not at all “stupid and lazy” WTF is wrong with you?!

Stupid and lazy is not treating and managing your ADHD.

Get it now?

No, I don’t “get it”. Managing ADHD is not like popping a pill and everything is fine. Only ignorant people think like that.

BTW should we treat menopausal women the same way? Are they “unstable and overly emotional” and not “managing” their hormones if they get hot flashes and have needs that are unique to their personal health? There is literally a thread blaming hormones on hating your own perfectly nice husband but nobody called those women “stupid and crazy”, right? I think you are just another misandrist.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1322335.page

No one said it popping a pill except you.

A year of DBT therapy is the gold standard to get and practice better communication, executive functioning, and socialization habits. It may take longer if you aren’t doing your homework or graduating each module. If you need a stimulant to help you focus on developing adult habits and organizational systems that work for you, that is fine too.

You’d do that for your struggling adhd child, right? So do it for yourself, and others who want to be able to rely on you.
DBT

+1 Love how angry and defensive this one person is. It's almost like they know they are the problem now and can't blame others any longer....

[Anonymous]

Sorry your husband sucks. Better luck next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

ADHD is a mental illness and not at all “stupid and lazy” WTF is wrong with you?!

Stupid and lazy is not treating and managing your ADHD.

Get it now?

No, I don’t “get it”. Managing ADHD is not like popping a pill and everything is fine. Only ignorant people think like that.

BTW should we treat menopausal women the same way? Are they “unstable and overly emotional” and not “managing” their hormones if they get hot flashes and have needs that are unique to their personal health? There is literally a thread blaming hormones on hating your own perfectly nice husband but nobody called those women “stupid and crazy”, right? I think you are just another misandrist.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1322335.page

No one said it popping a pill except you.

A year of DBT therapy is the gold standard to get and practice better communication, executive functioning, and socialization habits. It may take longer if you aren’t doing your homework or graduating each module. If you need a stimulant to help you focus on developing adult habits and organizational systems that work for you, that is fine too.

You’d do that for your struggling adhd child, right? So do it for yourself, and others who want to be able to rely on you.
DBT

DBT does not teach executive function or organizational habits for people with ADHD. It’s the gold standard for borderline personality disorder. However, while it doesn’t help you become the person pp wants you to be, it CAN help with the depression, poor self-esteem, and suicidal ideation you might have if you have a spouse or parent like the previous poster.

It teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

ADHD is a mental illness and not at all “stupid and lazy” WTF is wrong with you?!

Stupid and lazy is not treating and managing your ADHD.

Get it now?

No, I don’t “get it”. Managing ADHD is not like popping a pill and everything is fine. Only ignorant people think like that.

BTW should we treat menopausal women the same way? Are they “unstable and overly emotional” and not “managing” their hormones if they get hot flashes and have needs that are unique to their personal health? There is literally a thread blaming hormones on hating your own perfectly nice husband but nobody called those women “stupid and crazy”, right? I think you are just another misandrist.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1322335.page

No one said it popping a pill except you.

A year of DBT therapy is the gold standard to get and practice better communication, executive functioning, and socialization habits. It may take longer if you aren’t doing your homework or graduating each module. If you need a stimulant to help you focus on developing adult habits and organizational systems that work for you, that is fine too.

You’d do that for your struggling adhd child, right? So do it for yourself, and others who want to be able to rely on you.
DBT

+1 Love how angry and defensive this one person is. It's almost like they know they are the problem now and can't blame others any longer....

Not sure who your attempted gaslighting is meant for, but the post you’re calling angry (1) is not angry in tone, and (2) is clinically and medically correct. Also unclear why you keep attacking therapists’ recommendations people are sharing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

ADHD is a mental illness and not at all “stupid and lazy” WTF is wrong with you?!

Stupid and lazy is not treating and managing your ADHD.

Get it now?

No, I don’t “get it”. Managing ADHD is not like popping a pill and everything is fine. Only ignorant people think like that.

BTW should we treat menopausal women the same way? Are they “unstable and overly emotional” and not “managing” their hormones if they get hot flashes and have needs that are unique to their personal health? There is literally a thread blaming hormones on hating your own perfectly nice husband but nobody called those women “stupid and crazy”, right? I think you are just another misandrist.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1322335.page

No one said it popping a pill except you.

A year of DBT therapy is the gold standard to get and practice better communication, executive functioning, and socialization habits. It may take longer if you aren’t doing your homework or graduating each module. If you need a stimulant to help you focus on developing adult habits and organizational systems that work for you, that is fine too.

You’d do that for your struggling adhd child, right? So do it for yourself, and others who want to be able to rely on you.
DBT

DBT does not teach executive function or organizational habits for people with ADHD. It’s the gold standard for borderline personality disorder. However, while it doesn’t help you become the person pp wants you to be, it CAN help with the depression, poor self-esteem, and suicidal ideation you might have if you have a spouse or parent like the previous poster.

It teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.

Perfect for ND.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one that sees attacks on such a husband and/or baby’s father as an implicit attack on your child, who has his genetics? Not a good look. Y’all are basically calling your own child stupid, lazy, special needs, a loser, a bum, etc.

Sorry to report but stupid and lazy people do indeed exist PP. Whether it’s due to unmanaged adhd or just lack of IQ or work ethic.
And at some point and age, it’s up to them to fix it themselves or suffer the consequences.

ADHD is a mental illness and not at all “stupid and lazy” WTF is wrong with you?!

Stupid and lazy is not treating and managing your ADHD.

Get it now?

No, I don’t “get it”. Managing ADHD is not like popping a pill and everything is fine. Only ignorant people think like that.

BTW should we treat menopausal women the same way? Are they “unstable and overly emotional” and not “managing” their hormones if they get hot flashes and have needs that are unique to their personal health? There is literally a thread blaming hormones on hating your own perfectly nice husband but nobody called those women “stupid and crazy”, right? I think you are just another misandrist.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1322335.page

No one said it popping a pill except you.

A year of DBT therapy is the gold standard to get and practice better communication, executive functioning, and socialization habits. It may take longer if you aren’t doing your homework or graduating each module. If you need a stimulant to help you focus on developing adult habits and organizational systems that work for you, that is fine too.

You’d do that for your struggling adhd child, right? So do it for yourself, and others who want to be able to rely on you.
DBT

DBT does not teach executive function or organizational habits for people with ADHD. It’s the gold standard for borderline personality disorder. However, while it doesn’t help you become the person pp wants you to be, it CAN help with the depression, poor self-esteem, and suicidal ideation you might have if you have a spouse or parent like the previous poster.

It teaches mindfulness, distress tolerance, interpersonal effectiveness, and emotional regulation.

Perfect for ND.

What is ND?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That aforementioned 1,2,3 thing has come up at work and at home.

Once had to fire a COO who just sat around until someone asked a key question or explicitly asked him to do something. Then he’d do it and half the time not finish or mess up. Not sr mgmt.

At home my spouse is asd/adhd. After years of trying to get him involved and everything failing, he’s systematized out of most things. He probably loves it, but we really couldn’t keep up with the constant setbacks (agreeing to do things and not doing them - fill up gas tank before road trip, handle the taxes, booking the flights correctly). So he just works. I don’t wanna know how that’s really going, he’s so senior people prob pick up all the slack.

I don’t understand why you would give your ADHD spouse tedious one-time tasks to do and then get upset that they weren’t done correctly the first time.

This is like giving your blind spouse responsibility for getting the kids to extracurriculars and then getting upset that they only do things within walking distance of your house or you have a large Uber bill.

Are you stupid? Or just mean?

What a minute. That’s exactly what she said she did—-/ tried to get him involved, he’d fail at basic things HE agreed to do, so now he does nothing and they rely on him for nothing. He “just works” and he’s “been systematized out of everything.”

Sounds smart and not mean.

Doesn’t mean I’d do that for a deadweight, bad role model ManChild, but to each their own. Most people would divorce an idiot like that.

I don’t know about your household, but mine has a LOT of tasks that are very routine and need to be done about every day.
Getting kids up, getting them to and from school, making dinner, getting kids to bed, etc.
There are also more creative things like coming up with games to play with the kids, telling stories, scaring away monsters in the closets, etc.
And there are things that are kind of interesting or exciting like learning how to do minor home repairs or planting a garden.

All of these would be reasonable tasks to hand over to your ADHD spouse.

Why would you put them in charge of taxes and handing in forms and then get upset if it isn’t done right?

Is it being stupid or mean?

You are being stupid.
None of those would happen with an untreated adhd male.

He wouldnt start the task on his own, he wouldnt finish it, or he wouldnt do it correctly and then it would need redoing. Maybe the occasional Disney dad stuff when the kids are little, bc he’s focused on his ego and image.

Lol…okay.

If the guy is not getting the kids to school or not feeding them, why is the thing you are upset about “not getting gas before a road trip?”

It’s a bad thing when the kids and spouse realize they cannot rely on you to do anything, large or small, you agreed to do.

You’ve dug your own grave then.

Whatever. If your spouse is doing all of the predictable, day to day stuff. Waking the kids up, getting them dressed, feeding them breakfast, getting them to school, picking them up, getting them to activities, feeding them dinner, doing the laundry, doing the yardwork and minor repairs, putting the kids to bed, reading them stories and talking about their day, every day, then they are fairly reliable.

The fact that they didn’t get gas for you or book the flights correctly doesn’t make them completely unreliable. Maybe you can go put gas in the car while your spouse is doing the dishes!

Who are you talking to or about?

The untreated adhd ManChild is not doing any of the above things you list. Not on the regular and not when asked and not when he said he would.

Literally no one on this thread said that their ADHD spouse wasn’t doing the day to day stuff.
They are upset that he drops the ball with the one-offs.

My adhd spouse loves the one off boondoggles.

Take his four times as long to do as anyone else, and he thinks it’s a handy excuse not to do the day to day responsibilities again!

Off to Home Depot a 3rd time to try to buy the right part again, sorry kids, good luck!

Eventually he’s so bad at everything we prefer him out of the house doing his slow motion boondoggles. They suffer a high error rate and may result in further setbacks (broke the plumbing, jammed the appliance, credit card fraud, booked something incorrectly), so we keep it to really contained things that only affect him.

Everything? Presumably you married him for his impulsiveness which translates into bedroom skills.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any leverage over this allegedly lazy or unmotivated person? Use an ultimatum to wake him up to reality. Like: no more s3x, sleep in a different room, etc.