Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look up DARVO. His defensiveness is troubling if it’s constant. And his inability to apologize. If your son is the same then it’s more worrying. Do you feel this is a loving home or a toxic one? Just because it’s better than the one you grew up in doesn’t mean you need stay in it.

I looked it up. It looks like something someone does when accused of abusive behavior, like sexual assault for example.

He threw out my stock. That really sucked, but it doesn’t equate to abuse. I think how he responded was problematic. And maybe i did not communicate my feelings on it as well as I could have, and he received it as an attack and so was unable to acknowledge what he did. Basically DARVO.

But I wouldn’t call this abuse. It’s toxic, destructive, maladaptive behavior Probably learned from his mom. I’ve witnessed that happening. He has an issue with being unable to tolerate any perceived criticism and claims I’m constantly critical, so I always have to communicate carefully so he doesn’t take it that way.

So the question is how do I address this with my husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is sockpuppeting the hell out of this troll thread now.

+1

Seriously. Don’t waste your time on this troll thread.

[Anonymous]

Op here with a quick update. We talked it out this morning. Thanks all for the input, it was helpful.

I started off by asking how he would prefer me to communicate that scenario so that it wouldn’t upset him. He was never able to answer that question and said the issue was my lack of good faith and trust that he wasn’t trying to hurt me. There were at least 5 or 6 times the discussion started going sideways with the same thing but I kept it on track. I said his way of responding was upsetting and destructive. Didn’t take that too well initially, but we got there. After I repeated his exact words to me, he first accused me of not trusting that he wasn’t trying to hurt me, but I persisted and he eventually acknowledged he might do that unconsciously and apologized and said it wasn’t his intention to hurt me and would try to be more aware of it in the future.

And I said I would try to fix my tone and not be accusatory in the future.

Kinda proud of myself that I held my ground and didn’t play the martyr either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

Turning to DCUM because I can’t talk to people I know about this. And because afterwards, I felt very destabilized and questioning my own reality of how things happened. It’s very upsetting. I need a third party objective view. In reality, DCUM is a mixed bag, between 2 extremes. The fellow gaslighters who say I’m either making stuff up or that it’s all my fault and the other extreme of the spouse is abusive and you need to get out. It just requires a bit of teasing out the more grounded responses, but it is helpful for me in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

Turning to DCUM because I can’t talk to people I know about this. And because afterwards, I felt very destabilized and questioning my own reality of how things happened. It’s very upsetting. I need a third party objective view. In reality, DCUM is a mixed bag, between 2 extremes. The fellow gaslighters who say I’m either making stuff up or that it’s all my fault and the other extreme of the spouse is abusive and you need to get out. It just requires a bit of teasing out the more grounded responses, but it is helpful for me in the end.

Cool story. Tell it to a therapist, and when you do, be honest. You've been sockpuppeting all over this thread and it reeks of troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

This. OP needs attention, and probably makes drama at home to get it. Now we've gotta listen to the insufferable "I'm so proud of myself..." phase. Blargh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

This. OP needs attention, and probably makes drama at home to get it. Now we've gotta listen to the insufferable "I'm so proud of myself..." phase. Blargh.

The more OP posts, the more I understand her husband's reaction. She must be exhausting to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

NP. I’d like to know why you’re on DCUM all day and night and half of this thread’s posts. Total BS.

This. OP needs attention, and probably makes drama at home to get it. Now we've gotta listen to the insufferable "I'm so proud of myself..." phase. Blargh.

Not sure who hurt you to be so unkind and lead you to attack strangers on the internet. But I do sincerely hope for healing for you. I’m aware of people who accuse others of things that they themselves are guilty of. I see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

I am a married male to a female.

I am an excellent cook and serious about whatever I make for our family. My wife and I discuss meals and level of prep required (and if I/we have time for soup, slow cooked protein/or truly smoking something for 8-15 hours).

Sounds like you are not on same page. Making a good meal is not an individual effort; one person can do it - but it is immensely time and emotionally consuming.

No.

lol.

Cooking a good meal requires passion, patience and talent. Not everyone has true culinary talent; but most of home chefs and wannabe Chopped contestants are invested in our meals a plating.

Totally get it if you do not understand- keep hitting drive thru and uber eats for a “good meal”.

I cook dinner 4 times a week, my husband twice, and one night we go out or order in. I fully understand what it takes to put a good, nutritious meal on the table, I just quibble with the idea that it is "emotionally consuming." Perhaps when i was first starting to cook and every meal felt like a referendum on my cooking abilities. But now that I've cooked thousands of meals, a screw up here or there doesn't throw me. So I actually think the more skilled and experienced the cook, the less of an emotional journey it is. It's just dinner. It'll happen again tomorrow night. No need to get in your feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this thread on so many levels, and not just OP’s response to others’ advice. Why did a bunch of posts suggesting that OP might be in an abusive relationship get deleted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look up DARVO. His defensiveness is troubling if it’s constant. And his inability to apologize. If your son is the same then it’s more worrying. Do you feel this is a loving home or a toxic one? Just because it’s better than the one you grew up in doesn’t mean you need stay in it.

I looked it up. It looks like something someone does when accused of abusive behavior, like sexual assault for example.

He threw out my stock. That really sucked, but it doesn’t equate to abuse. I think how he responded was problematic. And maybe i did not communicate my feelings on it as well as I could have, and he received it as an attack and so was unable to acknowledge what he did. Basically DARVO.

But I wouldn’t call this abuse. It’s toxic, destructive, maladaptive behavior Probably learned from his mom. I’ve witnessed that happening. He has an issue with being unable to tolerate any perceived criticism and claims I’m constantly critical, so I always have to communicate carefully so he doesn’t take it that way.

So the question is how do I address this with my husband?

If you are walking on eggshells in your own home then you need to take a hard look at the toxicity. I think therapy would do you good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look up DARVO. His defensiveness is troubling if it’s constant. And his inability to apologize. If your son is the same then it’s more worrying. Do you feel this is a loving home or a toxic one? Just because it’s better than the one you grew up in doesn’t mean you need stay in it.

I looked it up. It looks like something someone does when accused of abusive behavior, like sexual assault for example.

He threw out my stock. That really sucked, but it doesn’t equate to abuse. I think how he responded was problematic. And maybe i did not communicate my feelings on it as well as I could have, and he received it as an attack and so was unable to acknowledge what he did. Basically DARVO.

But I wouldn’t call this abuse. It’s toxic, destructive, maladaptive behavior Probably learned from his mom. I’ve witnessed that happening. He has an issue with being unable to tolerate any perceived criticism and claims I’m constantly critical, so I always have to communicate carefully so he doesn’t take it that way.

So the question is how do I address this with my husband?

DARVO is not just sexual abuse. It's Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, which can happen during any conflict.

I had a BF who behaved like your husband. "You should have ABC" "You did XYZ last week and that was even worse", "well I guess I just suck", etc. The absolute only way to deal with this is to call it out in the moment and be willing to leave him if he doesn't stop (and I did leave eventually).

Unfortunately, most women are not willing to leave, so they spend way too much time talking. Men are like dogs, you can talk at a dog all day long and explain how you really want him to stop biting you, but ultimately the only thing that works is consequences.

I'd also be very concerned he threw it away on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

It's fine to be upset about what happened. It sounds like it was a mistake on his part though, so to be mad at him for doing it is maybe a bridge too far.

That's all I've got though, he is way overreacting, clearly can't handle criticism or even perceived criticism, and sounds like a child who needs to be in therapy to grow up.

He's going to do the same thing to your kids soon enough if he hasn't already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

A few things are happening here: One, you are downplaying your reaction so as not to give readers support for your spouse's position. Two, your spouse is immature af and a poor communicator, who could've texted to ask but decided to dump food. Three, you also suck at communicating, and could've just as easily told your family what you were doing, that it mattered to you, not to dump it, etc. Four, you both suck at conflict, get defensive, start blaming, and work to win, not work to solve the problem(s) together.

Five, you brought your messy circus nonsense to DCUM looking for "support" instead of figuring this out like an adult and working on your part of it (and you absolutely have a part in it). You want to hear how bad HE is, and you will, but he's not the part you control.

Stop the villain/victim framing and really own your part. If he still acts like a clown instead of owning his, well, that's informative. Maybe y'all need to work on that. Maybe he's not worth working with. But you have to look at what you did, and the way you wrote this is manipulative as hell, which strongly suggests you're not even trying to own your part.

I came here because after every one of these kinds of exchanges, I feel like I don’t have a grip on reality and I need a third party to bring me back down to earth. I just want to tease out what’s really happening.

I do very much wish I could record the exchange to play it back when I am calm so I can objectively judge. But in the moment, I feel very distressed by his words and his reaction.

How can I have communicated better?

OP, I sympathize. I have also told my husband I felt like a crazy person after an argument sometimes.

He grew up with verbally abusive parents. His dad was the primary abuser and then his mom would lash out at my husband after she was yelled at by her husband. She would nit pick him and criticize him and tear him down. Misery loves company and all that.

He thought it was normal, because children think how their parents act is how all parents act until they figure out otherwise, so he became very brittle when it came to criticism of any kind.

Generally our fights were over something small where he thought I was upset with him about something. At one point I asked him, whose face do you see when you look at me right now? Because I have never said or done anything intentionally to hurt you but I feel like you're acting as though I just berated you. That's how we came to realize it was his childhood trauma that surfaced whenever he felt like he was being criticized.

Long story short, our fights didn't happen all that often and he always did apologize after cooling down and he acknowledged his role in everything (and I should say, our fights never involved yelling, hitting, silent treatment, anything, it was more just disagreement/tension). At one point I suggested therapy and that plus reading the book of children of emotionally immature parents has made a world of difference. We now have a method for when we need to discuss something with the other person that we don't want them to take the wrong way (I'm not perfect either), but for situations like yours that come out of the blue we've been able to get our heads straight that there are factor outside our relationship affecting the situation so we can act accordingly and make it better.