Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

No.

Unless he’s training you to shut up at all times. Or he wants to upset you, since he’s upset about something at work. You show his emotions since he’s so stunted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO couples therapy with a verbal or emotional or psychological abuser spouse. Nope.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP is sockpuppeting the hell out of this troll thread now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

I am a married male to a female.

I am an excellent cook and serious about whatever I make for our family. My wife and I discuss meals and level of prep required (and if I/we have time for soup, slow cooked protein/or truly smoking something for 8-15 hours).

Sounds like you are not on same page. Making a good meal is not an individual effort; one person can do it - but it is immensely time and emotionally consuming.

[Anonymous]

My Vietnamese mother simmering beef pho broth for 9 hours in a vat would have sliced his dk off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

I am a married male to a female.

I am an excellent cook and serious about whatever I make for our family. My wife and I discuss meals and level of prep required (and if I/we have time for soup, slow cooked protein/or truly smoking something for 8-15 hours).

Sounds like you are not on same page. Making a good meal is not an individual effort; one person can do it - but it is immensely time and emotionally consuming.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Anything else Op?

What do you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

I am a married male to a female.

I am an excellent cook and serious about whatever I make for our family. My wife and I discuss meals and level of prep required (and if I/we have time for soup, slow cooked protein/or truly smoking something for 8-15 hours).

Sounds like you are not on same page. Making a good meal is not an individual effort; one person can do it - but it is immensely time and emotionally consuming.

No.

lol.

Cooking a good meal requires passion, patience and talent. Not everyone has true culinary talent; but most of home chefs and wannabe Chopped contestants are invested in our meals a plating.

Totally get it if you do not understand- keep hitting drive thru and uber eats for a “good meal”.

[Anonymous]

Guy here: Your husband is a 'tard.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm really concerned that you are chiming in here to say this isn't an abusive relationship, and at the same time you're asking if you're insufficiently walking on eggshells. I'm not sure what else to add to what others have said here except that I hope you come back to this thread in a couple of months and re-read it and get the clarity you need to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Look up DARVO. His defensiveness is troubling if it’s constant. And his inability to apologize. If your son is the same then it’s more worrying. Do you feel this is a loving home or a toxic one? Just because it’s better than the one you grew up in doesn’t mean you need stay in it.

[Anonymous]

You have every right to be upset and I sympathize for you.

I personally have a tone problem. When I get upset, I yell and I have realized my anger is not justified.

It really depends how upset and how much you went off on your DH. If he was sorry and it was an honest mistake, you can’t keep blaming him. I do this all the time and not proud of it.