Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was nice enough to do dishes.

He made a mistake.

You acted like he did it on purpose.

He got defensive.

You got defensive.

Should have…

Did u clean the pot?
Yes.

Omg I made stock for dinner and it was cooling in the broth. (You don’t assume he knows)

Then he should be like holy sh!t, sorry.

Then you can be sad /bummed/etc but move on.

To clarify, he strained the bones and meat out and saved those. Just threw out all the broth. I think he assumes I was just cooking the bones and meat and not intending to keep the stock.

OMG. He thought he was helping and you got mad at him. Even though he did the wrong thing I can see him being tired of you going after him for something he did that he thought was helpful.

You shouldn’t “help” by doing random things that no one’s asked of you.

Says someone who has clearly never lived with someone and has no children...

Wrong, so wrong. Just over “I was trying to help” as an excuse for items being ruined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not read all the previous replies.
I feel there is a lack of communications between you and your husband.
Also maybe he doesn’t like that broth and doesn’t know how to tell you. I used to cook from scratch complicated nutritious meals from my husband. Initially he seemed to appreciate it. One day I found out in shock that certain nights he just wanted a cold bowl of his favorite cereals (!!!!). I felt hurt when I discovered that but now we compromise having once in a while a ‘single night’ in which he can enjoy his favorite junk food

This is absolutely no excuse to throw something out. How would you like it if your spouse went through your wardrobe and threw out things he didn’t like? I’m sure you would find it unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This exact script has played out many times in our relationship in one form or other. Although we've talked it out, I admit I still don't feel 100% better and I notice that I'm just not myself and I can't just immediately go back to being warm and loving to him. The fact that it repeats, feels like reopening a half-healed wound, and it triggers a lot of old hurt and frustration for me.

It's a vicious cycle that has been repeating, due to our differences and incompatibilities. Maybe I veer to being a control freak in certain areas (like meal prep), and maybe HE veers towards the opposite end, combined with carelessness. And then add to that formula - we both have incompatible and immature communication styles to work out the inevitable conflict that our differences cause.

We both have had to change and compromise a LOT on just basic household management stuff, because of our differences and incompatibilities. And we have problem solved around many of our incompatibilities.

If we were just talking about the stock and there was no prior history, maybe this wouldn't have even been a thing. But when he throws out something of mine, that is definitely an old wound for me. And even though logically I know he does it unintentionally, in the moment, it FEELS very aggressive and like a violation to me, and then my whole body feels primed in preparation for him to deny doing it, painting me as "crazy" for making a big deal out of nothing, turning it around on me, and finally him crying and saying I think he's such a horrible person.

I feel like I was able to articulate clearly about this behavior that really upsets me, for the first time yesterday.
And I do think he was able to SEE it for the first time.
And I do think he does it automatically and unconsciously whenever he feels criticized.
And I do think he is extra sensitive to criticism because he's received it all his life, because he does struggle with things that most people typically do not....
...Things like hearing the exact opposite of what was said, or doing the exact opposite of what most people do, or simply not understanding the millions of assumptions that people take for granted, being clumsy or absent-minded and breaking/dropping/misplacing/discarding things, not knowing expectations and assumptions that most people take for granted, and for the most part, simply living by his own unique rules.

I am wary of bringing this up, because he is no longer the person he was when we first met, and I don't want to get stuck in the past. But as just one example how far we've come and to illustrate where we started: At the beginning of our relationship, I literally had to spell out for him and convince him why I didn't like being called a "f-ing B" when we were disagreeing, and it took years of convincing him that the goal of our disagreements wasn't to win at all costs. He thought, isn't that the whole point of fighting, to win? I had to sit down and teach him that yes, you might shut me down and win in the moment, but that also has a very expensive cost to the relationship. He did that with his family members too, until I taught him not to.

I recognize my part in perpetuating this cycle too. But all of the above is part of the reason that this is a work in progress for me.

Can I ask why you stayed with him? The first time someone called me that would be the last time.

My old “story” was that I had low self esteem and it felt familiar because my dad was verbally abusive. Poor me. That story really kept me stuck. My new “story” is that I knew deep down he didn’t intend to hurt me. I think that’s much closer to the truth. But that’s all he knew how to do when feeling criticized or rejected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Well you are the one who was there and it seems you think you need to take a breather.

The way you initially presented this made your DH sound like a psychopath. We don't have his side of the story. You guys probably need counseling.

I made a pretty loud and audible gasp. And I said “why did you throw out the broth?!” And I said it pretty immediately as a reaction after seeing the empty pot with just the bones in it.

That is just my normal unfiltered reaction. And I’m wondering if I need to stop myself before putting out the “unfiltered” version of my response.

You need to look up the difference between "reacting" and "responding". Because you (over)reacted.

That thing you're contemplating doing, where you pause a beat/breathe and then respond? That's a response. You're an adult now, so if you haven't learned the difference, you've probably (over)reacted a LOT, and may even have a lengthy history and pattern of (over)reacting. A few sessions with a therapist to help you understand the difference and practice responding instead might be a great place to start.

Ok, that’s something I can definitely work on.

Also, I think my husband is sensitive to criticism because his dad was such a jerk to him growing up. Super critical, cursing him out after making a bad play in little league, beating him for getting less than straight A pluses, calling him stupid, calling him names, etc.

A therapist I used to see would likely say that in that heated moment, your husband felt shame, and that his over the top defensiveness was not actually about you, but it was about his dad. The shame triggered that.

The reason I stopped seeing the therapist was that we never got to the solution. We could see that pattern over and over but the therapist's answer was that we needed couples therapy or husband to get his own therapy.

Maybe other people or their therapists have more actionable answers.

I saw a therapist for 2 yrs also. And while he also suggested couples therapy, (which my husband would never agree to), we ultimately worked on how I could change my own behaviors which really helped a lot.

In retrospect, here’s what I could have done differently.

As soon as I saw the empty pot, I would have felt an emotional reaction and that could have been my signal to pause.

Detach myself from the emotion, which realistically would have taken me at least a half hour. Think about approaching it from a problem solving perspective and identify what my end goal was. Which might have been something like— let him know I was upset about losing hours of work, and then ensure it didn’t happen again.

Then carefully craft my response, taking into account his expected response and triggers.

Then deliver it when my head is clear and my emotions have completely cooled.

I do know I am capable of doing this, because I do it all the time with parenting, and with work. But marriage habits die hard.

Maybe I’m a bad parent, but I would be upset with my kids about something like this. Not raving mad, but definitely a sharp intake of breath, asking what happened, and expecting an apology after I explained that this was something I had worked on. I would probably expect them to help me fix it.
My kids are teens now, but even when they were little, I remember getting upset about things that happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

That’s interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

That’s interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yes. It feels scary and upsetting. That’s how I know that he’s doing this and it isn’t a normal conversation. Because yes, the words are normal.

I think this article does a pretty good job of describing the behavior. The author is racist and sexist (by 2010 standards…not as bad as 2025 racism), but if you can get past that, there are some pearls of truth in what he has to say.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/09/when_was_the_last_time_you_got.html

Also, you know, you don’t have to stay in this marriage and do all of this. You aren’t his therapist or his social worker. You don’t have to live your life on edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your perseveration on this or navel gazing on this thread, I wonder how much you do of this in real life.

I don't know if you don't do this in real life and are just using this as an outlet to think out loud but if you are expecting a deep emotional and mental autopsy of every little thing, I can see that being exhausting and something I would not want to engage in either.

Seriously.

This whole thread is about how some adults can't communicate, and cause their own dramas about it. That's it. It's a short story (or it would be, if OP would stop sockpuppeting to keep it bumped).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

That’s interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yes. It feels scary and upsetting. That’s how I know that he’s doing this and it isn’t a normal conversation. Because yes, the words are normal.

I think this article does a pretty good job of describing the behavior. The author is racist and sexist (by 2010 standards…not as bad as 2025 racism), but if you can get past that, there are some pearls of truth in what he has to say.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/09/when_was_the_last_time_you_got.html

Also, you know, you don’t have to stay in this marriage and do all of this. You aren’t his therapist or his social worker. You don’t have to live your life on edge.

OMFG. OP doesn't "live her life on edge". OP goes out and does as she pleases (without communicating) and then flies off the handle at her spouse for making what seems to have been an honest mistake.

If anything, OP's spouse is the one who has to walk on eggshells and live his life on edge. All y'all supporting the troll are part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem.
Tell us how the marriage is outside of this ?

It’s mostly good. When I get upset about a mistake he made- throwing out something of mine, breaking something of mine, that’s when this behavior comes out, and it’s so distressing to me.

How hard of a time are you giving him about a MISTAKE he made? Of course even if it was a mistake you should apologize to someone if you did something to them but I also wouldn't be too hard on someone who accidentally threw something out. Yes, it's careless, and I have a right to be upset about it, but they didn't do it on purpose...

Great, if this was a one-time mistake, a grown man should have no problem apologizing and vowing to not do that again.

But that ain’t how he handled his mistake, is it?

Now if he has a pattern of repeat “mistakes” or similar behaviors, that’s a different issue.

You're right, he should have no trouble apologizing for what he did. But when his wife came at him like he had done it on purpose, I can see how he was rocked back on his heels. Should he have had a better response? Absolutely. Should she have handled it better when she walked in the door? Absolutely.

I don’t know. I just can’t see it. If he tried to apologize and she wouldn’t accept it, then I can see how he would get upset.
But it seems weird to throw away something someone had been working on or break something belonging to someone else and then not apologize or try to set it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

His reaction to how YOU handled his mistake?

Um, he didn’t even say he was sorry.

Um, you were wanting a sorry for something he did on accident. Which is fine, I will apologize for things I didn't mean to do when they have an unintended outcome, but if I stepped on someone's toe and before I knew I had done it they got mad at me about it I think I'd have a much different reaction than if I knew I did it and could say I was sorry before they spoke.

You have some anger issues.

I mean, people get mad when you demean them or keep them from doing something that’s important to them. So if you stepped on someone’s toe hard enough that they can’t just keep walking and doing whatever they were doing, then they are going to be mad.
They aren’t trying to belittle you by not letting you apologize first before they get mad. They aren’t terrible people for not “taking a deep breath and calibrating their response.” Just say you are sorry and ask if you can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

That’s interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yes. It feels scary and upsetting. That’s how I know that he’s doing this and it isn’t a normal conversation. Because yes, the words are normal.

I think this article does a pretty good job of describing the behavior. The author is racist and sexist (by 2010 standards…not as bad as 2025 racism), but if you can get past that, there are some pearls of truth in what he has to say.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/09/when_was_the_last_time_you_got.html

Also, you know, you don’t have to stay in this marriage and do all of this. You aren’t his therapist or his social worker. You don’t have to live your life on edge.

OMFG. OP doesn't "live her life on edge". OP goes out and does as she pleases (without communicating) and then flies off the handle at her spouse for making what seems to have been an honest mistake.

If anything, OP's spouse is the one who has to walk on eggshells and live his life on edge. All y'all supporting the troll are part of the problem.

Pp you are responding to. Maybe “walking on eggshells” was too much. I was writing out a couple specific examples of when DH came to me acting “calm” but with an underlying threatening tone and how I handled it to diffuse the situation.
Looking at it, it looked kind of crazy to keep diffusing situations and calling him out all of the time. I’m not sure that I want to advise anyone else to do this. So, I deleted it.

I just wanted to write that OP doesn’t have to stay in this. There are plenty of people who have marriages that aren’t full of drama and are pretty similar to their other relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

My husband does something similar to this and to the initial story in your OP. My husband also grew up in a chaotic home. He told me once during a heart to heart that it made him feel good when everyone around him was screaming and he was able to remain calm, and he did purposefully, if somewhat unconsciously, create these situations.

What works for us in the situation you describe here is for me to respond to the actual situation, not just to his words. Your husband is acting angry. You know he’s angry. He knows he’s angry. It’s just the two of you in the room. There is no reason for you to pretend to buy into this whole “calm guy who just wants to have a conversation” charade. You know you aren’t going to have a productive conversation.

When he does this, say, “You seem mad. Why are you angrily asking me about my bedtime habits while I’m walking out the door?”

Then he can either explode (which he won’t do…his whole thing is that he’s the calm one), or he can back off.

If you want, when he says that he isn’t actually angry, you can let him save face a little and say that he doesn’t understand “tone” or how he’s “coming across to other people.” But don’t fall into a thing where you are trying to “prove” that he was acting angry. Because that’s BS and it untethers both of you from reality.

That’s interesting. It makes sense. Thank you for validating too, because it’s hard to describe. I wish there was a word for this behavior so I could look up how to handle it.

When it happens to you, is it really upsetting? I get so upset. Because it feels so purposeful in throwing me off, like sabotage, catching me at the worst time, and then the weird game of “I’m just calmly discussing your issue” when it’s very clear to me he’s upset.

I guess it’s him unconsciously wanting me to feel as bad as he does. It feels uncomfortable just thinking about it. He gets really weird is all I can say. And he is unaware of any of it which makes it that much harder to address. And I end up sounding a little crazy just attempting to describe it, because on the surface, he didn’t do anything wrong.

Yes. It feels scary and upsetting. That’s how I know that he’s doing this and it isn’t a normal conversation. Because yes, the words are normal.

I think this article does a pretty good job of describing the behavior. The author is racist and sexist (by 2010 standards…not as bad as 2025 racism), but if you can get past that, there are some pearls of truth in what he has to say.

https://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/09/when_was_the_last_time_you_got.html

Also, you know, you don’t have to stay in this marriage and do all of this. You aren’t his therapist or his social worker. You don’t have to live your life on edge.

OMFG. OP doesn't "live her life on edge". OP goes out and does as she pleases (without communicating) and then flies off the handle at her spouse for making what seems to have been an honest mistake.

If anything, OP's spouse is the one who has to walk on eggshells and live his life on edge. All y'all supporting the troll are part of the problem.

Pp you are responding to. Maybe “walking on eggshells” was too much. I was writing out a couple specific examples of when DH came to me acting “calm” but with an underlying threatening tone and how I handled it to diffuse the situation.
Looking at it, it looked kind of crazy to keep diffusing situations and calling him out all of the time. I’m not sure that I want to advise anyone else to do this. So, I deleted it.

I just wanted to write that OP doesn’t have to stay in this. There are plenty of people who have marriages that aren’t full of drama and are pretty similar to their other relationships.

I mean, sure, OP can leave. Anyone can leave. Some people should. But I don't know that OP leaving solves the problem OP's having. OP seems complicit in her own unhappiness in a few ways that are obvious on this thread (and probably several more that she's not admitting). OP will bring the drama with her if/when she leaves, because she's probably the one starting most of it, and is definitely part of it.

Leaving may solve the problem you're having with a specific person by removing them from your vicinity. If the problem is how you overreact, project, accuse, etc., you'll find that same problem in other relationships, because it's your problem, and you bring it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

His reaction to how YOU handled his mistake?

Um, he didn’t even say he was sorry.

Um, you were wanting a sorry for something he did on accident. Which is fine, I will apologize for things I didn't mean to do when they have an unintended outcome, but if I stepped on someone's toe and before I knew I had done it they got mad at me about it I think I'd have a much different reaction than if I knew I did it and could say I was sorry before they spoke.

You have some anger issues.

I mean, people get mad when you demean them or keep them from doing something that’s important to them. So if you stepped on someone’s toe hard enough that they can’t just keep walking and doing whatever they were doing, then they are going to be mad.
They aren’t trying to belittle you by not letting you apologize first before they get mad. They aren’t terrible people for not “taking a deep breath and calibrating their response.” Just say you are sorry and ask if you can help.

Actually, I don't have anger issues but thanks for your internet diagnoses...

Stepping on someone's toe isn't demeaning someone. Neither is throwing out stock sitting on the stove, by the way.

Maybe you have a hard time distinguishing between feelings and actions. You can FEEL mad that someone stepped on your toe. (Weird, by the way, that you're accusing me of having anger issues when I don't think it would occur to me to be MAD at someone who stepped on my toe on accident). But ACTING mad at someone for doing something like that on accident isn't really acceptable. Of course they should apologize for stepping on your toe because they did it even though it wasn't intentional. And it hurt you, so they should say they're sorry. But the fact that you think it's ok for someone to act mad at someone for stepping on their toe shows me that you're the one who should probably seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem.
Tell us how the marriage is outside of this ?

It’s mostly good. When I get upset about a mistake he made- throwing out something of mine, breaking something of mine, that’s when this behavior comes out, and it’s so distressing to me.

How hard of a time are you giving him about a MISTAKE he made? Of course even if it was a mistake you should apologize to someone if you did something to them but I also wouldn't be too hard on someone who accidentally threw something out. Yes, it's careless, and I have a right to be upset about it, but they didn't do it on purpose...

Great, if this was a one-time mistake, a grown man should have no problem apologizing and vowing to not do that again.

But that ain’t how he handled his mistake, is it?

Now if he has a pattern of repeat “mistakes” or similar behaviors, that’s a different issue.

You're right, he should have no trouble apologizing for what he did. But when his wife came at him like he had done it on purpose, I can see how he was rocked back on his heels. Should he have had a better response? Absolutely. Should she have handled it better when she walked in the door? Absolutely.

I don’t know. I just can’t see it. If he tried to apologize and she wouldn’t accept it, then I can see how he would get upset.
But it seems weird to throw away something someone had been working on or break something belonging to someone else and then not apologize or try to set it right.

I agree that he should have apologized. I don't think he meant to do any harm but he did. Full stop. So he needs to apologize for that.

I was just pointing out that when someone comes at you for something you didn't know you had done wrong, it can throw you off. So I think OP should acknowledge her role in starting what turned into a confrontational situation since she's looking to improve things. If I had done what OP had done I would have said I was sorry for accusing him of throwing out the stock on purpose. That doesn't justify his rude response and gaslighting, at all. But OP asked what she could have done differently and I think she needs to understand that her reaction to people can affect their reactions to her.