Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

Maybe he thought she was boiling the bones for a dog or something. I am not defending him because I think his behavior is atrocious but I it's possible he was trying to help as opposed to trying to be a jerk. I agree if he tossed it knowing OP had been working on it for hours that's almost even worse than how he handled the subsequent exchange. My guess was he thought he was being helpful and then OP was upset with him and then he became an ahole. Again, not defending him, just wondering why he threw it out and I don't think it was to be a jerk, although I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem.
Tell us how the marriage is outside of this ?

It’s mostly good. When I get upset about a mistake he made- throwing out something of mine, breaking something of mine, that’s when this behavior comes out, and it’s so distressing to me.

How hard of a time are you giving him about a MISTAKE he made? Of course even if it was a mistake you should apologize to someone if you did something to them but I also wouldn't be too hard on someone who accidentally threw something out. Yes, it's careless, and I have a right to be upset about it, but they didn't do it on purpose...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

His reaction to how YOU handled his mistake?

[Anonymous]

Given your perseveration on this or navel gazing on this thread, I wonder how much you do of this in real life.

I don't know if you don't do this in real life and are just using this as an outlet to think out loud but if you are expecting a deep emotional and mental autopsy of every little thing, I can see that being exhausting and something I would not want to engage in either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

And now that I’m thinking about it more, the fact that he said “you act like I did this to purposely hurt you” was just so out of left field at the time, because that never even entered my mind. I was hought he did it by mistake. And yes I was still upset that my stock was thrown down the sink.

But now I’m like, did he actually do that on purpose?? Otherwise why would he even say that?

You thought he did it by mistake but you still got mad at him? That's why he said YOU ACT LIKE he did it on purpose.

When a stranger accidentally steps on your toe, do you get mad at them? Or do you chalk it up to a mistake and let it go? Because it doesn't sound like you gave your husband the benefit of the doubt here. If you thought he did it on accident why did you ask him why he did it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

Doesn’t sound like you approached in a great way either. “Why did you throw out my stock” makes it sound like he knew and did it on purpose.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was nice enough to do dishes.

He made a mistake.

You acted like he did it on purpose.

He got defensive.

You got defensive.

Should have…

Did u clean the pot?
Yes.

Omg I made stock for dinner and it was cooling in the broth. (You don’t assume he knows)

Then he should be like holy sh!t, sorry.

Then you can be sad /bummed/etc but move on.

To clarify, he strained the bones and meat out and saved those. Just threw out all the broth. I think he assumes I was just cooking the bones and meat and not intending to keep the stock.

OMG. He thought he was helping and you got mad at him. Even though he did the wrong thing I can see him being tired of you going after him for something he did that he thought was helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

OP, please stop bending over backwards and finding diagnoses and ways to apologize for his abusive behavior. This is what he wants you to do.

I am begging you as someone on the other side of this to quietly start doing the following:

-get the password and login to every account, and I mean down to cable bills and highway tolls and stupid stuff like that
-get the balances to every bank, checking, 401k, etc account you have and start following the closely
-how old are your kids? If you had to leave tomorrow, could you buy a house where they could live or qualify for a mortgage?
-do you have a support network? And by this, I mean if there is a parenting evaluation during a divorce process, are there people in your life who can vouch for you, and what kind of people are in DH’s life?

If you have access to cash of your own and can spare $1500, I would feel better if you could very quietly do 3 consults with 3 different divorce attorneys just to understand your options. It doesn’t commit you to anything. You would be surprised by how much legal advice and clarity you can get in 60 minutes.

Finally, get therapists for you and the kids. This is important not only for mental health, but from a cynical perspective if your DH initiates divorce or if you do, and if there is any challenge about custody or mental health (and he sounds crazy, so he’ll make it high conflict), and established outside record of what’s been going on will really help you.

-been there, sorry you’re there, too

Op here. I sincerely don’t think this is an abusive relationship. We have had many past issues but have come very far.

By way of background, we both had abusive childhoods, so there was a lot of work we needed to do. I got therapy and that helped a lot. We both had verbally and physically abusive fathers, mine was ultra controlling, paranoid, and selfish, his was an uncontrolled rager with impossible standards. I have an emotionally stunted mom who also is very controlling and needed me to be perfect and he had an emotionally ambivalent mom who had a personality disorder who needed them all to be sick. He has siblings that have had serious mental breakdowns. He is definitely the golden child, the only one that didn’t cause any “trouble”. The beginning of our relationship was rocky.

We do have communication issues which have slowly improved.

A lot of what’s been mentioned here- yeah much of that resonates and have even contemplated divorce at our lowest points, but we’ve kinda moved past most of it. 75 percent there.

I have more confidence now. I’ve learned to emotionally regulate so much better. I’ve learned to set boundaries. All things I’ve deeply struggled with for most of my life.

The one thing that was holding me back was my inability to forgive. I held onto resentment from our earlier years in our relationship. But he is a different person today. And I have to believe he still has the capacity to change, just like I can.

The resentment - it was a trap that kept us stuck in the past. I’m trying to move forward.

Op, A lot of posters on here believe that all men are abusive and so they are going to keep going at you until you agree, then they will disappear from the threads. They spend a lot of time trying to twist everything into abuse to fit their own biased narrative. You know yourself, your spouse and your life much better than random posters with an agenda. Talk to a therapist or a trusted person in your life to get a better perspective on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I would also like to know if I need to modify my behavior.

Maybe I should have taken a breather before commenting about the stock and thought about how to approach it more gingerly and without placing blame?

Honestly that would be hard for me, but if that’s what’s necessary, I can work on it.

Why would it be hard for you to take a breather before getting made at someone?

And why is he to blame here? For making a mistake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thinking about this more, his reaction is similar to my son’s reaction when he makes a mistake. And that helps me have a little bit more compassion.

When my son accidentally breaks something or hurts me or whatever, he automatically starts blaming me and yelling at me saying it was my fault, even when I don’t even say anything.

I guess it is sort of a defensive reaction.

And what do you do about your son's behavior? Because it's no ok. He should be in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rereading what I just wrote, I think the answer is to try to detach somewhat in these scenarios and just observe and take note. As if I was watching another couple.

In the moment, there are way too many emotions I’m feeling.

Also realizing I didn’t really convey what is freaky about his approach. It is just something about his tone. His very controlled manner. While feeling with every fiber of my being his seething anger.

So he's mad but trying to control himself and you fly off the handle and give your unfiltered opinion at all times. I wonder what the issue in your marriage is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had you left the stove on with the pot still simmering on it but not told him OR

Did he come downstairs to a pot that was not on the stove and full of a murky, dirty looking liquid?

Was he cleaning up the kitchen?

I know everyone thinks that every husband is an abuser and psychobabble gets thrown around - and you have written this in a way that ensures that happens. Would he write it the same way? Without being a fly on the wall, I take all these my husband is the worst human on the planet and I am an absolute saint who never does anything wrong but he treats me like he is Satan himself posts with a gran of salt.

When men complain about abusive wives, the responses are always that only abusers complain about being abused and that the one saying they are abused is the abuser and is responsible.

It was on the stove cooling after I had just turned it ofd. I believe he honestly did not know I was making stock and so he dumped it out. That is frustrating but easy to forgive. The part I found infuriating was his reaction.

His reaction to how YOU handled his mistake?

Um, he didn’t even say he was sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was nice enough to do dishes.

He made a mistake.

You acted like he did it on purpose.

He got defensive.

You got defensive.

Should have…

Did u clean the pot?
Yes.

Omg I made stock for dinner and it was cooling in the broth. (You don’t assume he knows)

Then he should be like holy sh!t, sorry.

Then you can be sad /bummed/etc but move on.

To clarify, he strained the bones and meat out and saved those. Just threw out all the broth. I think he assumes I was just cooking the bones and meat and not intending to keep the stock.

OMG. He thought he was helping and you got mad at him. Even though he did the wrong thing I can see him being tired of you going after him for something he did that he thought was helpful.

You shouldn’t “help” by doing random things that no one’s asked of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

Maybe he thought she was boiling the bones for a dog or something. I am not defending him because I think his behavior is atrocious but I it's possible he was trying to help as opposed to trying to be a jerk. I agree if he tossed it knowing OP had been working on it for hours that's almost even worse than how he handled the subsequent exchange. My guess was he thought he was being helpful and then OP was upset with him and then he became an ahole. Again, not defending him, just wondering why he threw it out and I don't think it was to be a jerk, although I could be wrong.

But wouldn’t you ask first? This feels deliberately malicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a husband problem.
Tell us how the marriage is outside of this ?

It’s mostly good. When I get upset about a mistake he made- throwing out something of mine, breaking something of mine, that’s when this behavior comes out, and it’s so distressing to me.

How hard of a time are you giving him about a MISTAKE he made? Of course even if it was a mistake you should apologize to someone if you did something to them but I also wouldn't be too hard on someone who accidentally threw something out. Yes, it's careless, and I have a right to be upset about it, but they didn't do it on purpose...

Great, if this was a one-time mistake, a grown man should have no problem apologizing and vowing to not do that again.

But that ain’t how he handled his mistake, is it?

Now if he has a pattern of repeat “mistakes” or similar behaviors, that’s a different issue.