Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

My ex husband was exactly this way. OP if this is recurrent behavior you should get out asap. I stayed because of the kids but living in this - if it’s systemic and common- will actually make you feel insane. It’s insidious and I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

He's being a jerk. Should have just apologized. But he's not gaslighting. I don't think the PPs know what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he is gaslighting you but you are a martyr.

How so?

your description is quite dramatic. I am NOT saying he is right, but was it hours of work or was it getting up early and getting it on the stove? Which is a big deal, but was it hours of work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

This x 1,000,000.
He is gaslighting because he is trying to make you think that your behavior and outlook are the problem, not his behavior and how he is responding to the situation.

He f-ed up, realized he f-ed up, decided the best defense was an offense, and now here you are. OP, does he usually have trouble apologizing?

Why would he think there’s suddenly a random pot of broth on the stove? Why wouldn’t he text you to ask what it was?

I’m sure he’s telling himself that he was just trying to help and this is the thanks he gets, and no matter what he does you don’t appreciate him or his efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he is gaslighting you but you are a martyr.

How so?

your description is quite dramatic. I am NOT saying he is right, but was it hours of work or was it getting up early and getting it on the stove? Which is a big deal, but was it hours of work?

OP said that after putting it all together, it was 3 hours of boiling/simmering. So yes, it took hours to make the stock.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

A few things are happening here: One, you are downplaying your reaction so as not to give readers support for your spouse's position. Two, your spouse is immature af and a poor communicator, who could've texted to ask but decided to dump food. Three, you also suck at communicating, and could've just as easily told your family what you were doing, that it mattered to you, not to dump it, etc. Four, you both suck at conflict, get defensive, start blaming, and work to win, not work to solve the problem(s) together.

Five, you brought your messy circus nonsense to DCUM looking for "support" instead of figuring this out like an adult and working on your part of it (and you absolutely have a part in it). You want to hear how bad HE is, and you will, but he's not the part you control.

Stop the villain/victim framing and really own your part. If he still acts like a clown instead of owning his, well, that's informative. Maybe y'all need to work on that. Maybe he's not worth working with. But you have to look at what you did, and the way you wrote this is manipulative as hell, which strongly suggests you're not even trying to own your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

OP, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but there are at least 10 responses in this thread from people telling you he is a jerk or gaslighting you. Why are you still wondering if you did anything wrong? Is there more to the story, or some other relevant information you haven't shared?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

This x 1,000,000.
He is gaslighting because he is trying to make you think that your behavior and outlook are the problem, not his behavior and how he is responding to the situation.

He f-ed up, realized he f-ed up, decided the best defense was an offense, and now here you are. OP, does he usually have trouble apologizing?

Why would he think there’s suddenly a random pot of broth on the stove? Why wouldn’t he text you to ask what it was?

I’m sure he’s telling himself that he was just trying to help and this is the thanks he gets, and no matter what he does you don’t appreciate him or his efforts.

Not op, but I'm afraid we are married to the same man. We had practically this same interaction this morning over something different, but eerie similarities that have me questioning what I did wrong. It's becoming really common.

He can't apologize for anything without making it a defense. "I'm sorry BUT you did xyz, how should I know?" And then he wonders why I'm still upset later on and if I say my feelings are hurt because he yelled or was snappy and I was hoping for an apology he gets so huffy that he did apologize and now can't do anything right in my eyes.

I'm sorry, op, it's an awful place to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

OP, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but there are at least 10 responses in this thread from people telling you he is a jerk or gaslighting you. Why are you still wondering if you did anything wrong? Is there more to the story, or some other relevant information you haven't shared?

Because it's the victim mentality. Her husband is a jerk but OP is playing the victim who wants validation so well. It usually makes me question their side of the story when they start acting like this.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem.
Tell us how the marriage is outside of this ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

A few things are happening here: One, you are downplaying your reaction so as not to give readers support for your spouse's position. Two, your spouse is immature af and a poor communicator, who could've texted to ask but decided to dump food. Three, you also suck at communicating, and could've just as easily told your family what you were doing, that it mattered to you, not to dump it, etc. Four, you both suck at conflict, get defensive, start blaming, and work to win, not work to solve the problem(s) together.

Five, you brought your messy circus nonsense to DCUM looking for "support" instead of figuring this out like an adult and working on your part of it (and you absolutely have a part in it). You want to hear how bad HE is, and you will, but he's not the part you control.

Stop the villain/victim framing and really own your part. If he still acts like a clown instead of owning his, well, that's informative. Maybe y'all need to work on that. Maybe he's not worth working with. But you have to look at what you did, and the way you wrote this is manipulative as hell, which strongly suggests you're not even trying to own your part.

I came here because after every one of these kinds of exchanges, I feel like I don’t have a grip on reality and I need a third party to bring me back down to earth. I just want to tease out what’s really happening.

I do very much wish I could record the exchange to play it back when I am calm so I can objectively judge. But in the moment, I feel very distressed by his words and his reaction.

How can I have communicated better?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what OP should have communicated to her husband here.

If I had a pot of stock on the stove, I might tell DH before I run out that I have something on the stove, I might not, depending on how long the errand takes. He probably would have been in the kitchen with me at some point and I would have told him about it.

But I would never expect that an adult man would just throw out a pot of food on the stove without asking what I'm doing. That behavior makes no sense, unless her DH either A. hates the soup she is making and is malicious enough to throw it out instead of telling her not to make it, B. is a psychopath trying to upset her and make her feel crazy.

There has to be more to this story.

[Anonymous]

OP seems.... exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I just want to know, was there something wrong with the way I reacted? Am I in the wrong in any way? Do I have some accountability in this interaction?

I feel like I had a normal reaction given the mistake.

Was I supposed to react differently?

I said you both had bad communication. I live with a house full of people who don’t read my mind- so there is no way I would have left a kitchen project without telling them what it was and not to touch it. When someone ruins a kitchen project, even unintentionally, they should say sorry. But if I believe it was unintentional, I wouldn’t keep doubling down looking for a fight.