Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I woke up early to start working on a stock to make a family soup recipe. I bought the bones last night. Started cooking them today in a huge pot. I use a specific method for the stock, which is a bit time intensive, but it makes for a good, clean and milky delicious broth, with meat that falls off the bone. It was pretty much finished, after about 3 hours total of boiling/simmering.

I had to run out for an errand, and when I returned, I was shocked to see that my husband had thrown out the entire pot of stock. Hours of work out the window. I gasped and said “why did you throw out my stock?!”

He basically rolled his eyes and said I was overreacting and said my reaction was completely inappropriate. That I was acting like he killed somebody. Which made me even more upset. He said I was the one who left it unattended, and how was he was he to know that he wasn’t supposed to throw it out.

I said I was mad because I’d been working on it all morning and then for him to throw it out and then turn it around and blame me for it was really what made it a lot worse.

He said I was acting as if he did it to intentionally hurt or harm me, and that he didn’t want to argue about it, and that he’d talk to me about my communication issues when I was able to be rational and calm about it.

Everything he was saying was making me feel crazy. I feel destabilized. Why am I the villain in this?

What is happening here?

Oh the other thing he said when I said he was turning around on me was, “oh ok, so I’m not allowed to have any emotions about it. Got it”

I don’t even know what he’s talking about. That seems like what I should be saying to HIM! I’m so puzzled and confused and feel like I’m going nuts and in bizarro world.

[Anonymous]

Both of you have terrible communication. What would you like from us?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

[Anonymous]

I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

[Anonymous]

He could have texted you "what's on the stove? should I throw it out?"
So I think the communication issue is on him.

By the way, he sounds like a jerk for putting you down because he threw out several hours of your labor. Couldn't he just say, "oh, no, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had a plan for the pot's contents"?

His defense mechanism is to negate you. Seeing your spouse as a competitor in who is right is bad for a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk, and he's definitely gaslighting you.

[Anonymous]

he is gaslighting you but you are a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

+1.
Ask him “why are you being mean and defensive, instead of just saying you’re sorry?”
And then sit quietly and wait for a reply.

It’s probably not, but my DH started acting like this when he was having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:he is gaslighting you but you are a martyr.

How so?

[Anonymous]

Advice appreciated on how to bring up this issue in a mature way.

This crap keeps happening, and I. Front of our kids. And everytime, I’m just so flabbergasted and he gets me furious that I can’t even respond clearly and appropriately about the tactics he is using that is so upsetting to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

+1. I was in a relationship with a person like this. You aren’t allowed to get mad when they do a jerk move. If you do, you're the bad guy.

I used to make stock with my husband, and he knew how precious the final product was because it took hours of simmering and skimming. Even if your partner doesn’t realize, they should have felt bad and recognized your hard work.
Sorry, he’s a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

+1.
Ask him “why are you being mean and defensive, instead of just saying you’re sorry?”
And then sit quietly and wait for a reply.

It’s probably not, but my DH started acting like this when he was having an affair.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

You are in an abusive relationship. You should get therapy for yourself before you start questioning your perception of reality.