PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

My mom and sister stole inhertance from me and lied upon my father's death. Neither has talked to me in a year so nope, not inviting my mom. Not everyone has loving and kind parents/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question- my in laws have 4 children, three of whom have wives and children of their own. We are the only ones in easy driving distance (about 3 hours), the others are a plane ride away. My in laws want to spend every holiday with us because they don’t like to fly. They’re 60ish and healthy and retired and rich- so all the usual excuses are not there, they just don’t like to. It makes them anxious. Which is of course their choice.
But every single thanksgiving and Christmas they assume they are coming to our house. Sometimes my family comes too. Occasionally we will say we are traveling to see my sibling for thanksgiving and they will be gracious about it but they will then spend thanksgiving alone.
I’m truly just tired of them coming to stay for 3 days and nights every Christmas. I want to have a holiday where I’m not tripping over them. They perch in the living room and I have nowhere to sit and relax. When they aren’t there, they are standing in the middle of the kitchen being generally in the way as I try to cook Christmas dinner. They bring a million presents for my kids that aren’t things they would want or play with because they don’t ask what their interests are, and it clutters the house and they are visibly annoyed when my kids don’t focus enough on the gifts they brought. Basically, they’re harmless, just annoying AF to have in the house for so long and it’s EVERY CHRISTMAS. Can someone draft a message for me to make clear that next year, we are going to spend Christmas just as a nuclear unit? With my own parents coming over for dinner? They aren’t cruel or abusive I just don’t want every single Christmas for the rest of my life to involve hosting them for half the week! My husband doesn’t care one way or another and says it’s up to me.

Your husband is a jerk.

Just tell them you want to have a Christmas alone at home and they can plan another time to come. It's not your responsibility if they spend the holiday alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question- my in laws have 4 children, three of whom have wives and children of their own. We are the only ones in easy driving distance (about 3 hours), the others are a plane ride away. My in laws want to spend every holiday with us because they don’t like to fly. They’re 60ish and healthy and retired and rich- so all the usual excuses are not there, they just don’t like to. It makes them anxious. Which is of course their choice.
But every single thanksgiving and Christmas they assume they are coming to our house. Sometimes my family comes too. Occasionally we will say we are traveling to see my sibling for thanksgiving and they will be gracious about it but they will then spend thanksgiving alone.
I’m truly just tired of them coming to stay for 3 days and nights every Christmas. I want to have a holiday where I’m not tripping over them. They perch in the living room and I have nowhere to sit and relax. When they aren’t there, they are standing in the middle of the kitchen being generally in the way as I try to cook Christmas dinner. They bring a million presents for my kids that aren’t things they would want or play with because they don’t ask what their interests are, and it clutters the house and they are visibly annoyed when my kids don’t focus enough on the gifts they brought. Basically, they’re harmless, just annoying AF to have in the house for so long and it’s EVERY CHRISTMAS. Can someone draft a message for me to make clear that next year, we are going to spend Christmas just as a nuclear unit? With my own parents coming over for dinner? They aren’t cruel or abusive I just don’t want every single Christmas for the rest of my life to involve hosting them for half the week! My husband doesn’t care one way or another and says it’s up to me.

I would have some sort of work that needs to be done on the guest room or something of that nature so your spouse can say “Mom, it isn’t going to work for you to stay at our house this Christmas. You’re welcome for Christmas dinner of course, if you want to drive down and get a hotel.” And then they may opt not to.
Also, do they never fly or it’s just stressful at the holidays? Your spouse should push one of his siblings to offer to fly them out a week in advance when travel is less stressful.

No because then they have to come up with an excuse every single year. And lying is never a good look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

Sure. When my parents or my husbands parents say they want to fly in for Christmas from the west coast I’ll say “we would love to have you for Christmas brunch! You’re welcome anytime after 9am and by mid afternoon we will be heading to see Moana 2 so we’ll have to wrap things up by then”. And if they ask if they can stay the night or if they need to fly in and fly out on the same day, or find accommodations for the night and fly out the next day, I’ll say “the invitation is for Christmas brunch.”

+1 lol. OP is out of touch. Many extended
families are spread out these days. Jobs left some urban areas in the Midwest in the 70s through the 90s and never returned. Kids went to college, got a job in a big city, and didn’t settle down in the same areas as their parents. “Invite them over for a few hours on Christmas Day!!!” Doesn’t work for a lot of us.

+1, both DH and I are from rural small towns and staying in those towns was never really an option unless we wanted to be a school teacher or a waiter (and even with those jobs, there's no guarantee we would have gotten jobs there). We live in the DC area largely for work. For a time we always went back to one of our parents' houses for Christmas, but now with our own kids and the high cost of travel and the stress of traveling this time of year, we don't. And while I love my parents, this is really NOT the time of year I want to host them -- we have so many obligations this time of year with school stuff and work stuff and by the time Christmas rolls around we just want to relax and do nothing. I don't want to have to plan meals with their needs in mind or work our schedule around them or come up with ways to entertain my dad who gets antsy if there aren't events planned and will take it out on people by domineering the TV to watch car racing 24/7 if he is bored.

Happy to host them at other times. Happy to visit them at other times. This is just the reality of Christmas for us -- it is not a good time to get together. It more expensive and less enjoyable.

So do you say that? Or do you end up hosting at Christmas even though you hate it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

where exactly was that written? sounds like you are projecting like crazy. Or perhaps just the latter.

That is what the entire thread is about. The OP criticizes anyone that doesn’t invite their elderly parents to spend Christmas with them. For many, they would rather spend it at home with their own kids. The PP didn’t want the practice of people spending Christmas only with nuclear family to become normalized because it would mean they would have to spend Christmas alone when their kids grow up and they don’t like that idea.

As a kid the best part of Christmas was getting together with the extended family and having a big party. Christmas Day with just my parents was always a bit anticlimactic and boring. I think you overestimate how much time your kids want to spend with you.

Maybe because you had a fun extended family. My nuclear family always spent Christmas Day at home together and it was so nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious. We have all read about the significant number of GenX kids cutting off their parents. I read an NYT article recently and to me, the person who wrote that book is conducting malpractice. In the case of actual abuse, I am sorry, but it seems like the younger generations never learned grace or to accept that their parents were humans and imperfect. I still have young ones, and love spending time with my parents--yes, even my conservative, annoying mother, so haven't had kids go no-contact yet. But the way things are going, it will probably happen some day. It's so sad to me.

It’s so so sad to me too. My parents were not perfect. They were healing their own trauma. They escaped into alcoholism and other terrible things. We suffered our own trauma and we healed and we learned and grew. I am so happy that I have a great relationship with both of them and love them and nurture my love for them. I called my elderly mom every night and tell her how much I love her. I visit her on vacations and I bring her my children, which is the best thing I can possibly do and she nurtures and love them in the way she did with me when she was able to. I would never cut her off and leave her alone in the world to die elderly and sick. I love her. I love my in-laws and my dad and I love and honor my family and all the ways I can. That nurtured my love with my children and teaches them what family is all about.

Ok, so I should expose my young children to my FIL who is verbally abusive? I should just tell them they this is part of childhood trauma and it happens to everyone and they'll learn and grow? My husband is still in therapy dealing with the abuse he suffered as a kid. We would have to be insane to voluntarily subject our children to the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. I’m the caregiving kid who spends every day cleaning up after him, while my siblings do nothing for him. I can take one day off to be with my kids at home.

I call bs. Nothing about your post suggests that you give a care about anyone. Good try, but the voices in your head aren’t telling you reality.

If you were really as caregiving as you proclaim, you would take another day off and try to spend Christmas with them (or select another way to celebrate.)

Yes, I did come off annoyed.
For someone with dementia, he doesn’t know it’s a holiday and is happy with a sub for the day. As I’m the main caregiver, I think it’s healthy to have a day off now and then. I work weekdays and weekdays to care for him. I celebrate with him the day after.
You do you. I’ll do me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I alternate holidays with my parents and in laws, but I do also talk to them regularly. You know why? They're nice people who make the time I spend traveling a pleasant experience.

So if your kids are shutting you out in Christmas, well, there were 365 other days to this year, let's look at how the relationship was on those days.

No, it’s absolutely not always the parents’ fault.

I didn't actually say that, I said to focus on the relationship the other days of the year, but this being the response is really telling.

It’s really not. I have good relationships and will spend my Christmas with both my parents and my in laws. I just don’t like the assumptions that if your kids shut you out, it’s automatically your fault based on parenting and I’ve seen that argued on this board before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This is the work the Boomers don't want to do. Why should they have to adjust their needs ever?

The healthy Boomers in my life are ok with spending Christmas morning alone. The unhealthy ones are still alone, they are just not ok with it. Guess whose happier?

Yes, this reminds me of Mother's Day threads. Boomers, who spent Mother's Days getting all the attention still want all the attention now that their kids are married and have families of their own. It's still all about them. Who cares about their daughters or DILs. Now Christmas is also all about them. Who cares about the little kids or what they want or how uncomfortable it is for them to travel, or how uncomfortable it is for the adult kids to pack up all their family, or to have to host at every holiday. Seriously, in old times once you got married, you went and built your own life and rarely saw your parents, and nobody expected you to, unless you took over the family farm and were basically there. Now every other thread is about how adult children have to circle around their elderly parents, why don't they host, visit and call every week, as if the Boomers are the center of the universe.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure my mom casts me as a villain when she tells people that we do not invite her for Christmas. What she probably doesn’t mention is that we hosted her for years until I had a child, and when I held my baby in my arms for those first weeks I was devastated. I suddenly realized that my mom’s insistence that she was the best mother on earth and no one would love me because only she could tolerate me was not true.

Holding my baby and imagining doing the things to her that my mom did to me made me see that my mom’s love was not what she told me it was and that she had physically and verbally abused me for years as a child and verbally abused me as an adult. I literally couldn’t grasp it until I had a child of my own- I thought it was normal family life because I was told it was.

So when my mom is at her class at the senior center and tells you that her daughter is mean to her for no reason, consider that the reason is that my mom beat me with her hands and fists and a yardstick from the time I was tiny, and would grab my shoulders and shake my whole body while screaming at me. And then she would tell me to get cleaned up for church and slap me if I let out a snuffle or tear while we walked out to the car.

My mom dresses nicely and drives a Volkswagen and gets healthy food at Whole Foods. You would never assume that she is not telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There said it. It is a few hours, stop trying to justify being a jerk. We all hate our in-laws and even some of our families, but you model being a decent person once a year.

I have seen lots of good points especially the point about xmas not being a few hours, but days or a week if you host out of town guests. Trust me, if it were just a few hours, most of the family holiday angst content on this forum would dry up.

And not all in-laws get along. We could never have both sets of grandparents here because of them, not us. That has nothing to so with me- they can't be together, they are all out of town, and I can't wave a magic wand and make 2 Christmases in the calendar year. Your post is dumb OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure my mom casts me as a villain when she tells people that we do not invite her for Christmas. What she probably doesn’t mention is that we hosted her for years until I had a child, and when I held my baby in my arms for those first weeks I was devastated. I suddenly realized that my mom’s insistence that she was the best mother on earth and no one would love me because only she could tolerate me was not true.

Holding my baby and imagining doing the things to her that my mom did to me made me see that my mom’s love was not what she told me it was and that she had physically and verbally abused me for years as a child and verbally abused me as an adult. I literally couldn’t grasp it until I had a child of my own- I thought it was normal family life because I was told it was.

So when my mom is at her class at the senior center and tells you that her daughter is mean to her for no reason, consider that the reason is that my mom beat me with her hands and fists and a yardstick from the time I was tiny, and would grab my shoulders and shake my whole body while screaming at me. And then she would tell me to get cleaned up for church and slap me if I let out a snuffle or tear while we walked out to the car.

My mom dresses nicely and drives a Volkswagen and gets healthy food at Whole Foods. You would never assume that she is not telling the truth.

PP, I know exactly how you feel. I am so sorry. It wasn’t until I had my own beautiful children that I realized how awful it was and how much I didn’t deserve any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure my mom casts me as a villain when she tells people that we do not invite her for Christmas. What she probably doesn’t mention is that we hosted her for years until I had a child, and when I held my baby in my arms for those first weeks I was devastated. I suddenly realized that my mom’s insistence that she was the best mother on earth and no one would love me because only she could tolerate me was not true.

Holding my baby and imagining doing the things to her that my mom did to me made me see that my mom’s love was not what she told me it was and that she had physically and verbally abused me for years as a child and verbally abused me as an adult. I literally couldn’t grasp it until I had a child of my own- I thought it was normal family life because I was told it was.

So when my mom is at her class at the senior center and tells you that her daughter is mean to her for no reason, consider that the reason is that my mom beat me with her hands and fists and a yardstick from the time I was tiny, and would grab my shoulders and shake my whole body while screaming at me. And then she would tell me to get cleaned up for church and slap me if I let out a snuffle or tear while we walked out to the car.

My mom dresses nicely and drives a Volkswagen and gets healthy food at Whole Foods. You would never assume that she is not telling the truth.

I hate that she did that to you Good for you for breaking that cycle of abuse. You do NOT have to invite her to Christmas, it doesn’t matter what other people think, you know what’s best for you and your family. Sending a hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

But what you are describing was not normal a couple of decades ago. And is still not normal for many families. It’s a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

But what you are describing was not normal a couple of decades ago. And is still not normal for many families. It’s a choice.

Yes, it was my mother’s choice to never seek therapy, set boundaries and distance herself from her physically and emotionally abusive father. It was her choice to allow him to be abusive to me and my siblings, and to say hateful things including racist, homophobic and misogynistic remarks in her home, in front of her children. It was her choice to kowtow to him and to use her children as pawns to try to win his love and curry his favor. It was her choice to continue the cycle of abuse by physically and emotionally abusing me and my siblings.

And it is my choice not to do or allow any of that, and to keep her at a distance. It was my choice to stop the cycle. It is my choice not to allow her to ever be alone with my children. That’s my choice.