PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

But what you are describing was not normal a couple of decades ago. And is still not normal for many families. It’s a choice.

Yes, it was my mother’s choice to never seek therapy, set boundaries and distance herself from her physically and emotionally abusive father. It was her choice to allow him to be abusive to me and my siblings, and to say hateful things including racist, homophobic and misogynistic remarks in her home, in front of her children. It was her choice to kowtow to him and to use her children as pawns to try to win his love and curry his favor. It was her choice to continue the cycle of abuse by physically and emotionally abusing me and my siblings.

And it is my choice not to do or allow any of that, and to keep her at a distance. It was my choice to stop the cycle. It is my choice not to allow her to ever be alone with my children. That’s my choice.

I don’t think any of us disagree that you made a choice.

It’s not the default that a nuclear family dissolves as PP put it.

[Anonymous]

It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

Plus a million, it’s so tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

But what you are describing was not normal a couple of decades ago. And is still not normal for many families. It’s a choice.

Yes, it was my mother’s choice to never seek therapy, set boundaries and distance herself from her physically and emotionally abusive father. It was her choice to allow him to be abusive to me and my siblings, and to say hateful things including racist, homophobic and misogynistic remarks in her home, in front of her children. It was her choice to kowtow to him and to use her children as pawns to try to win his love and curry his favor. It was her choice to continue the cycle of abuse by physically and emotionally abusing me and my siblings.

And it is my choice not to do or allow any of that, and to keep her at a distance. It was my choice to stop the cycle. It is my choice not to allow her to ever be alone with my children. That’s my choice.

I don’t think any of us disagree that you made a choice.

It’s not the default that a nuclear family dissolves as PP put it.

+1. Many of us still see our parents and in-laws on a regular basis. My husband is even still very close with several of his first cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

where exactly was that written? sounds like you are projecting like crazy. Or perhaps just the latter.

That is what the entire thread is about. The OP criticizes anyone that doesn’t invite their elderly parents to spend Christmas with them. For many, they would rather spend it at home with their own kids. The PP didn’t want the practice of people spending Christmas only with nuclear family to become normalized because it would mean they would have to spend Christmas alone when their kids grow up and they don’t like that idea.

As a kid the best part of Christmas was getting together with the extended family and having a big party. Christmas Day with just my parents was always a bit anticlimactic and boring. I think you overestimate how much time your kids want to spend with you.

Maybe because you had a fun extended family. My nuclear family always spent Christmas Day at home together and it was so nice.

I look back on my Christmases with my fun extended family with nostalgia that is physically painful. It kills me that my kids can't have that! The siblings and cousins have grown up and are either child-free types or overseas. My two kids' holidays consist of eating at a pin-drop quiet table and being shushed by a bunch of adults (unless we are making the arduous and $$$$ trip abroad.) May as well stay at our house and play board games and get cozy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

We have to get used to the fact that a nuclear family indeed dissolves. You cannot force yourself on your kids' nuclear families. You may need to find other things to do, the same as some do Friendsgiving etc. Christmas is for kids and everybody else should be mature enough to have a more holistic approach. Spending it alone is a time to reflect and there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of people spend holidays alone.

This is the work the Boomers don't want to do. Why should they have to adjust their needs ever?

The healthy Boomers in my life are ok with spending Christmas morning alone. The unhealthy ones are still alone, they are just not ok with it. Guess whose happier?

Yes, this reminds me of Mother's Day threads. Boomers, who spent Mother's Days getting all the attention still want all the attention now that their kids are married and have families of their own. It's still all about them. Who cares about their daughters or DILs. Now Christmas is also all about them. Who cares about the little kids or what they want or how uncomfortable it is for them to travel, or how uncomfortable it is for the adult kids to pack up all their family, or to have to host at every holiday. Seriously, in old times once you got married, you went and built your own life and rarely saw your parents, and nobody expected you to, unless you took over the family farm and were basically there. Now every other thread is about how adult children have to circle around their elderly parents, why don't they host, visit and call every week, as if the Boomers are the center of the universe.

I’m also pretty sure it’s mostly boomers who complain about small children and babies being on airplanes. “No small child or baby needs to be on an airplane!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

Many of us do not want many things. I don’t want to host my child’s birthday party. I don’t want to go to work in the morning. But we make the best of things.

I would never insist just because I want to be with my grandkids that my tired, overworked children need to add one more thing to their to do list. In fact, I don’t want to be one more thing on a to do list. I want the people around me to k like they’re getting a break from the world when they see me.

Make your own traditions: take the grandkids on a special overnight trip in the summer 1:1. Or go on an annual cruise at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I would invite my mom if it was just her. But it's her and my dad and my dad is a PITA. He won't participate in any holiday activities (won't play games with the family in the evening, or watch Christmas movies with us, or go look at lights, or go to church, or help cook or bake cookies -- nothing). He will want to stay in and watch TV, usually cable news. But if we go out without him he will complain about being left alone and say stuff like "I guess no one wants to hang out with me" or "That's fine, I guess these kids don't appreciate their granddad."

When we eat meals together as a family, he won't try to engage my kids at all but he will domineer the conversation by ranting about politics. The kids will get irritated at being bored and ignored and want to leave the table early. This is not a huge deal during a non-holiday visit -- we just let them go and then sit and humor my dad while they play. But on Christmas I want to have a nice meal with my family.

If you don't have family members like this, who are totally lacking in self-awareness, suck all the air out of every room they are in, make no effort with the kids, refuse to participate but also don't want anyone having fun without them, then you don't understand. I'm happy to visit my parents at other times of the year or to host them. I don't want my kids' memories of Christmas to be their grandfather shouting about Trump and Biden and watching CNN while the rest of us open gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you need to read this article. Also, newsflash, not everyone lives near family. It’s not always an option to only spend a “few hours” with them on Christmas. It may involve expensive travel, hotels, rental cars, PTO, cranky children, and lots of other stressors.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/12/10/christmas-alone-joy-solitude-holidays/

lol I just read it and Liz Ivy’s Christmas sounds dreadful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

Many of us do not want many things. I don’t want to host my child’s birthday party. I don’t want to go to work in the morning. But we make the best of things.

I would never insist just because I want to be with my grandkids that my tired, overworked children need to add one more thing to their to do list. In fact, I don’t want to be one more thing on a to do list. I want the people around me to k like they’re getting a break from the world when they see me.

Make your own traditions: take the grandkids on a special overnight trip in the summer 1:1. Or go on an annual cruise at Christmas.

This whole thread isn’t about the grandparents insisting, it’s about opening up as the parent to inclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would invite my mom if it was just her. But it's her and my dad and my dad is a PITA. He won't participate in any holiday activities (won't play games with the family in the evening, or watch Christmas movies with us, or go look at lights, or go to church, or help cook or bake cookies -- nothing). He will want to stay in and watch TV, usually cable news. But if we go out without him he will complain about being left alone and say stuff like "I guess no one wants to hang out with me" or "That's fine, I guess these kids don't appreciate their granddad."

When we eat meals together as a family, he won't try to engage my kids at all but he will domineer the conversation by ranting about politics. The kids will get irritated at being bored and ignored and want to leave the table early. This is not a huge deal during a non-holiday visit -- we just let them go and then sit and humor my dad while they play. But on Christmas I want to have a nice meal with my family.

If you don't have family members like this, who are totally lacking in self-awareness, suck all the air out of every room they are in, make no effort with the kids, refuse to participate but also don't want anyone having fun without them, then you don't understand. I'm happy to visit my parents at other times of the year or to host them. I don't want my kids' memories of Christmas to be their grandfather shouting about Trump and Biden and watching CNN while the rest of us open gifts.

Yeah I would never not invite my own dad to Christmas because of this. It’s just so minor. Ok, he doesn’t want to bake cookies. Who cares? In the long run it’s one meal and a holiday. I would do the opposite, host less during the year but include him on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There said it. It is a few hours, stop trying to justify being a jerk. We all hate our in-laws and even some of our families, but you model being a decent person once a year.

If you had behaved in a manner that made your kids actually want to see you then you wouldn’t have to be here whining.

I agree with this. And I am not someone who excludes grandparents on holidays at all, despite not really liking either set. Both sets are constantly trying to tell DH and me (late 40's) what to do on every little thing like we are teenagers. One set is also racist and homophobic (though they would deny this strenuously) and I cannot tolerate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

Because every post is about you? LOL. Is your name Jeff? Otherwise, STFU and stop trying to police this thread. We’ll talk about what we damn well please.