PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

Adult kids who don’t want to spend the holiday with their parents are more an indictment of their parents then themselves.

Parents who think their kids should be obligated instead of working to have a relationship where their kids *want* them, again, say more about themselves than their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

Wow. What kind of a message are you sending to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

Don't be surprised when your kids complain to everyone about how much they hate spending the holidays with you because they can't stand you but they do it because other otherwise you'll make their lives miserable. That is the behavior you modeled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

PP you replied to. Posters are taking issue with the insult in the titled. If you are OP, then you need to stop doing that if you seek a polite debate. If we simply disagree on which day to see our parents (note that I referred to my mother, who is skeletally thin and believes anyone who is not is de facto fat and stupid), then we can courteously stop the discussion there and each visit on our preferred days.

OP started the fight by being horribly rude, no doubt on purpose to get a rise out of people.

PP here and I get the point and agree it was rude of OP to call people jerks. I still think parents and in laws should be invited outside of abuse or other unusual circumstance.

Growing up my husband had to go to his dad's parents' house for the morning of Christmas to open presents and hated that they had to pack everything in the car and drive it over and then open everything on his grandparents' timeline and couldn't actually put together anything or play with some of it because they couldn't set it up at someone else's house. Then he had to go to his mom's parents' house for the afternoon/evening of Christmas, so they would have to load everything back in the car and then sit for a very long and formal dinner. Finally he'd get home at the end of the day and actually get to enjoy his presents.

Growing up my parents made Christmas about our family of four. We always went to a church service followed by a huge party with tons of friends on Christmas Eve and then had a great two-part breakfast (scones and coffee/hot chocolate during presents and then eggs, toast, and sausage later) followed by an early dinner (steak, potatoes, green beans). We didn't leave the house and could stay in our pajamas all day if we wanted and had plenty of time to enjoy our presents. We would see our grandparents at other times over break when we weren't focused on our presents.

When we had our first Christmas while dating my husband said one of the main things he'd change with his own family was having a Christmas that he and his wife and kids actually enjoyed. And so we do. Our kids love Christmas and always have and we will respect whatever they want to do when they're older and out of the house. I would rather enjoy my time with my kids than do something because OP says I have to and be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really looking forward to when my kids are independent and traveling or staying home with their own families for Christmas. I am so tired of being the Thanksgiving hostess and the damn Christmas elf. For 20 years, I have hung every ornament and Christmas light, wrapped every present often including my own, bought and cooked every Christmas treat, and I am really OK to be done at some point. I probably have another 5 or more likely 10 years left on my elf sentence.

When I finally get sprung, I’m looking forward to going to Europe to enjoy the Christmas markets and then having a quiet Christmas at home with DH and our dogs.

And your husband does...what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

Wow. What kind of a message are you sending to your kids?

That Christmas is about family. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

Don't be surprised when your kids complain to everyone about how much they hate spending the holidays with you because they can't stand you but they do it because other otherwise you'll make their lives miserable. That is the behavior you modeled.

What are you even talking about? Why would kids hate their parents because those parents invited them grandparents to celebrate Christmas each year? That makes zero sense. The behavior modeled would be to include their parents like they saw their elderly grandparents included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

PP you replied to. Posters are taking issue with the insult in the titled. If you are OP, then you need to stop doing that if you seek a polite debate. If we simply disagree on which day to see our parents (note that I referred to my mother, who is skeletally thin and believes anyone who is not is de facto fat and stupid), then we can courteously stop the discussion there and each visit on our preferred days.

OP started the fight by being horribly rude, no doubt on purpose to get a rise out of people.

PP here and I get the point and agree it was rude of OP to call people jerks. I still think parents and in laws should be invited outside of abuse or other unusual circumstance.

Growing up my husband had to go to his dad's parents' house for the morning of Christmas to open presents and hated that they had to pack everything in the car and drive it over and then open everything on his grandparents' timeline and couldn't actually put together anything or play with some of it because they couldn't set it up at someone else's house. Then he had to go to his mom's parents' house for the afternoon/evening of Christmas, so they would have to load everything back in the car and then sit for a very long and formal dinner. Finally he'd get home at the end of the day and actually get to enjoy his presents.

Growing up my parents made Christmas about our family of four. We always went to a church service followed by a huge party with tons of friends on Christmas Eve and then had a great two-part breakfast (scones and coffee/hot chocolate during presents and then eggs, toast, and sausage later) followed by an early dinner (steak, potatoes, green beans). We didn't leave the house and could stay in our pajamas all day if we wanted and had plenty of time to enjoy our presents. We would see our grandparents at other times over break when we weren't focused on our presents.

When we had our first Christmas while dating my husband said one of the main things he'd change with his own family was having a Christmas that he and his wife and kids actually enjoyed. And so we do. Our kids love Christmas and always have and we will respect whatever they want to do when they're older and out of the house. I would rather enjoy my time with my kids than do something because OP says I have to and be miserable.

You’re discussing two different things: traveling to your parents and traveling to church and then having guests over. Why can’t you celebrate at home with or without church and also invite your parents (whether or not they accept the invite)? Why does including them make you miserable, but hosting friends on Christmas Eve with a huge party doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

My MIL was very critical of how much we spent on our children, how many gifts they received etc so gift giving was accompanied by an ongoing commentary about how we were spoiling our children and in her day everyone got an orange and some nuts in a stocking and nothing else . . Maybe if you want to be invited you could think about not doing things that ruin everyone else’s day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

Don't be surprised when your kids complain to everyone about how much they hate spending the holidays with you because they can't stand you but they do it because other otherwise you'll make their lives miserable. That is the behavior you modeled.

What are you even talking about? Why would kids hate their parents because those parents invited them grandparents to celebrate Christmas each year? That makes zero sense. The behavior modeled would be to include their parents like they saw their elderly grandparents included.

Because the parents who don’t invite the grandparents aren’t inviting them because they **aren’t** contributing to the joy of the day.

No kid wants memories of their mom being criticized by their grandmother. No kid wants memories of their grandfather ranting about “the gays” for four hours. No kid wants memories of their parents stressed out and unhappy on Christmas— kids want a happy peaceful day.

The grandparents who contribute those happy peaceful days? Are being invited. If you’re not being invited it’s because you’re detracting from the holiday in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

PP you replied to. Posters are taking issue with the insult in the titled. If you are OP, then you need to stop doing that if you seek a polite debate. If we simply disagree on which day to see our parents (note that I referred to my mother, who is skeletally thin and believes anyone who is not is de facto fat and stupid), then we can courteously stop the discussion there and each visit on our preferred days.

OP started the fight by being horribly rude, no doubt on purpose to get a rise out of people.

PP here and I get the point and agree it was rude of OP to call people jerks. I still think parents and in laws should be invited outside of abuse or other unusual circumstance.

Growing up my husband had to go to his dad's parents' house for the morning of Christmas to open presents and hated that they had to pack everything in the car and drive it over and then open everything on his grandparents' timeline and couldn't actually put together anything or play with some of it because they couldn't set it up at someone else's house. Then he had to go to his mom's parents' house for the afternoon/evening of Christmas, so they would have to load everything back in the car and then sit for a very long and formal dinner. Finally he'd get home at the end of the day and actually get to enjoy his presents.

Growing up my parents made Christmas about our family of four. We always went to a church service followed by a huge party with tons of friends on Christmas Eve and then had a great two-part breakfast (scones and coffee/hot chocolate during presents and then eggs, toast, and sausage later) followed by an early dinner (steak, potatoes, green beans). We didn't leave the house and could stay in our pajamas all day if we wanted and had plenty of time to enjoy our presents. We would see our grandparents at other times over break when we weren't focused on our presents.

When we had our first Christmas while dating my husband said one of the main things he'd change with his own family was having a Christmas that he and his wife and kids actually enjoyed. And so we do. Our kids love Christmas and always have and we will respect whatever they want to do when they're older and out of the house. I would rather enjoy my time with my kids than do something because OP says I have to and be miserable.

You’re discussing two different things: traveling to your parents and traveling to church and then having guests over. Why can’t you celebrate at home with or without church and also invite your parents (whether or not they accept the invite)? Why does including them make you miserable, but hosting friends on Christmas Eve with a huge party doesn’t?

Seems like it’s a problem with the parents, not a problem with hosting. Guess they should think long and hard about why their adult kids think they’re detracting, not adding, to the joy of the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Boo hoo I guess I’ll get coal in my stockings then.

Good thing I’m an adult and can buy whatever presents I want—and what I want most is a nice peaceful holiday.

[Anonymous]

I just had my parents to visit and became physically ill from the stress (major heartburn, heart palpitations, insomnia, migraine)

Sometimes it’s complicated