PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

Nope. I moved away from my parents because they live in a tiny, remote town with no jobs. And I would welcome having them move to live closer to me (where my work is and my DH's work is and where there are good schools for our kids and where we have built a nice life) but they don't want to.

So when my kids are grown they will have the option of living near us if they decide to stay in this area, without sacrificing having a career or a reasonably sized dating pool. And DH and have already discussed how we'd be willing to move in retirement so we could be near our kids, especially if they needed help with their own kids and to reduce the expense and time outlay of traveling to visit each other. So even if our kids go elsewhere, we'd be willing to move near them to bridge the gap.

So no, we are not destined to repeat this pattern because we are not as rigid and uncompromising as our own parents.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once.

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that. Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with. That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you?

+1 this.

My parents and unmarried sister in her 40s invite themselves to my house. We never even get a chance to discuss what we want to/can/can’t handle. My mother just declares, we’re coming, buys tickets, books a hotel for her and my father snd a room for my sister and they come out and park at our house. My mother never offers to cook, pretends she’s incompetent at various things but wants a traditional Christmas meal. We’ve played caterer and cooked while she sits in the living room making a mess with our kids. This year I asked her what she’ll be doing while she’s here since we’re not cooking up a meal. Crickets. We don’t fly out to their house because we have small children and my hometown costs a fortune and is a PITA to get to with layovers and traffic.

So you never take the time to fly out to see your mom and you resent when she comes to visit you? Do you not want your kids to have a relationship with her? Because if you don’t come to her because of small kids, the only option other than her coming to you is to not have them get to know her.

We’ve visited them but not over the holidays because traveling is horrible. Spending more than $5k to get stuck overnight at O’Hare and drive in a blizzard to eat ham, sleep on my 30 year old twin bed (because there are no hotels where I’m from) and listen to my father pontificate about politics doesn’t appeal to us. It’s more tolerable when the plane tickets go down and the weather is better.

Makes sense and I think it’s great that when they come to you, despite the cost, that they get a hotel. I would suggest booking a Christmas meal at a restaurant. No cooking, no dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

Nope. I moved away from my parents because they live in a tiny, remote town with no jobs. And I would welcome having them move to live closer to me (where my work is and my DH's work is and where there are good schools for our kids and where we have built a nice life) but they don't want to.

So when my kids are grown they will have the option of living near us if they decide to stay in this area, without sacrificing having a career or a reasonably sized dating pool. And DH and have already discussed how we'd be willing to move in retirement so we could be near our kids, especially if they needed help with their own kids and to reduce the expense and time outlay of traveling to visit each other. So even if our kids go elsewhere, we'd be willing to move near them to bridge the gap.

So no, we are not destined to repeat this pattern because we are not as rigid and uncompromising as our own parents.

What does where you live have to do with Christmas? I’ve always lived several states away from parents and in laws. We invite them and if they can come, great. Some years I would travel to them but not often because we had small kids and pets. I certainly don’t expect them to move to be near us as a condition for having a relationship nor do I think it’s necessary - they didn’t live in the same place as their own parents raising kids either.

[Anonymous]

I am really looking forward to when my kids are independent and traveling or staying home with their own families for Christmas. I am so tired of being the Thanksgiving hostess and the damn Christmas elf. For 20 years, I have hung every ornament and Christmas light, wrapped every present often including my own, bought and cooked every Christmas treat, and I am really OK to be done at some point. I probably have another 5 or more likely 10 years left on my elf sentence.

When I finally get sprung, I’m looking forward to going to Europe to enjoy the Christmas markets and then having a quiet Christmas at home with DH and our dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling people jerks will only confirm to the host that they were right to not invite. Who wants to spend a holiday with name-callers?

Huh? OP isn’t referring to her relatives.

That's what I was thinking as well. If you call your adult kids jerks, no wonder you're not invited. The options then really are: (1) adult kids are jerks (2) you are a jerk (3) both you and your adult kids are jerks. In none of these cases you'd get invited. You get invited if you're nice and have raised nice kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There said it. It is a few hours, stop trying to justify being a jerk. We all hate our in-laws and even some of our families, but you model being a decent person once a year.

Your opinion doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

No, you don’t have to

[Anonymous]

No thanks.

You’re really fixed on the adults and making sure the oldest are coddled.

I remember what it was like to be a kid getting shuttled all over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, visiting older relatives who were awful to my sister and I, and took my mother completely for granted. Overstimulated, rushed, never allowed to have a quiet moment or enjoy the gifts or the food or the music. The years where one or both of us got sick on Christmas and the family stayed home together are my best childhood Christmas memories.

Now Christmas is a day for family. Meaning my nuclear family. Obligatory visits to older relatives take place on the 26th and the morning of the 24th. It’s just a few hours? They can get that few hours another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really looking forward to when my kids are independent and traveling or staying home with their own families for Christmas. I am so tired of being the Thanksgiving hostess and the damn Christmas elf. For 20 years, I have hung every ornament and Christmas light, wrapped every present often including my own, bought and cooked every Christmas treat, and I am really OK to be done at some point. I probably have another 5 or more likely 10 years left on my elf sentence.

When I finally get sprung, I’m looking forward to going to Europe to enjoy the Christmas markets and then having a quiet Christmas at home with DH and our dogs.

I’m not tired of Christmas (because I have good boundaries and a family that gets it) but I am also really excited for the stage of my life where my Christmas revolves around what I want— maybe trips with my spouse, visiting the friends and family we want to be with, just a lower pressure holiday. I think it’s a sign of good parenting when your adult kids don’t NEED you, and good boundaries when you don’t NEED desperately to be with your adult kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No thanks.

You’re really fixed on the adults and making sure the oldest are coddled.

I remember what it was like to be a kid getting shuttled all over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, visiting older relatives who were awful to my sister and I, and took my mother completely for granted. Overstimulated, rushed, never allowed to have a quiet moment or enjoy the gifts or the food or the music. The years where one or both of us got sick on Christmas and the family stayed home together are my best childhood Christmas memories.

Now Christmas is a day for family. Meaning my nuclear family. Obligatory visits to older relatives take place on the 26th and the morning of the 24th. It’s just a few hours? They can get that few hours another time.

This is a thread about inviting parents over, not “shuttling all over” to older relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No thanks.

You’re really fixed on the adults and making sure the oldest are coddled.

I remember what it was like to be a kid getting shuttled all over on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, visiting older relatives who were awful to my sister and I, and took my mother completely for granted. Overstimulated, rushed, never allowed to have a quiet moment or enjoy the gifts or the food or the music. The years where one or both of us got sick on Christmas and the family stayed home together are my best childhood Christmas memories.

Now Christmas is a day for family. Meaning my nuclear family. Obligatory visits to older relatives take place on the 26th and the morning of the 24th. It’s just a few hours? They can get that few hours another time.

This is a thread about inviting parents over, not “shuttling all over” to older relatives.

This is a thread about being obligated to prioritize parents and in laws over the Christmas you want.

Nope.

If parents and in laws want to be invited they can be the kind of guests that adds to the joy of the day. Critics, lazybones and the self absorbed can get their duty visits another day, and this generation of kids will have memories of relaxed and joyful families.

“Decency” applies to everyone, not just the parents of adult children. Decency to ones self means not pandering—
Or making your spouse and children pander to— to difficult people on their one Christmas a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

Case in point, Whiny Boundaries poster.

Sometimes actions have consequences and if you're being a nasty person every time maybe people don't enjoy being around you and want to enjoy their holidays without including you Lashing out at everyone is a sign you are externalizing your anger. Maybe you should take some time and think about how you can work on being a kinder person that people enjoy being around instead of feeling obligated to do so because you're their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

Case in point, Whiny Boundaries poster.

Sometimes actions have consequences and if you're being a nasty person every time maybe people don't enjoy being around you and want to enjoy their holidays without including you Lashing out at everyone is a sign you are externalizing your anger. Maybe you should take some time and think about how you can work on being a kinder person that people enjoy being around instead of feeling obligated to do so because you're their family.

+1

People lucky enough to have respectful and loving and kind parents and parents in law don’t need a PSA to see them on Christmas. We’re looking forward to it.

The people who don’t invite their in laws and parents aren’t inviting them for a good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was inevitable this post would bring out all the whiny “I have trauma and boundaries” people. This post is not for you. We are not telling you to invite your abusive relative to Christmas. Stop making every damn post about you! Scroll along.

What you don't realize is that most people have difficult family members. It may not amount to a clinical definition of PTSD, but there is no reason to subject yourself to a grandparent's racist rants every holiday, or a mother's harping on every female relative's weight, including the young girls. It's not that you don't have some affection for these people, who despite their moral failings like you and have no doubt supported you in your life. But it doesn't follow that you would see them at a time when you most seek peace and quiet.

It's OK for everyone to choose how and when and where they interact with their relatives. I entirely agree with you that blood is thicker than water. I will contribute to eldercare, help out when someone is sick, send gifts to kids and spend precious summer vacation time with some of my relatives.

Christmas? No. I will enjoy my spiritual break in PEACE.

What you might not understand is that people can hear all of this and then still disagree and say nope, it’s one day a year, get your peace the other 364 days. It’s just a difference of opinion and that’s what message boards are all about. And this thread is about parents not other relatives.

As numerous people have pointed out, for many of us spending Christmas with parents or ILs is a minimum of 3-4 days because of the distance.

And here I will observe that the people I know who get to spend holidays with their kids and grandkids all the time are the people who have chosen to settle near their adult kids in retirement. And their kids welcomed those moves and were so grateful to have that family nearby and are happy to share holidays with them. Food for thought.

Well don’t be surprised when your kids move away and don’t invite you for Christmas. That is the behavior you modeled.

You are a provincial right wing nut job with a diagnosable personality disorder. It is not normal to be so controlling.

It's clear you're one of those parents who try to clip their children's wings permanently so they will never leave. In this day and age where people have to move for jobs, you don't care if your kids barely make enough to survive. You just need them right down the street so you can interfere and control their lives.

It's clear you aren't very educated and don't value education. None of us will be surprised if your kids move away and most of us will understand that often we can't get together once our children grow up and fledge.

[Anonymous]

I just think it’s odd that a parent would force a child to spend their holiday with them. If my kids don’t want to, then that’s fine. I can make my own sunshine. I wouldn’t be upset, the whole point in loving someone is to encourage their well-being.