Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

“And up next on tonight’s episode of Dateline, the story of a murdered woman who really had it coming to her by her abusive husband. She going out the hard way that it’s her responsibility for keeping her husband’s hands off the kitchen knife.”

Nobody said she had it coming, dummy. Just said cheating is stupid and against a know abuser is essentially a death wish.

Leave. Period.

I was in a toxic marriage and it never o cured to me to go drown my sorrows in another man’s bed. I was too busy planning how to get kids out and working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

[Anonymous]

Back to the topic:

OP- No I would not date a cheater I’m the marriage.

I also especially wouldn’t date one that justified the cheating with all kinds of reasons: fell out of love, verbal abuse, etc.

Shows bad decision making, poor coping skills and a deceitful nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

The kids are absolutely aware of the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

[Anonymous]

OP, RUN don't walk away. Be glad he told you.

I married a man who cheated on another woman to date me. Without telling me I was the other woman, he had lied to me and told me they had broken up.

He didn't come clean with me until we were pretty far into our relationship. I should have left then, but I didn't. I married the jerk.

Guess what - he cheated on me. Then I finally left him.

Lesson finally learned. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

You sound like you got cheated on and it destroyed you. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

You sound like you got cheated on and it destroyed you. I’m so sorry.

Actually they sound incredibly normal. I am in a very happy marriage- but I’ve seen cheaters and they are always trying to justify it and paint themselves as a victim and/or some blameless party. Always somebody else’s fault, always “but my circumstances justified it”, blah blah blah. It’s pathetic to everyone listening and watching this train wreck…sooner be watching Jerry Springer. It’s where they belong. Drama and angst. 24/7

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

You sound like you got cheated on and it destroyed you. I’m so sorry.

Actually they sound incredibly normal. I am in a very happy marriage- but I’ve seen cheaters and they are always trying to justify it and paint themselves as a victim and/or some blameless party. Always somebody else’s fault, always “but my circumstances justified it”, blah blah blah. It’s pathetic to everyone listening and watching this train wreck…sooner be watching Jerry Springer. It’s where they belong. Drama and angst. 24/7

You wouldn’t be having such a visceral reaction to cheating if you weren’t being cheated on or utterly terrified your husband is sticking it in the younger, prettier woman he works with. Come on. Admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

You sound like you got cheated on and it destroyed you. I’m so sorry.

Actually they sound incredibly normal. I am in a very happy marriage- but I’ve seen cheaters and they are always trying to justify it and paint themselves as a victim and/or some blameless party. Always somebody else’s fault, always “but my circumstances justified it”, blah blah blah. It’s pathetic to everyone listening and watching this train wreck…sooner be watching Jerry Springer. It’s where they belong. Drama and angst. 24/7

You wouldn’t be having such a visceral reaction to cheating if you weren’t being cheated on or utterly terrified your husband is sticking it in the younger, prettier woman he works with. Come on. Admit it.

Nope. Nobody likes a cheater.

Americans place cheating on a spouse dead last on a list of acceptable behaviors, behind abortion, cohabitation, pornography, out-of-wedlock births and divorce, among others. A puny 6 percent say adultery is acceptable, according to a Gallup poll conducted last May.

A potential for explosive impact and collateral damage may keep adultery at the bottom of the list. Infidelity "seemingly has a larger ripple effect than other things like cloning or abortion. It continues to painfully impact a family as they interact at family events and have to raise children together. It affects the lives of children and the extended family as well,"

Many people — the adult who as a child saw the fallout from a parent's affair, the boyfriend or girlfriend who was cheated on, the spouse who feels betrayed — have wounds from infidelity. The seventh of the Ten Commandments is not a distant concept today, but something raw: "It's an issue that hits close to home for many that often is surrounded by a lot of pain,"

Dishonesty is one of the most harmful aspects of infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

I don’t judge as harshly as I did when I was younger, having an affair after 25 years of marriage where the previous eight had no warmth or affection is a lot different than sleeping with an Applebee’s hostess when your wife is on bedrest.

I’d have to ask more questions about what the relationship was like in the years leading up to his cheating, his cheating could’ve been an absolute relief to his wife, maybe she didn’t have the courage to end the relationship without citing some major offense, she could have purposely withheld affection and emotional intimacy to isolate and drive him away. Ask more questions then make the call.

We can agree to disagree. Deal breaker for me. Cheating has been a deal breaker since I was a teen in HS until now as a 53-year old married 25-years.

Lying and cheating, and all the things you need to do to carry out an affair behind a spouse's back: unforgivable. But, I would address the 'no warmth or affection'. Marriages have stages. Raising kids and both working can cause couples to lose that closeness, get off track...I'm not going to go out and bang a stranger because of it. I also had a lot of healthy, happy, functional marriages as role models--and outright told by my parents and older siblings when I was blissfully engaged: marriage can be hard, there may be times you can't stand to be in the same room-you won't believe this now--but you get through it and a long marriage has peaks and valleys. Each peak after a valley--higher than the rest. My parents happiest times were empty nest/retirement they told me. They traveled like crazy and seemed like newylweds.

How about if your spouse is an addict (and abusive and nasty when under the influence which is 75% of the time)- how about if your spouse cannot cope on their own so you stay with them not to shatter their world and watch them crash and lose all hope of possible recovery (stay out of loyalty since youve been together since teenagers).

And what if pigs fly and cows sung. You cheaters will think of anything in the world to jusitfy cheating. You are not loyal if you are cheating.

You sound like you got cheated on and it destroyed you. I’m so sorry.

Actually they sound incredibly normal. I am in a very happy marriage- but I’ve seen cheaters and they are always trying to justify it and paint themselves as a victim and/or some blameless party. Always somebody else’s fault, always “but my circumstances justified it”, blah blah blah. It’s pathetic to everyone listening and watching this train wreck…sooner be watching Jerry Springer. It’s where they belong. Drama and angst. 24/7

You wouldn’t be having such a visceral reaction to cheating if you weren’t being cheated on or utterly terrified your husband is sticking it in the younger, prettier woman he works with. Come on. Admit it.

Nope. Nobody likes a cheater.

Americans place cheating on a spouse dead last on a list of acceptable behaviors, behind abortion, cohabitation, pornography, out-of-wedlock births and divorce, among others. A puny 6 percent say adultery is acceptable, according to a Gallup poll conducted last May.

A potential for explosive impact and collateral damage may keep adultery at the bottom of the list. Infidelity "seemingly has a larger ripple effect than other things like cloning or abortion. It continues to painfully impact a family as they interact at family events and have to raise children together. It affects the lives of children and the extended family as well,"

Many people — the adult who as a child saw the fallout from a parent's affair, the boyfriend or girlfriend who was cheated on, the spouse who feels betrayed — have wounds from infidelity. The seventh of the Ten Commandments is not a distant concept today, but something raw: "It's an issue that hits close to home for many that often is surrounded by a lot of pain,"

Dishonesty is one of the most harmful aspects of infidelity

You reference this study in so, so many posts on this forum. So it tells me you are deeply invested in the concept of cheating. Which is a bit odd.

I don’t like like cheating either. But I don’t have such a crazy reaction to it like you do. It exposes some deep fear on your end.

[Anonymous]

OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

[Anonymous]

Hard no for so many of the same reasons others have listed. BTDT, ex cheated for similar reasons but the emotional abuse he put me through for years was absolutely devastating (lying, gas lighting, the works). you have to think about the type of person who does that to the one individual who they promised to honor and spend the rest of their lives with. My ex has always had the mentality that he deserves more/better than others. He's now dating someone else and I have no idea if she knows.

OP, do you know why he told you this? Is it a situation where you would have found out otherwise? I'm just wondering what the motivation was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?