Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You should seek therapy.

This is how men think about sleeping with married women whether they are also married or single. Pump and dump. The difference is the married men have to be more phony than the single and play along so you won’t tell their wives. They have to try to let you down easily and say “oh but my kids” “should have met at a different time” all the typical bullsh@t .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You should seek therapy.

This is how men think about sleeping with married women whether they are also married or single. Pump and dump. The difference is the married men have to be more phony than the single and play along so you won’t tell their wives. They have to try to let you down easily and say “oh but my kids” “should have met at a different time” all the typical bullsh@t .

Normalizing toxic behavior with “this how men think” is not okay either.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You should seek therapy.

What for? I’m not the one cheating. Nor would I cheat. If you’re going to have sex with me even though you’re married that’s on you, not me. Do better.

And if you are annoying I will totally tell your husband.

If this was a woman posting about sleeping with married men the defensive post above would sound very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

DP- she “doubled down” on fixing the marriage without ever telling her husband the truth. The infidelity was just a catalyst to ending the marriage, it didn’t help her, and she could have divorced him first and preserved her integrity. Guess what- you can’t have a healthy, whole marriage while actively deceiving your spouse. Her husband very well could have instinctively known deep down that something was up- don’t women who are cheated on post this all the time??

BTW- I don’t have “black and white” thinking on the matter- I had an EA and it helped absolutely nothing, it was incredibly stupid and I came clean to DH, which was the only way to get past it. Sometimes we do stupid things and reach a low/crisis point that forces us to resolve issues- but it still would have been better to resolve said issues without the low/crisis/infidelity! It did so much damage.

[Anonymous]

This post is about dating someone who cheated. Maybe the pp cheated and learned from it and wouldn’t do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

You know who else is a bad parent? Someone who has no ability to own their mistakes, someone who cannot show kids how to overcome challenges, someone who pretends to be perfect, and someone who puts other people down without knowing anything about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

+1. The “cheating never fixes anything” poster is the same kind of person that says a victim of rape should be forced to carry a pregnancy to term, even if she was ambushed and assaulted in an alley and/or the pregnancy threatens her life. Black and white thinkers always gonna black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

You know who else is a bad parent? Someone who has no ability to own their mistakes, someone who cannot show kids how to overcome challenges, someone who pretends to be perfect, and someone who puts other people down without knowing anything about them.

Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

DP +1. This is the disgusting "if they don't know (or never find out), I'm not hurting anyone" people.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters will really say anything to justify the act to themselves (and others).

They literally cant be trusted to tell the truth, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

DP +1. This is the disgusting "if they don't know (or never find out), I'm not hurting anyone" people.

I’m not saying that cheating is acceptable, but there are plenty of children of divorced parents whose lives are not in fact wrecked, and who went on to have solid loving relationships. There’s more than one way to grow up and have a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

DP +1. This is the disgusting "if they don't know (or never find out), I'm not hurting anyone" people.

I’m not saying that cheating is acceptable, but there are plenty of children of divorced parents whose lives are not in fact wrecked, and who went on to have solid loving relationships. There’s more than one way to grow up and have a family.

Yes, there are children of divorce who go on to live happy and well adjusted lives. But a cheater rolls the dice on the outcome for his or her kids by cheating, by making unilateral decisions that out others, including kids, in jeopardy for harm (emotional, mental, financial, and to the spouse physical/health). Maybe they cheat and everyone turns out to be unaffected by the cheating and lying, maybe they are irreparably damaged. Who knows. But the parent who goes “hmm, maaaaaybe I’m about to screw up my kids forever, or maybe not, let’s just go get my rocks off anyway” is not a good parent.