Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with so many of these posts, specifically about the loss of love thing. Marriage is hard and love takes on different forms throughout and as time goes on. To cheat because you don't feel same love for a spouse, rather than talk to them and try really hard to work through it, shows a real lack of character and integrity as many others have said. I would not risk it as you already feel some trust issues and that's too important to sacrifice.

+1

People who constantly seek that passionate kind of love after 10+ years of marriage with kids are immature emotionally and mentally.

Marriage has its ups and downs, boredom, challenges. But, it's a commitment to that marriage.

If you don't think you can handle that, then don't get married, at the least, don't have children.

So many people see the world in such black and white terms, it’s astounding.

- Not a cheater, since I know you’ll accuse me of it.

Lol. If you dont believe cheating is black and white, then how can we accuse you? You'll justify it and somehow make it ok and not your fault.

It’s not that I don’t think the act of cheating isn’t black and white. I just think posters like you seem to have this notion that it’s sex love friendship finances everything everything everything with one person for all eternity, or else you’ll crumble and die. That’s where I think your black and white thinking is.

DP. No, actually, people who condemn cheating are not thinking that everything has to be with one person for all eternity. People who explicitly negotiate monogamy are consenting to sex under specific parameters. If the parameter is monogamy (whether it's within a marital relationship or not) then when one person cheats it turns consensual sex into non-consensual sex. Yes, it is that black and white.

Furthermore, when I negotiate monogamy, I am giving up certain activities or options in the same way I am asking my partner to. When a partner cheats, they are manipulating the faithful partner to give up things and give things, without paying the expected & mutually negotiated "cost" of giving up and giving the same.

To not be a cheater doesn't require staying forever and being someone's everything. It simply means to communicate your desires explicitly, negotiate them fairly, keep your promises and when you find you can't keep a promise, speak up explicitly before breaking your promise and either re-negotiate or end things before getting entangled with someone else.

Really not that hard. It's a low bar.

Love this.. very well said.

+1

People need to stop talking about being cheated on in terms of not giving consent. Being raped is not giving consent. Being cheated on is something that frankly every person in a relationship needs to be prepared for, because sometimes your spouse doesn’t honor his word. But you’re going into a relationship knowing this may happen.

Umm - I disagree. Marriage means vows to be faithful. Hence, cheating is not anticipated..

Yeah, because your husband hooking up with a coworker is just as awful as being sexually assaulted by a stranger at gun point.

Get a grip. These things aren’t equal.

I’ll take “wouldn’t want either” for $800, Alec.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

My life exploded a long time ago. No one that I’ve stepped out with has been married or had kids.
Thank you for your concern about me “boning ppl”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

My life exploded a long time ago. No one that I’ve stepped out with has been married or had kids.
Thank you for your concern about me “boning ppl”.

Black and white poster here and agree the line about “boning ppl” really exposed the judgement.

I’m just reminded of the situation in the movie Water for Elephants. Reese Witherspoon’s husband was abusive and cruel, and she bonded with a man who was the opposite. When you take a step back from your judgement and iron clad need to do things the way society has always said, you start to see people as individuals needing a loving connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

Good for you. I am happy for your glimpse of happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

My life exploded a long time ago. No one that I’ve stepped out with has been married or had kids.
Thank you for your concern about me “boning ppl”.

Black and white poster here and agree the line about “boning ppl” really exposed the judgement.

I’m just reminded of the situation in the movie Water for Elephants. Reese Witherspoon’s husband was abusive and cruel, and she bonded with a man who was the opposite. When you take a step back from your judgement and iron clad need to do things the way society has always said, you start to see people as individuals needing a loving connection.

Cue the tortured romantics living through cinema…

Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

My life exploded a long time ago. No one that I’ve stepped out with has been married or had kids.
Thank you for your concern about me “boning ppl”.

Black and white poster here and agree the line about “boning ppl” really exposed the judgement.

I’m just reminded of the situation in the movie Water for Elephants. Reese Witherspoon’s husband was abusive and cruel, and she bonded with a man who was the opposite. When you take a step back from your judgement and iron clad need to do things the way society has always said, you start to see people as individuals needing a loving connection.

Reese has been divorced twice IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

My life exploded a long time ago. No one that I’ve stepped out with has been married or had kids.
Thank you for your concern about me “boning ppl”.

Black and white poster here and agree the line about “boning ppl” really exposed the judgement.

I’m just reminded of the situation in the movie Water for Elephants. Reese Witherspoon’s husband was abusive and cruel, and she bonded with a man who was the opposite. When you take a step back from your judgement and iron clad need to do things the way society has always said, you start to see people as individuals needing a loving connection.

Cue the tortured romantics living through cinema…

Give me a break.

I’ve figured out WTF is wrong with posters on DCUM and it has to do with an overwhelming sense of moral superiority, with most people in the DC area working for NGOs saving the whales and working on the Hill saving their constituents. It lends to a very “there’s one way to be right and moral, and that’s to stay one million percent faithful to your husband, even if he literally punches you in the face. Otherwise, you’re just a whore out there boning randos and ruining children’s lives.”

Really, this forum is sick sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

“And up next on tonight’s episode of Dateline, the story of a murdered woman who really had it coming to her by her abusive husband. She going out the hard way that it’s her responsibility for keeping her husband’s hands off the kitchen knife.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.