Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

A good friend of mine (who is a drop dead gorgeous Latina), kind, well educated, funny and a ridiculously good cook, got married at 19 to a man 27 years older than her. They had two kids. He cheated on her constantly including while she was giving birth to their younger child. Years later (in the late 20s), she fell in love with someone who was closer to her age, and actually cared about her well being above his own. She refused to leave her marriage because of the children. She encouraged her lover to take a job abroad and not wait for her. He did and all I know is that they are still in touch as friends. We are now in our mid 40s, the husband is early 70s. The kids are almost in college. I don’t know if she’ll end up leaving but I don’t begrudge her ANY of the decisions she has made. She deserves to feel love and she is one of the best people I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine (who is a drop dead gorgeous Latina), kind, well educated, funny and a ridiculously good cook, got married at 19 to a man 27 years older than her. They had two kids. He cheated on her constantly including while she was giving birth to their younger child. Years later (in the late 20s), she fell in love with someone who was closer to her age, and actually cared about her well being above his own. She refused to leave her marriage because of the children. She encouraged her lover to take a job abroad and not wait for her. He did and all I know is that they are still in touch as friends. We are now in our mid 40s, the husband is early 70s. The kids are almost in college. I don’t know if she’ll end up leaving but I don’t begrudge her ANY of the decisions she has made. She deserves to feel love and she is one of the best people I know.

Someone who marries a 46 year old at 19 has terrible judgement and most likely the type of traumatic family history that makes people vulnerable to awful decisions like cheating instead of leaving your old philandering husband. But it’s still the wrong thing to do and in this case fits in a pattern of poor decision-making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

I thinking cheating would be the last thing on my mind if that were the case. I’d be too busy trying to protect myself and find a way to leave —not banging other men. That’s not exactly a reliable or sound exit strategy. It only makes everything worse.

But, Christ, you live to throw up anything to justify cheating. Tiresome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you're asking the question means YOU think it's a dealbreaker.

To a lot of people, it's not. But if this past history makes you worried he or she will cheat on you at some point... well, maybe you two are not a good match.

Yes true. Although I'm not looking for marriage, I fear I will have major trust issues and don't really want to deal with that. UGH.

Yes - it was husband who cheated.

OP, we are frequently drawn to the same sorts of people. You might be drawn to a personality that is more likely to cheat. Good looking, charismatic, lots of good sexual energy. He probably needs that energy to feel alive. That is frequently not a good match for stability.

Who isn't drawn to this personality type though? I have those same energies and it attracts men. However I never cheated and always end up being around men who did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you date someone who admitted to a failed marriage due to cheating? This is someone who is good-looking with a good career and appears to be a good parent. But loss of love/X led to cheating. Not sure if this is worth exploring further.

His ex didnt support him emotionally so he cheated. Isnt this the excuse so many on DCUM accept when the sexes are reversed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine (who is a drop dead gorgeous Latina), kind, well educated, funny and a ridiculously good cook, got married at 19 to a man 27 years older than her. They had two kids. He cheated on her constantly including while she was giving birth to their younger child. Years later (in the late 20s), she fell in love with someone who was closer to her age, and actually cared about her well being above his own. She refused to leave her marriage because of the children. She encouraged her lover to take a job abroad and not wait for her. He did and all I know is that they are still in touch as friends. We are now in our mid 40s, the husband is early 70s. The kids are almost in college. I don’t know if she’ll end up leaving but I don’t begrudge her ANY of the decisions she has made. She deserves to feel love and she is one of the best people I know.

Someone who marries a 46 year old at 19 has terrible judgement and most likely the type of traumatic family history that makes people vulnerable to awful decisions like cheating instead of leaving your old philandering husband. But it’s still the wrong thing to do and in this case fits in a pattern of poor decision-making.

So many totally perfect people on DCUM though! If only she’d found this site first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine (who is a drop dead gorgeous Latina), kind, well educated, funny and a ridiculously good cook, got married at 19 to a man 27 years older than her. They had two kids. He cheated on her constantly including while she was giving birth to their younger child. Years later (in the late 20s), she fell in love with someone who was closer to her age, and actually cared about her well being above his own. She refused to leave her marriage because of the children. She encouraged her lover to take a job abroad and not wait for her. He did and all I know is that they are still in touch as friends. We are now in our mid 40s, the husband is early 70s. The kids are almost in college. I don’t know if she’ll end up leaving but I don’t begrudge her ANY of the decisions she has made. She deserves to feel love and she is one of the best people I know.

Someone who marries a 46 year old at 19 has terrible judgement and most likely the type of traumatic family history that makes people vulnerable to awful decisions like cheating instead of leaving your old philandering husband. But it’s still the wrong thing to do and in this case fits in a pattern of poor decision-making.

So many totally perfect people on DCUM though! If only she’d found this site first.

The OP's question wasn't whether cheaters are perfect people, it was whether you would date someone who cheated on their spouse. Your friend is a textbook example of why you SHOULDN'T get into a relationship with a cheater. Here is someone who made really bad choices over and over again- marrying at 19, having babies early, having an affair, refusing to get divorced, etc. I wouldn't date someone who showed such a pattern of poor judgment throughout their adult life. She may very well be a good person and a good friend but entering a romantic relationship with someone like that is a recipe for drama and misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

I thinking cheating would be the last thing on my mind if that were the case. I’d be too busy trying to protect myself and find a way to leave —not banging other men. That’s not exactly a reliable or sound exit strategy. It only makes everything worse.

But, Christ, you live to throw up anything to justify cheating. Tiresome

Dp.

You can sanctimoniously sit behind your computer and spit out what you THINK you would do when in an abusive situation, but you do not have any idea until you’ve lived in that person’s shoes.

You can smugly judge people as poor decision makers when they choose to do something differently than what you think you would do.

But you honestly just sound like a self righteous ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

I thinking cheating would be the last thing on my mind if that were the case. I’d be too busy trying to protect myself and find a way to leave —not banging other men. That’s not exactly a reliable or sound exit strategy. It only makes everything worse.

But, Christ, you live to throw up anything to justify cheating. Tiresome

Dp.

You can sanctimoniously sit behind your computer and spit out what you THINK you would do when in an abusive situation, but you do not have any idea until you’ve lived in that person’s shoes.

You can smugly judge people as poor decision makers when they choose to do something differently than what you think you would do.

But you honestly just sound like a self righteous ass.

There is no way cheating on an abusive partner is going to make such a volatile or dangerous situation better. Just because you are a "victim" of a bad partner doesn't absolve you or excuse you from having your own integrity or morals. Deception is never part of healthy interpersonal relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

I thinking cheating would be the last thing on my mind if that were the case. I’d be too busy trying to protect myself and find a way to leave —not banging other men. That’s not exactly a reliable or sound exit strategy. It only makes everything worse.

But, Christ, you live to throw up anything to justify cheating. Tiresome

And it’s tiresome that you think cheating deserves such a flogging and scarlet letter. Christ. It’s 2024. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a Dh that is abusive. He’s toxic and a true narcissist. You all can hate all you want, but I decided to stay put until my kids graduate from high school. This has given me time to get back into the workforce and work on building my career so I have a good exit strategy. Kids are not aware of his abuse. In a divorce my Dh would have used the kids as pawns. Im in therapy and it keeps me strong and mentally focused.

I’ve stepped out on him. I have needs and sometimes I just want to be held. I have one more year to go. Flame away. Idgaf.

I’m the “black and white” poster and just want to say I’m sorry, I have zero judgement for you, and hope you get a beautiful life on the other side of this. Your situation is exactly what I mean when I say some situations aren’t black and white. Your abusive, toxic husband is the jerk. Not you for needing to be held.

Again, for those who are going to call me a cheater for supporting this PP, I’ve never cheated and deeply love my husband. I just know that not everyone is in a caring kind marriage, and they still deserve to feel love.

❤️ Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I never imagined my life like this.
The world is a better place with you in it.

Word of warning: if you get caught your life will explode like you cannot even fathom. And if the person you are cheating with also has a family---the implosion is going to be triple-fold.

I don't think doing other harmful things (because your actions are harmful to all of those on the periphary--OM's spouse/kids, your own kids, etc, etc.) are ever a good idea to manage a bad situation. In those instances, therapy, friends and doing things you love (which aren't boning ppl outside your marriage) are the route to take.

Agree. Abusive men don’t really handle discovery of their wive’s cheating very well. Really incredibly not smart move. The next Dateline episode…

Blaming the victim, I see. Lovely.

Victim? Such mental gymnastics to reconcile with adultery.

If the guy is abusive, here us something novel: get a divorce.

Men very quickly become “emotional abusers” to women that want to justify all kinds of things in their minds. Oh please don’t judge me OLD—I was being emotionally abused at home.

Some people are being physically abused as well, you know.

I thinking cheating would be the last thing on my mind if that were the case. I’d be too busy trying to protect myself and find a way to leave —not banging other men. That’s not exactly a reliable or sound exit strategy. It only makes everything worse.

But, Christ, you live to throw up anything to justify cheating. Tiresome

Dp.

You can sanctimoniously sit behind your computer and spit out what you THINK you would do when in an abusive situation, but you do not have any idea until you’ve lived in that person’s shoes.

You can smugly judge people as poor decision makers when they choose to do something differently than what you think you would do.

But you honestly just sound like a self righteous ass.

There is no way cheating on an abusive partner is going to make such a volatile or dangerous situation better. Just because you are a "victim" of a bad partner doesn't absolve you or excuse you from having your own integrity or morals. Deception is never part of healthy interpersonal relationships.

Good lord, give it a rest Madame Preacher.
You sound like an idiot.

Seriously. Although I was thinking the right term is martyr. He kicks me in the stomach and slaps me in the face. At least I have MY morals and am still loyal to my liege!

[Anonymous]

I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You should seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve had sex with married women before. Multiple times too. I learned early after my divorce a ring means nothing. I with marry again ever.

I pumped and dumped a lot of married women though. One was upset I ghosted her and called me out so I told her husband.

I wouldn’t date someone who who cheated on their GF or BF or their husband. If you do that it shows you’re awful and not relationship material. And it’s not my job to not have sex with you. I’m an in shape, single guy with a good income. I will sleep with you but won’t have any respect for you, but that’s your problem not mine.

And I usually keep things quiet for the most part, but the one who got mad I didn’t want something more serious from her was annoying so I texted her husband screenshots of the nasty stuff she said she was going to do and did. So yeah…you chest you don’t know what’s going to happen.

You should seek therapy.

What for? I’m not the one cheating. Nor would I cheat. If you’re going to have sex with me even though you’re married that’s on you, not me. Do better.

And if you are annoying I will totally tell your husband.