Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cheaters are NOT good parents. Maybe he has other traits that you find attractive, but somebody who cheats is a liar and a terrible parent. He put himself before anybody else not caring about any of the consequences, and there are likely to be many, to his kids. They are complete and utter innocent collateral damage. He is a bad parent. There is no way around this.

Really? Who are you to judge others?

I can’t fathom how anybody could insist that they are a good parent if they cheat. You lie, you betray, you put yourself first, even knowing that by cheating you are pulling apart your kids’ family, breaking their hearts, likely making their lives unstable and stressful, forever changing how they view you, likely altering how they view relationships and honesty and love. Somebody who knowingly, willingly, and proactively makes the decision to cheat? Knowing it will wreck their kids’ lives and forever change their world? And still not caring? That is a bad parent.

DP +1. This is the disgusting "if they don't know (or never find out), I'm not hurting anyone" people.

I’m not saying that cheating is acceptable, but there are plenty of children of divorced parents whose lives are not in fact wrecked, and who went on to have solid loving relationships. There’s more than one way to grow up and have a family.

Yes, there are children of divorce who go on to live happy and well adjusted lives. But a cheater rolls the dice on the outcome for his or her kids by cheating, by making unilateral decisions that out others, including kids, in jeopardy for harm (emotional, mental, financial, and to the spouse physical/health). Maybe they cheat and everyone turns out to be unaffected by the cheating and lying, maybe they are irreparably damaged. Who knows. But the parent who goes “hmm, maaaaaybe I’m about to screw up my kids forever, or maybe not, let’s just go get my rocks off anyway” is not a good parent.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

DP- she “doubled down” on fixing the marriage without ever telling her husband the truth. The infidelity was just a catalyst to ending the marriage, it didn’t help her, and she could have divorced him first and preserved her integrity. Guess what- you can’t have a healthy, whole marriage while actively deceiving your spouse. Her husband very well could have instinctively known deep down that something was up- don’t women who are cheated on post this all the time??

BTW- I don’t have “black and white” thinking on the matter- I had an EA and it helped absolutely nothing, it was incredibly stupid and I came clean to DH, which was the only way to get past it. Sometimes we do stupid things and reach a low/crisis point that forces us to resolve issues- but it still would have been better to resolve said issues without the low/crisis/infidelity! It did so much damage.

+1. There is no possible way to save the marriage while lying about such a significant thing as infidelity.

OP assumes her husband didn't know about her cheating. All she knew is he didn't confront her about her cheating. I knew way more about my now ex's cheating than he thought I knew. He did therapy and revealed some things but concealed and lied about others. I left him because he continued to lie.

A person who conceals their own infidelity while "working" on the marriage is just engaging in performative therapy so that when they leave they can say it wasn't their fault. By lying in therapy, the cheater is still performing the core act of infidelity - lying to serve oneself while still being able to present a positive public face.

[Anonymous]

well someone married my cheating ex so I'd say the answer to OP's question is yes, some people do date cheaters.

[Anonymous]

The expression “cheaters cheat themselves” is really true here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

DP- she “doubled down” on fixing the marriage without ever telling her husband the truth. The infidelity was just a catalyst to ending the marriage, it didn’t help her, and she could have divorced him first and preserved her integrity. Guess what- you can’t have a healthy, whole marriage while actively deceiving your spouse. Her husband very well could have instinctively known deep down that something was up- don’t women who are cheated on post this all the time??

BTW- I don’t have “black and white” thinking on the matter- I had an EA and it helped absolutely nothing, it was incredibly stupid and I came clean to DH, which was the only way to get past it. Sometimes we do stupid things and reach a low/crisis point that forces us to resolve issues- but it still would have been better to resolve said issues without the low/crisis/infidelity! It did so much damage.

+1. There is no possible way to save the marriage while lying about such a significant thing as infidelity.

OP assumes her husband didn't know about her cheating. All she knew is he didn't confront her about her cheating. I knew way more about my now ex's cheating than he thought I knew. He did therapy and revealed some things but concealed and lied about others. I left him because he continued to lie.

A person who conceals their own infidelity while "working" on the marriage is just engaging in performative therapy so that when they leave they can say it wasn't their fault. By lying in therapy, the cheater is still performing the core act of infidelity - lying to serve oneself while still being able to present a positive public face.

You have a very peculiar interest in other people’s personal lives. You should ask yourself why. And don’t tell me because you don’t want to see innocent children and spouses get hurt by the cheaters. No, that’s not it. You care because judging others is exhilarating to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.

Black and white thinking does you no favors.
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up.

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are).

DP- she “doubled down” on fixing the marriage without ever telling her husband the truth. The infidelity was just a catalyst to ending the marriage, it didn’t help her, and she could have divorced him first and preserved her integrity. Guess what- you can’t have a healthy, whole marriage while actively deceiving your spouse. Her husband very well could have instinctively known deep down that something was up- don’t women who are cheated on post this all the time??

BTW- I don’t have “black and white” thinking on the matter- I had an EA and it helped absolutely nothing, it was incredibly stupid and I came clean to DH, which was the only way to get past it. Sometimes we do stupid things and reach a low/crisis point that forces us to resolve issues- but it still would have been better to resolve said issues without the low/crisis/infidelity! It did so much damage.

+1. There is no possible way to save the marriage while lying about such a significant thing as infidelity.

OP assumes her husband didn't know about her cheating. All she knew is he didn't confront her about her cheating. I knew way more about my now ex's cheating than he thought I knew. He did therapy and revealed some things but concealed and lied about others. I left him because he continued to lie.

A person who conceals their own infidelity while "working" on the marriage is just engaging in performative therapy so that when they leave they can say it wasn't their fault. By lying in therapy, the cheater is still performing the core act of infidelity - lying to serve oneself while still being able to present a positive public face.

You have a very peculiar interest in other people’s personal lives. You should ask yourself why. And don’t tell me because you don’t want to see innocent children and spouses get hurt by the cheaters. No, that’s not it. You care because judging others is exhilarating to you.

NP- I hate when people respond this way- we are ALL opining on an anonymous website- you can’t shame someone for doing the EXACT SAME THING that you are doing!! Just give up and stop responding if all you have left is insults, you’ve already lost the argument.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t someone who cheated on their spouse. Well, dating is kind of a strong word. I was sleeping with her. She was pretty attractive, and I knew that she achieved on her spouse from a friend of mine who knew him. He was pretty broken up about it, but he was unaware that she was with me. I did not know him. I dumped her off as soon as someone better came along. She was really upset about it but that’s not my problem. Apparently she posted me on the are we dating the same guy Facebook page I don’t really care because she was a cheater anyways. And what was she going to post? I cheated on my husband and I met a guy who dumped me off after he used me for recreational use?