Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you're asking the question means YOU think it's a dealbreaker.

To a lot of people, it's not. But if this past history makes you worried he or she will cheat on you at some point... well, maybe you two are not a good match.

Yes true. Although I'm not looking for marriage, I fear I will have major trust issues and don't really want to deal with that. UGH.

Yes - it was husband who cheated.

NP. Re: the bold -- OP, you don't just "fear you will have major trust issues," you already DO have major trust issues around this man. The fact you've even posted at all shows you have misgivings and mistrust. Don't dismiss your own feelings.

The longer you keep seeing him, the more invested you could become. Cut your losses sooner, not later. Tell him that he needs to deal with whatever led to his cheating, and wish him well in doing so--on his own. It's fine for you to say out loud to him that his track record is too close to the one in your own marriage and that is creating trust issues which are insurmountable. If he claims he's changed, or that you're punishing him for your own DH's cheating, etc., just tell him coolly that whatever the reasons, you're not comfortable dating him, and you are at a point in life where you want to date without misgivings. Then don't overthink or over-talk it and don't let him continue contact, if he tries.

TL; DR: We're too old (and sadly experienced) to mess with hot men who have cheated. The track record sucks, however great the charm. Move on.

[Anonymous]

NOPE!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being in therapy is not indicative of someone's ability to be honest with themselves or the therapist. People can use therapy as a way to make themselves look good to others without any intention of doing the real work.

+1 A lot of people have a gym membership. A percentage of those people actually work out regularly.

[Anonymous]

My first wife had never cheated on anyone when we started dating. She cheated several times throughout our relationship.

My current wife (20+ years) had cheated on previous serious bf. She’s been a winderful, faithful wife.

You just never know.

[Anonymous]

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Ask them how they got caught. In person so they have to answer on the fly, not over the phone.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this would work for me under any circumstances but, especially in the “I’m sorry but I fell out of love scenario”. To me that’s someone who doesn’t know how to love in an adult, mature way and views the honeymoon/butterflies stage as love. I’d be out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this would work for me under any circumstances but, especially in the “I’m sorry but I fell out of love scenario”. To me that’s someone who doesn’t know how to love in an adult, mature way and views the honeymoon/butterflies stage as love. I’d be out.

I have a former friend like that. She had multiple affairs that her husband was clueless about. It was always the next big love. Although she was content to be in the big McMansion not working while “out of love”. Never a good enough person to see the harm or have empathy for the others she was harming, like her spouse and kids. She was having her cake and eating it too. When it all blew up—the “I was out of love” excuse was used (for years out of love and multiple betrayals??). I guess she kept being out of love with every affair partner eventually too.

OP- that is the type of person you are dealing with that cheats because it’s no longer “new relationship energy”. They seek dopamine hits from new partners and will again and again. I couldn’t deal with her drama and didn’t condone the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this would work for me under any circumstances but, especially in the “I’m sorry but I fell out of love scenario”. To me that’s someone who doesn’t know how to love in an adult, mature way and views the honeymoon/butterflies stage as love. I’d be out.

THIS, above, x1,000.

People worth being with are people who can love maturely and not feel compelled to recapture the "butterflies" stage over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you're asking the question means YOU think it's a dealbreaker.

To a lot of people, it's not. But if this past history makes you worried he or she will cheat on you at some point... well, maybe you two are not a good match.

Yes true. Although I'm not looking for marriage, I fear I will have major trust issues and don't really want to deal with that. UGH.

Yes - it was husband who cheated.

NP. Re: the bold -- OP, you don't just "fear you will have major trust issues," you already DO have major trust issues around this man. The fact you've even posted at all shows you have misgivings and mistrust. Don't dismiss your own feelings.

The longer you keep seeing him, the more invested you could become. Cut your losses sooner, not later. Tell him that he needs to deal with whatever led to his cheating, and wish him well in doing so--on his own. It's fine for you to say out loud to him that his track record is too close to the one in your own marriage and that is creating trust issues which are insurmountable. If he claims he's changed, or that you're punishing him for your own DH's cheating, etc., just tell him coolly that whatever the reasons, you're not comfortable dating him, and you are at a point in life where you want to date without misgivings. Then don't overthink or over-talk it and don't let him continue contact, if he tries.

TL; DR: We're too old (and sadly experienced) to mess with hot men who have cheated. The track record sucks, however great the charm. Move on.

I always appreciate the heartfelt, genuine advice here. The biggest flag on top of the cheating is that he was only caught because she snooped on him. He didn't come forward with it, which makes it all seem even worse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you're asking the question means YOU think it's a dealbreaker.

To a lot of people, it's not. But if this past history makes you worried he or she will cheat on you at some point... well, maybe you two are not a good match.

Yes true. Although I'm not looking for marriage, I fear I will have major trust issues and don't really want to deal with that. UGH.

Yes - it was husband who cheated.

NP. Re: the bold -- OP, you don't just "fear you will have major trust issues," you already DO have major trust issues around this man. The fact you've even posted at all shows you have misgivings and mistrust. Don't dismiss your own feelings.

The longer you keep seeing him, the more invested you could become. Cut your losses sooner, not later. Tell him that he needs to deal with whatever led to his cheating, and wish him well in doing so--on his own. It's fine for you to say out loud to him that his track record is too close to the one in your own marriage and that is creating trust issues which are insurmountable. If he claims he's changed, or that you're punishing him for your own DH's cheating, etc., just tell him coolly that whatever the reasons, you're not comfortable dating him, and you are at a point in life where you want to date without misgivings. Then don't overthink or over-talk it and don't let him continue contact, if he tries.

TL; DR: We're too old (and sadly experienced) to mess with hot men who have cheated. The track record sucks, however great the charm. Move on.

I always appreciate the heartfelt, genuine advice here. The biggest flag on top of the cheating is that he was only caught because she snooped on him. He didn't come forward with it, which makes it all seem even worse

That is bad - think about how ling he had to gaslight her before she snooped. Also, think about what it says about him as a person - she knew he would lie about it so she snooped instead of asking directly.

This guy is bad news. I would just say that you don't think you're a good fit for each other and move on. Don't let him engage you in discussion about why, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would literally peace out early on a date that told me this nonsense. He is a bad person who only quit because he got caught and seems to have no self awareness of his own failings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would literally peace out early on a date that told me this nonsense. He is a bad person who only quit because he got caught and seems to have no self awareness of his own failings.

Yep. His own wife didn’t think he was worth saving. The men that are truly remorseful and actively work every day, and do change are still with their wives. The ones that didn’t self-reflect, blamed the wife or the marriage or life, or were critical emotionally abusive a-holes, etc. -or got caught more than once, are the ones thrown back into the dating pool. This is guy an immature person that cheated and see it as “falling out of love” w/out knowing relationships evolve up and down over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact you're asking the question means YOU think it's a dealbreaker.

To a lot of people, it's not. But if this past history makes you worried he or she will cheat on you at some point... well, maybe you two are not a good match.

Yes true. Although I'm not looking for marriage, I fear I will have major trust issues and don't really want to deal with that. UGH.

Yes - it was husband who cheated.

NP. Re: the bold -- OP, you don't just "fear you will have major trust issues," you already DO have major trust issues around this man. The fact you've even posted at all shows you have misgivings and mistrust. Don't dismiss your own feelings.

The longer you keep seeing him, the more invested you could become. Cut your losses sooner, not later. Tell him that he needs to deal with whatever led to his cheating, and wish him well in doing so--on his own. It's fine for you to say out loud to him that his track record is too close to the one in your own marriage and that is creating trust issues which are insurmountable. If he claims he's changed, or that you're punishing him for your own DH's cheating, etc., just tell him coolly that whatever the reasons, you're not comfortable dating him, and you are at a point in life where you want to date without misgivings. Then don't overthink or over-talk it and don't let him continue contact, if he tries.

TL; DR: We're too old (and sadly experienced) to mess with hot men who have cheated. The track record sucks, however great the charm. Move on.

I always appreciate the heartfelt, genuine advice here. The biggest flag on top of the cheating is that he was only caught because she snooped on him. He didn't come forward with it, which makes it all seem even worse

That is bad - think about how ling he had to gaslight her before she snooped. Also, think about what it says about him as a person - she knew he would lie about it so she snooped instead of asking directly.

This guy is bad news. I would just say that you don't think you're a good fit for each other and move on. Don't let him engage you in discussion about why, etc.

Or she didn’t even snoop- he just did something completely stupid that she found, like texted the wrong person or OW called, etc. Narcs think they will never get caught. The longer they cheat- the more careless they get. I read it’s never usually the first affair that cheating women or men get caught—it’s always a subsequent one.

[Anonymous]

Nope