Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

Why would you want to be friends with someone so spineless as the fall under their sway? This is all helpful, presorting of people for you.

+1

The gatekeepers worst fear is people thinking for themselves and seeing what the gatekeeper really is - but the gatekeeper really is their own worst enemy because people can smell them a mile away. We've all been to middle school, years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

But that is just it. Gatekeepers only understand sheep - they don't understand non-sheep. People who do their own thing and have their own friends (sometimes, finding their own people after finding out how immature and stunted the gatekeepers are - a blessing, truly!) are non-sheep, so that is foreign to the gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are stunted to about age 13 - they will never have the mindset, brains, capability, or general where with all to see beyond about that age, socially.

No loss - they are doing the non-sheep a favor. People have moved to avoid less. I would move, if I ended up in one of these toxic neighborhoods - the cost is practically nothing, compared to living amongst a bunch of grown women who can't think for themselves, and want to drag others down with them.

So I live in one of these toxic neighborhoods, and I would gladly move, but there is a huge cost. I’d have to give up my low interest rate, home selling and buying expenses, the fact that housing prices have drastically risen since I purchased, and moving costs. Then there is no guarantee that I won’t end up in another neighborhood with some sort of crazy gatekeeper. My only hope for my current neighborhood is that another queen-bee type has moved in the past several years, and her social striving and climbing has been almost entertaining to see. She is currently “besties” with the main gatekeeper, but based on both of their personalities, there will be an implosion of that. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Is this a soriety kind of thing? I'm a foreigner too and have never been invited to a girls weekend or night out. I'm not part of their system, just someone with a weird accent.

Sorority? Yeah, I think so - it is that kind of vapid mentality. DP here. I would much prefer to hang with people who haven't lived down the street from their parents their whole lives, thank you. I mena, if you want to be judgy.

hee hee--this is so true in my community. they either bought near their parents or bought their parents house and now their parents live in the tony townhomes around the corner from them. since I don't want to be part of their group, I find them overall harmless and just play nice when I'm around them, and I know a few one on one, and they're fine. the gate is there because unless you either a) went to high school with them b) were in a sorority with a family member (cousin or sibling) of theirs or c) have some other mutual connection that gets you into the group, you're really not wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

But that is just it. Gatekeepers only understand sheep - they don't understand non-sheep. People who do their own thing and have their own friends (sometimes, finding their own people after finding out how immature and stunted the gatekeepers are - a blessing, truly!) are non-sheep, so that is foreign to the gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are stunted to about age 13 - they will never have the mindset, brains, capability, or general where with all to see beyond about that age, socially.

No loss - they are doing the non-sheep a favor. People have moved to avoid less. I would move, if I ended up in one of these toxic neighborhoods - the cost is practically nothing, compared to living amongst a bunch of grown women who can't think for themselves, and want to drag others down with them.

So I live in one of these toxic neighborhoods, and I would gladly move, but there is a huge cost. I’d have to give up my low interest rate, home selling and buying expenses, the fact that housing prices have drastically risen since I purchased, and moving costs. Then there is no guarantee that I won’t end up in another neighborhood with some sort of crazy gatekeeper. My only hope for my current neighborhood is that another queen-bee type has moved in the past several years, and her social striving and climbing has been almost entertaining to see. She is currently “besties” with the main gatekeeper, but based on both of their personalities, there will be an implosion of that. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

Get the popcorn, because it won't be long.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Is this a soriety kind of thing? I'm a foreigner too and have never been invited to a girls weekend or night out. I'm not part of their system, just someone with a weird accent.

Sorority? Yeah, I think so - it is that kind of vapid mentality. DP here. I would much prefer to hang with people who haven't lived down the street from their parents their whole lives, thank you. I mena, if you want to be judgy.

hee hee--this is so true in my community. they either bought near their parents or bought their parents house and now their parents live in the tony townhomes around the corner from them. since I don't want to be part of their group, I find them overall harmless and just play nice when I'm around them, and I know a few one on one, and they're fine. the gate is there because unless you either a) went to high school with them b) were in a sorority with a family member (cousin or sibling) of theirs or c) have some other mutual connection that gets you into the group, you're really not wanted.

So true - God forbid you are first generation or renting, or not one of the three categories, because then you are some sort of leper, apparently........

The people the gatekeeper doesn't pay attention to is the kind of person I do want to pay attention to - because they are so much more interesting than the gatekeeper and their ilk (who seem quite literally dirty to me).

[Anonymous]

Wondering what is so special about never having left one's hometown. Though, had I known, I certainly would have kept my childhood home - which was bought by my grandparents for much more in the 50's, and consequently worth much more - than the wealthiest areas in the DC/VA/MD area homes today. My MIL paid pennies on the dollar for her house in NVA, comparatively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks

Our Queen Bee neighbor dressed up everyone's mailbox for the holidays, with a seasonal covering over their mailbox. Did it without asking and that was another weird thing. Seems a bit aggressive. But not everyone. Not everyone was treated to her holiday gift. Just almost everyone. You could drive down our long street and see who was excluded.

Same with cul e sac parties. Twelve families will be on the email list. Two or three families --who live ON the cul de sac-- will be left off the list.

Omg, that's weird. I live on a busy street so there less opportunities for cliques and keeping up with the Joneses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

But that is just it. Gatekeepers only understand sheep - they don't understand non-sheep. People who do their own thing and have their own friends (sometimes, finding their own people after finding out how immature and stunted the gatekeepers are - a blessing, truly!) are non-sheep, so that is foreign to the gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are stunted to about age 13 - they will never have the mindset, brains, capability, or general where with all to see beyond about that age, socially.

No loss - they are doing the non-sheep a favor. People have moved to avoid less. I would move, if I ended up in one of these toxic neighborhoods - the cost is practically nothing, compared to living amongst a bunch of grown women who can't think for themselves, and want to drag others down with them.

So I live in one of these toxic neighborhoods, and I would gladly move, but there is a huge cost. I’d have to give up my low interest rate, home selling and buying expenses, the fact that housing prices have drastically risen since I purchased, and moving costs. Then there is no guarantee that I won’t end up in another neighborhood with some sort of crazy gatekeeper. My only hope for my current neighborhood is that another queen-bee type has moved in the past several years, and her social striving and climbing has been almost entertaining to see. She is currently “besties” with the main gatekeeper, but based on both of their personalities, there will be an implosion of that. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

+1 it’s really easy to say you’d move in theory but here in the real world, moving is more complicated and involves a ton of factors, and also, if you’re really so above the queen bee, why move when you like your house - are you going to let the queen bee have that kind of power over you?
I stayed in my own neighborhood with psycho queen bee dynamics and like this pp, i too at this point just gleefully await the inevitable implosion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

But that is just it. Gatekeepers only understand sheep - they don't understand non-sheep. People who do their own thing and have their own friends (sometimes, finding their own people after finding out how immature and stunted the gatekeepers are - a blessing, truly!) are non-sheep, so that is foreign to the gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are stunted to about age 13 - they will never have the mindset, brains, capability, or general where with all to see beyond about that age, socially.

No loss - they are doing the non-sheep a favor. People have moved to avoid less. I would move, if I ended up in one of these toxic neighborhoods - the cost is practically nothing, compared to living amongst a bunch of grown women who can't think for themselves, and want to drag others down with them.

So I live in one of these toxic neighborhoods, and I would gladly move, but there is a huge cost. I’d have to give up my low interest rate, home selling and buying expenses, the fact that housing prices have drastically risen since I purchased, and moving costs. Then there is no guarantee that I won’t end up in another neighborhood with some sort of crazy gatekeeper. My only hope for my current neighborhood is that another queen-bee type has moved in the past several years, and her social striving and climbing has been almost entertaining to see. She is currently “besties” with the main gatekeeper, but based on both of their personalities, there will be an implosion of that. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.

+1 it’s really easy to say you’d move in theory but here in the real world, moving is more complicated and involves a ton of factors, and also, if you’re really so above the queen bee, why move when you like your house - are you going to let the queen bee have that kind of power over you?
I stayed in my own neighborhood with psycho queen bee dynamics and like this pp, i too at this point just gleefully await the inevitable implosion.

I think people are saying that if they were given the choice (assuming there are options, not everyone has options) people in these situations would move to a neighborhood with fewer stunted SAHMs (not all SAHMs are stunted, but there are enough examples here).