Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've read that its part of evolution. A group has to guard the tribe and keep outsiders out.

How... primitive.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

OMG I have completely noticed this in our community as well! Especially with the PTA. Someone acts like this, husband is moving out soon.

Or wife is a beard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

NP here. F that. Don't let them decide that this is their class. Take it back from them. Start referring to them as the "smock ladies" or "smock #1" and "smock #2" etc. Like "Hey smockie, can you pass me the sponge" or asking your instructor "will we get a chance on the wheel once the smocks are finished"? That will get the insecure ones leaving their smocks at home real quick and the queen bee looking dumb in her smock every class thereafter.

I love this. My guess is that you grew up in a large family -- one benefit is that you learn to push back

Believe it or not, I am an only child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

OMG I have completely noticed this in our community as well! Especially with the PTA. Someone acts like this, husband is moving out soon.

Or wife is a beard.

There is a couple in our neighborhood that I wonder about. The wife is BFFs with a recently divorced mom and they raise their kids like sister wives. They do everything together. And the husband of the married one doesn't seem like a prize. I am convinced he is the beard. Can you use "beard" to describe a man in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

NP here. F that. Don't let them decide that this is their class. Take it back from them. Start referring to them as the "smock ladies" or "smock #1" and "smock #2" etc. Like "Hey smockie, can you pass me the sponge" or asking your instructor "will we get a chance on the wheel once the smocks are finished"? That will get the insecure ones leaving their smocks at home real quick and the queen bee looking dumb in her smock every class thereafter.

I love this. My guess is that you grew up in a large family -- one benefit is that you learn to push back

+1

Usually. I push back, and happen to be from a large family, but I know people who do not expect me to push back, because I don't fit their narrative of what I allegedly "should" be acting like - of course, hilarity ensues, because the smockies (I am adopting that term, thank you, PP) are so predictable. DP here.

The bolded summarizes them very well! Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

OMG I have completely noticed this in our community as well! Especially with the PTA. Someone acts like this, husband is moving out soon.

Or wife is a beard.

There is a couple in our neighborhood that I wonder about. The wife is BFFs with a recently divorced mom and they raise their kids like sister wives. They do everything together. And the husband of the married one doesn't seem like a prize. I am convinced he is the beard. Can you use "beard" to describe a man in this situation?

Maybe. Those I know have commonalities (obviously not universal) - doctors with really great hair, who happen to be short and cocky, but this could be anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kids were in grade school in Alexandria there was a shadow Facebook group of the 'in' moms. I was included (lord knows why) and the posts in there would make your mouth drop. I once saw a senior counsel at a well known firm refer to another mom (not in the club) as a fat, cellulite covered beyotch. I saw moms lobbying for their kids to get on the special travel teams, etc. I saw a McKinsey executive ridicule a woman for having three redheads.

It was insane.

Yup. This happens, and unless you see it for yourself, it sounds like a really bad telenovela. The men can be more catty than the women, and they feed off each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

Hockey and lax are essentially working class sports (lots of head shots on young brains), but you need to have quite a bit of money to play them. They attract the cultural set that values a $70K pickup truck, white wine moms, big houses, big SUVs, etc.

So true! Thanks for the laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read that its part of evolution. A group has to guard the tribe and keep outsiders out.

How... primitive.....

I do think that people with some self-awareness will realize when they're doing this and correct course. But our biology is pretty powerful and there's no shame in enjoying your "high status" and whatnot. But you can simply realize that this goes counter to your belief in the dignity of all humans and choose not to act on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

Lol

DP here. I don't have to attend. I can picture it perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read that its part of evolution. A group has to guard the tribe and keep outsiders out.

How... primitive.....

I do think that people with some self-awareness will realize when they're doing this and correct course. But our biology is pretty powerful and there's no shame in enjoying your "high status" and whatnot. But you can simply realize that this goes counter to your belief in the dignity of all humans and choose not to act on it.

Since when should dignity and high status be mutually exclusive? I mean, they are making complete asses of themselves, and proud of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

Hockey and lax are essentially working class sports (lots of head shots on young brains), but you need to have quite a bit of money to play them. They attract the cultural set that values a $70K pickup truck, white wine moms, big houses, big SUVs, etc.

Amazing insight. I’m from Canada and this is true of hockey, l didn’t know about LAX. How about football? Lots of head trauma there as well. This was true of rugby as well in Canada. Add a speed boat as well to the $70k pickup.

[Anonymous]

“Smockie.” That was my post, the original story. Think I am gonna use that. It’s such a funny word if you keep saying it. Smock smock smock

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can ask the gatekeepers to give you a blonde make over.

I loved that show! I'm going to have to rewatch it now.

BAHAHAHAHA - "was getting my PhD at Vassar, but then I met Molly at a shoe sale, and look at me now!"

Dying.

[Anonymous]

The best part of the gatekeeper psychology is that it happens everywhere, and people know it when they smell it. The PPs who are defending this idiocy are outing themselves. What grown adult would be proud to act like this?

Damaged goods.