Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I call them "Queen Bees" and they are insufferable.

I call them "Smockies". (DP)

[Anonymous]

she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks

Our Queen Bee neighbor dressed up everyone's mailbox for the holidays, with a seasonal covering over their mailbox. Did it without asking and that was another weird thing. Seems a bit aggressive. But not everyone. Not everyone was treated to her holiday gift. Just almost everyone. You could drive down our long street and see who was excluded.

Same with cul e sac parties. Twelve families will be on the email list. Two or three families --who live ON the cul de sac-- will be left off the list.

[Anonymous]

Sigh....I think the white middle aged, middle class women are the absolute worst...they drive me crazy in my neighborhood with their crazy "exclusive" cliques and social engineering and they drive me crazy at work. I'd much rather be with a diverse group of people. Unfortunately, I work with young children (the mecca for white middle aged women to work) and am stuck in my neighborhood until the kids go to college. My personal theory is that middle aged women have lost the power of their looks/youth...and so find whatever means necessary to yield any power they have.

-signed, a white middle aged woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh....I think the white middle aged, middle class women are the absolute worst...they drive me crazy in my neighborhood with their crazy "exclusive" cliques and social engineering and they drive me crazy at work. I'd much rather be with a diverse group of people. Unfortunately, I work with young children (the mecca for white middle aged women to work) and am stuck in my neighborhood until the kids go to college. My personal theory is that middle aged women have lost the power of their looks/youth...and so find whatever means necessary to yield any power they have.

-signed, a white middle aged woman

This is a good theory.

Also, the PP neighbor who decorated mailboxes. Sounds like something my queen bee neighbor would do. And make sure to leave people out too!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

Is OP asking to be best friends with them? She’s just asking for basic politeness at kids’ activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

Is OP asking to be best friends with them? She’s just asking for basic politeness at kids’ activities.

That’s just face-saving spin so OP can conceal her status consciousness and striving. But we all know OP (and people like OP) want to be in the in-crowd. If these were poor or lower status parental peers OP wouldn’t care less. Poor and low status parents are invisible to OP, OP focuses on the higher status parents with clout, not the irrelevant proles.

People have their cliques, their comfort zones, and enjoy their friend groups. I don’t know how this is news to anyone older than age 13. Middle aged interlopers still fuming about not being able to sit at the cool table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh....I think the white middle aged, middle class women are the absolute worst...they drive me crazy in my neighborhood with their crazy "exclusive" cliques and social engineering and they drive me crazy at work. I'd much rather be with a diverse group of people. Unfortunately, I work with young children (the mecca for white middle aged women to work) and am stuck in my neighborhood until the kids go to college. My personal theory is that middle aged women have lost the power of their looks/youth...and so find whatever means necessary to yield any power they have.

-signed, a white middle aged woman

Maybe you stop being a racist and actually get to know people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

Is OP asking to be best friends with them? She’s just asking for basic politeness at kids’ activities.

That’s just face-saving spin so OP can conceal her status consciousness and striving. But we all know OP (and people like OP) want to be in the in-crowd. If these were poor or lower status parental peers OP wouldn’t care less. Poor and low status parents are invisible to OP, OP focuses on the higher status parents with clout, not the irrelevant proles.

People have their cliques, their comfort zones, and enjoy their friend groups. I don’t know how this is news to anyone older than age 13. Middle aged interlopers still fuming about not being able to sit at the cool table.

Wow. Mailbox Mom found the thread.

FYI, she wasn’t asking to be part of your lunch table. She was ask why you can’t smile and say hello in passing. Like civilized adults.

[Anonymous]

The last few posts have been unnecessarily trite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

Why would you want to be friends with someone so spineless as the fall under their sway? This is all helpful, presorting of people for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I can turn it around on you:

Why do you think you’re entitled to friendship with women you don’t know? Sounds pretty delusional, to me. Like a guy who thinks he should be able to get the phone number from any woman he sees.

Honestly, there are only so many hours in a day. Once you have your chill and really tight clique and a routine with them, why waste time or energy making new friends? You’re content and in a good space. Looking for more friends would seem thirsty and suggest you’re not happy with your current friends. And broadening your friend group just waters down the actual bonds, you know; if not also invites additional drama and stress.

What you are missing is that the gatekeepers work to prevent friendships with OTHER people.

When I’ve encountered this, the whole problem is that I don’t want to be friends with the gatekeeper because they are gossipy (I hate gossip) and feel transactional and seem to lack boundaries. Those are all huge turn offs.

But then if I start to become friends with someone else in the community, the gatekeepers will try to prevent it from happening, through gossip and exclusion, because they feel threatened by a relationship that doesn’t flow through them. They sense my dislike and it makes them mad.

The gatekeepers are the source of stress and drama. Without them, people would form friendships or not but everyone would make their own choices. The gatekeeper fears that if this happened, they wouldn’t have friends, or “enough” friends, and it terrifies them. So they seek to control everyone to guarantee their social circle. Often lots of people complain about the gatekeepers and don’t even seem to like them. Yet they exert control through social tactics.

+1

Well said. The funny part, is the gate keepers do not really have as much control as they think they do, and people do not really like them, on the whole because GK are not good people, they are just a nuisance - always looking for agreement and cheering on - so tiresome! As long as you are a "yes" person, you are "in" - the moment you speak up for yourself, forget it. Who needs that? Besides, their parties are more of the same, so they suck. You really are not missing anything.

On the contrary - gatekeepers absolutely have as much power as they think they do, which is why these dynamics happen.
Are they not good people and secretly disliked - yes, you are right about that.
But do they have power over everyone else who’s worried about being on the “outs” otherwise at their neighborhood or school or whatever? Absolutely, unfortunately. Sheep gonna sheep.

But that is just it. Gatekeepers only understand sheep - they don't understand non-sheep. People who do their own thing and have their own friends (sometimes, finding their own people after finding out how immature and stunted the gatekeepers are - a blessing, truly!) are non-sheep, so that is foreign to the gatekeepers. Gatekeepers are stunted to about age 13 - they will never have the mindset, brains, capability, or general where with all to see beyond about that age, socially.

No loss - they are doing the non-sheep a favor. People have moved to avoid less. I would move, if I ended up in one of these toxic neighborhoods - the cost is practically nothing, compared to living amongst a bunch of grown women who can't think for themselves, and want to drag others down with them.