Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

[Anonymous]

Was the mention of age really necessary OP? I think not.

I often notice a dynamic on DCUM of older women being criticized or disrespected by younger moms. Like they have lost value by aging.

Can we try to support each other?

[Anonymous]

Is this a girls’ game/team?

I have all boys and I’m often the only mom there. It’s mostly dads who are a helluva lot annoying criticizing other players and trash talking kids who threaten their kid’s position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've experienced this but never thought of it as gatekeeping.

I think these are the kinds of things you are talking about:

I am chatting with Person A (who I don't know terribly well but we're having a nice time) and Person B comes over and starts a conversation with Person A where I am cut out and can't participate and am left standing there. Usually insider stuff about their kids and teams, etc.

I have met Person C a couple of times and when I see Person C sitting with a group they don't bother to even wave hello and say hi when I walk right by the group and they obviously see me.

This kind of thing right?

I have always just thought these people are rude a-holes and never thought of it as gatekeeping. I think they are doing me a favor by showing me who they are. And then I go hang out with people who are not like that.

I try to be very inclusive when this happens (scenario 1). If I'm talking to someone and my other friend or acquaintance approaches and starts a conversation with me, I try to make sure the first person is included in the conversation. Because yes, this has definitely happened to me many times (as the one who is suddenly the 3rd wheel when a new person joins the group).I am, however, terrible at making introductions. I have a mental block or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can ask the gatekeepers to give you a blonde make over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

Is this a very high SES area? Like I can’t imagine anyone around my neighborhood doing this kind of crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can ask the gatekeepers to give you a blonde make over.

Old Christine: I feel like I should be married to a Trump.

Blonde Frenemy One: You're welcome.

Blonde Frenemy Two: No problem.

Classic tv from 2010. What a prediction!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the mention of age really necessary OP? I think not.

I often notice a dynamic on DCUM of older women being criticized or disrespected by younger moms. Like they have lost value by aging.

Can we try to support each other?

If they only knew how freaking awesome it is they would look forward to it! Its ok. If they are lucky, father time will come for them too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

Is this a very high SES area? Like I can’t imagine anyone around my neighborhood doing this kind of crap.

Yes, it’s in Fairfax County. It is something I’d never imagine either because it’s so many DCUM clichés, but these people are real. It’s two deeply toxic people married to each other who bring out the worst in each other. Usually a loud, obnoxious, one-upper, BSer will have a spouse who is nice and normal and balances him out. Or the Uber competitive queen-bee wife has a laid back husband. These are two of them married to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

This made me laugh!!
NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

This made me laugh!!
NP

I died at this too because my cousin was just posting pics of her…girls trip to Nashville

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the mention of age really necessary OP? I think not.

I often notice a dynamic on DCUM of older women being criticized or disrespected by younger moms. Like they have lost value by aging.

Can we try to support each other?