Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

They gatekeep to ensure miserable people like the poster above don't ruin their group.

Smart move by the gatekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

Probably because they’ve experienced cliquish white moms and know not to bother anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her half-Asian 3 year is left out and ig ored by other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

So they make assumptions about an entire race based on the behavior of a few?

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

Probably because they’ve experienced cliquish white moms and know not to bother anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

Try a fitness class to make friends. Or at least get off dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

This happened to a friend of mine. Her half-Asian 3 year is left out and ig ored by other parents.

I’ve seen this as well. 100 percent Asian moms stick together and not friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

So they make assumptions about an entire race based on the behavior of a few?

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

Probably because they’ve experienced cliquish white moms and know not to bother anymore.

Why the repeat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

So they make assumptions about an entire race based on the behavior of a few?

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

Probably because they’ve experienced cliquish white moms and know not to bother anymore.

So they make assumptions about an entire race based on the behavior of a few?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be thankful or you might get invited to their girls weekend in Nashville.

Omg. So funny. My friends arranged trip to TN. What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can ask the gatekeepers to give you a blonde make over.

I loved that show! I'm going to have to rewatch it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

Probably because they’ve experienced cliquish white moms and know not to bother anymore.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the mention of age really necessary OP? I think not.

I often notice a dynamic on DCUM of older women being criticized or disrespected by younger moms. Like they have lost value by aging.

Can we try to support each other?

The mention of age is important to illustrate that these aren’t teenagers who don’t know better. I am the same age as these women, so it’s certainly not a dog against the age period in general.