Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

PP with the crazy neighborhood here. So a few factors are at play - 1) The neighborhood is smaller and features a pretty heavily social neighborhood center. 2) Everyone knows everyone in the neighborhood and many people recognize that the social engineering/gatekeeping couple are crazy. However, the issue is families with kids in elementary school are the ones most impacted by the couple. Joe Blow whose kids are in college can say “Anna and Todd are raging lunatics and I’m not going to involve myself in their shenanigans.” However, those with elementary age kids quickly realize that you fall in line or be exiled. It does sound like a telenova, but it’s the truth. I should write a book!

This is going to be my mantra going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best part of the gatekeeper psychology is that it happens everywhere, and people know it when they smell it. The PPs who are defending this idiocy are outing themselves. What grown adult would be proud to act like this?

Damaged goods.

So true. I had a bad experience with gatekeepers through a job I had in my early 30s. Similar situation -- there were a couple people at the "top" of the company's social hierarchy, and they were really into social engineering and would do stuff like throw an annual party that you had to "earn" an invite to (like the first year or two you were at the company, you would not be invited, and then one day they would decide you merited an invite and this would be conveyed to you "officially" and you were supposed to act very flatter/excited). They also tried to orchestrate friendships between certain people, like one of them would invite you out for coffee and then "set you up" with someone else a the company like "I decided you two need to be friends." Not romantic, but just like they had this vision of how the social scene at this place should be.

Also, if you tried to just stay out of this stuff, like just not socialize with work people or just politely decline invitations, they would start rumors that you were rude and hated everyone there. Plus one of them was in management and would get you blackballed from certain assignments or projects if they decided you were not enough of a "team player" which for them meant participating in all this extra-curricular stuff and, importantly, kissing up to them and flattering their ego.

It was stressful, invasive, and weird, and it was such a huge relief when I left that company and instead got to be normal again.

Now I am very aware of the tendencies toward this kind of behavior and if I pick up on it, I back away slowly and then keep my distance. These are the people I assume would volunteer as informers to the Stasi under an authoritarian regime. I want nothing to do with them.

+1

PP here. Totally agree. I don't know why anyone would want to be "friends" with such vapid people. They look right through you, like you haven't lived down the street from them for years. GMAFB. You aren't who you think you are - you are a miserable excuse for a human, and everyone (EVERY one) feels the same way about you. Find real friends that are not wrapped up in that nonsense and know how to behave like a civilized human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

This has happened to me before. It's shockingly rude, and I don't understand why people do it, or what it is about me that brings it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

DP here. I don't think it necessarily has to do with wealth, but those who think that they are better than they really are. If you are truly better - you know how to treat people - not these weirdos. They get off on excluding people. Truth is, I have been to their "parties" - you are missing absolutely nothing. same crap, different day. Hang out with people who lift you up, not drag you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

This has happened to me before. It's shockingly rude, and I don't understand why people do it, or what it is about me that brings it on.

It is simply because it has been done to them. They know you are shocked by the ill behavior, just like they were, and they are trying to leave you speechless. Just walk away. Done. And done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it either but I give them a wide berth and consider myself warned. Their loss.

Wide berth makes me think of wide set, child birthing hips. I know berth and birth are spelled differently, but I can’t help it. I know I’m not alone. As a result, please refrain from using the phrase on this forum. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

This has happened to me before. It's shockingly rude, and I don't understand why people do it, or what it is about me that brings it on.

Consider this a blessing in disguise. I am very well off and these type of cliques nauseate me. I would say hello to you day one FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

They gatekeep to ensure miserable people like the poster above don't ruin their group.

Smart move by the gatekeeper.

Thanks for being Exhibit A!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

This exactly happened to me. I was very good friends with the woman (queen bee) and her husband grew up in the area and was exactly like this. She purposely excluded my child from something and because I was better at meeting people she would often do exactly what you’re saying. It got to the point where she was excluding me. I completely backed off from the friendship and that group. I saw people on an individual basis in the group and I just starting making new friends in my neighborhood that weren’t in a group. I had always been friendly to everyone so I had a lot of acquaintances outside of the group I start to make plans with. Fast forward five years later, that group no longer exists. That woman has very, very few friends and my own family knows so many people and we are in lots of social circles. Just do the right thing and treat people
how you want to be treated consistently. I often invited a friend who didn’t have many friends to things I was included in, and this was for various reasons, maybe they just moved here or were very shy. Treat everyone the same, don’t show preference for people in the main group. People remember how you made them feel and I certainly know many who are always reaching to be friends with a certain crowd. Sometimes dynamics shift as it did in my case but I think if you realize your community is going to be around for a long time you see the importance of
building positive relationships with everyone. You never know how your paths might cross later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Is this a soriety kind of thing? I'm a foreigner too and have never been invited to a girls weekend or night out. I'm not part of their system, just someone with a weird accent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Is this a soriety kind of thing? I'm a foreigner too and have never been invited to a girls weekend or night out. I'm not part of their system, just someone with a weird accent.

Sorority? Yeah, I think so - it is that kind of vapid mentality. DP here. I would much prefer to hang with people who haven't lived down the street from their parents their whole lives, thank you. I mena, if you want to be judgy.

[Anonymous]

*mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

PP with the crazy neighborhood here. So a few factors are at play - 1) The neighborhood is smaller and features a pretty heavily social neighborhood center. 2) Everyone knows everyone in the neighborhood and many people recognize that the social engineering/gatekeeping couple are crazy. However, the issue is families with kids in elementary school are the ones most impacted by the couple. Joe Blow whose kids are in college can say “Anna and Todd are raging lunatics and I’m not going to involve myself in their shenanigans.” However, those with elementary age kids quickly realize that you fall in line or be exiled. It does sound like a telenova, but it’s the truth. I should write a book!

My neighborhood is also like this - not the same one unless you are in suburban raleigh lol - and it truly is hard to believe unless you’ve lived it first hand. It gets so much better once the kids enter middle school and you can tune the families out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

PP with the crazy neighborhood here. So a few factors are at play - 1) The neighborhood is smaller and features a pretty heavily social neighborhood center. 2) Everyone knows everyone in the neighborhood and many people recognize that the social engineering/gatekeeping couple are crazy. However, the issue is families with kids in elementary school are the ones most impacted by the couple. Joe Blow whose kids are in college can say “Anna and Todd are raging lunatics and I’m not going to involve myself in their shenanigans.” However, those with elementary age kids quickly realize that you fall in line or be exiled. It does sound like a telenova, but it’s the truth. I should write a book!

My neighborhood is also like this - not the same one unless you are in suburban raleigh lol - and it truly is hard to believe unless you’ve lived it first hand. It gets so much better once the kids enter middle school and you can tune the families out.

+1

Those neighborhoods tend to have high turnover. One can sense the socially stunted moms (vs. the friendly or not socially inept moms).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

I call them "Queen Bees" and they are insufferable.