Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i had a mom of one of my kids friends walk up to me and tell me she wasn't open to new mom friends as she already had enough - I had in no way indicated that I wanted to be her "friend" People are weird and need to stop living through their kids

I've heard this from a woman who I've not really reached out to beyond being nice. I still wonder if she was giving me a warning or just talking. It is such a ridiculous stance "I have enough friends" so what, think that to yourself. I am not searching for friends either but don't declare it, just live life. If you meet someone you enjoy being with you'll obviously make space in your circle.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Why are you chastising middle aged women as being social hate keepers in Particular ?

I am pretty sure that there are many men on the Chevy chase country club board (and other snobby country clubs) where people get black balled for different reasons.

There were private social clubs in DC that were men only, and by invite only, until very recently . Some may still exist.

I don’t think that social exclusion is monopolized by women.

We all need to practice being more friendly and inclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Why are you chastising middle aged women as being social hate keepers in Particular ?

I am pretty sure that there are many men on the Chevy chase country club board (and other snobby country clubs) where people get black balled for different reasons.

There were private social clubs in DC that were men only, and by invite only, until very recently . Some may still exist.

I don’t think that social exclusion is monopolized by women.

We all need to practice being more friendly and inclusive.

^^^ gate not hate keepers … 😀

[Anonymous]

We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

Most people aren’t like this, though. I’m glad for the neighbors who have become friends - these are the people who I list as emergency contacts for my kids, who make up the supportive fabric of our community. There are a few here and there I find difficult, but mostly, having a neighborly community is a positive thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

Hockey and lax are essentially working class sports (lots of head shots on young brains), but you need to have quite a bit of money to play them. They attract the cultural set that values a $70K pickup truck, white wine moms, big houses, big SUVs, etc.

Amazing insight. I’m from Canada and this is true of hockey, l didn’t know about LAX. How about football? Lots of head trauma there as well. This was true of rugby as well in Canada. Add a speed boat as well to the $70k pickup.

Football is different in the US because it is frequently organized by school teams and therefore you get a lot more socioeconomic and racial diversity. The school district will absorb the lion’s share of the costs.

Hockey and lacrosse are notoriously upper middle class sports in the US due to expense for equipment, facilities, travel tournaments, etc. But there’s still a brutish blue collar sensibility with those sports, given the physical nature and hits to the head. I played ice hockey in the US and all of my teammates were decently well off, but usually in blue collar trades - dad owned a construction or plumbing company, or the family owned some gas stations. That’s enough to get an expensive truck or a nice boat, plus put your kids through parochial private school.

Kids don’t play rugby in the US. Everyone I know who played rugby at a competitive level - mostly foreigners living in the US - is a lunatic and has serious physical issues from injury. Lots of suicide among rugby players, likely from CTE. I’d let my kid play American football before ever letting them play rugby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best part of the gatekeeper psychology is that it happens everywhere, and people know it when they smell it. The PPs who are defending this idiocy are outing themselves. What grown adult would be proud to act like this?

Damaged goods.

So true. I had a bad experience with gatekeepers through a job I had in my early 30s. Similar situation -- there were a couple people at the "top" of the company's social hierarchy, and they were really into social engineering and would do stuff like throw an annual party that you had to "earn" an invite to (like the first year or two you were at the company, you would not be invited, and then one day they would decide you merited an invite and this would be conveyed to you "officially" and you were supposed to act very flatter/excited). They also tried to orchestrate friendships between certain people, like one of them would invite you out for coffee and then "set you up" with someone else a the company like "I decided you two need to be friends." Not romantic, but just like they had this vision of how the social scene at this place should be.

Also, if you tried to just stay out of this stuff, like just not socialize with work people or just politely decline invitations, they would start rumors that you were rude and hated everyone there. Plus one of them was in management and would get you blackballed from certain assignments or projects if they decided you were not enough of a "team player" which for them meant participating in all this extra-curricular stuff and, importantly, kissing up to them and flattering their ego.

It was stressful, invasive, and weird, and it was such a huge relief when I left that company and instead got to be normal again.

Now I am very aware of the tendencies toward this kind of behavior and if I pick up on it, I back away slowly and then keep my distance. These are the people I assume would volunteer as informers to the Stasi under an authoritarian regime. I want nothing to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

That is awful. Sorry PP.

Glad the kids are pleasant and kind.

I hope this changes for you but this parent community sound like a tough crowd.

We have had our kids at 3 different privates as well as public and we made friends at all of them through volunteering and attending stuff. It sounds like you do that already. If you don’t mind not hanging with the popular crowd, there are often cool people (smart/ creative/ quirky) more on the social margins. I tend to prefer the more eccentric and warm people anyway.

I bet there are others at your school who feel the same way. Maybe you could talk to the head of the parent association about starting a walking club after drop off or whatever works for you ?

Anyway, sorry your school parent community is so cliquish. That is tough when the school is a good fit for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We moved our kids from a public school to a private school during the pandemic. Most of the parents at this school are very high SES and their kids have been at the school for several years. I have always been pretty outgoing and have been able to easily make friends or at least acquaintances everywhere I have been, well except at this school. The parents, particularly the women, are next level cliquish and exclusive. We have been at the school for about two years, and I have made zero friends and am only on a passing hello basis with two women who are seemingly not in any of the cliques. I have tried to forge a relationship with the two of them beyond this and have been given the cold shoulder. The others are unlike anyone I have ever seen. It is like they are wearing blinders and only see the people who are already in their group. We have attended every event, smiled, said hello to people, and tried to look for any little in or thread to start a conversation and there is just nothing. They don’t even make eye contact with us or acknowledge our presence in any way. My kids play sports and we sit with everyone in the stands and they just look over us and talk around us. When we have all been standing in a group before or after games, they don’t just have general conversations that anyone can join like at our old school. It is always some individualized conversation about someone’s trip or some such thing. And worst of all, at two parties we went to, we were finally able to start a conversation with someone, but both times, some rude woman literally stepped in front of us like we were invisible and started talking to that person without apologizing or saying anything to us.

I have, on the other, seen a few other new families come in and be immediately accepted into the group. But they are usually other wealthy families. It seems like these women have very keen tells of who is one of them and who isn’t. We must just have it stamped on our foreheads that we are only UMC. Anyway, if the education my kids were receiving wasn’t excellent, we would be out of there in a millisecond. These are clearly not our people. Surprisingly though, the kids are kind, supportive of one another, and inclusive. They could really teach their parents a lesson.?

That is awful. Sorry PP.

Glad the kids are pleasant and kind.

I hope this changes for you but this parent community sound like a tough crowd.

We have had our kids at 3 different privates as well as public and we made friends at all of them through volunteering and attending stuff. It sounds like you do that already. If you don’t mind not hanging with the popular crowd, there are often cool people (smart/ creative/ quirky) more on the social margins. I tend to prefer the more eccentric and warm people anyway.

I bet there are others at your school who feel the same way. Maybe you could talk to the head of the parent association about starting a walking club after drop off or whatever works for you ?

Anyway, sorry your school parent community is so cliquish. That is tough when the school is a good fit for your kids.

Thanks PP, you are very kind. Unfortunately, the people I described are the gatekeepers to all of the social events and even the kids’ playing time in sports (since their DHs are the coaches). I think you are right that there probably are some more down to earth people, but we really haven’t had the chance to meet them because they never come to anything. Can’t imagine why.

[Anonymous]

our synagogue is kind of like this, but you have to just cut through the crap until you find nice, down to earth people. they're there. like the PP at the private school. just blow past the gatekeepers (you don't want to be friends with them or their friends anyway bc they're all snobby and stuck in high school) and look for the nicer, down to earth folks. I'm sure they are in there somewhere!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of middle aged? This happens at all ages.

Yeah the nursing home cliques can be brutal.

My 85 year old parents live in an apartment complex for 65+. It's mostly people aged 75+. There's lots of social activities and daily continental breakfast, so they're intermingling a lot. And yes, the cliques are bad. There's tons of gossip and gatekeeping going on. They thought about moving but their friends in other places said don't bother, it's like that everywhere.

My father experienced that. He gave up, stuck with his existing couple of friends, and luckily had my mother and family nearby. When he died and my mother moved on to another place, I could see it in play. A friend told me how her mother’s assisted living had to do seat assignments at lunch and dinner because of it. Otherwise it would get out of control and end up in their Internet reviews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's the point of middle aged? This happens at all ages.

Yeah the nursing home cliques can be brutal.

My 85 year old parents live in an apartment complex for 65+. It's mostly people aged 75+. There's lots of social activities and daily continental breakfast, so they're intermingling a lot. And yes, the cliques are bad. There's tons of gossip and gatekeeping going on. They thought about moving but their friends in other places said don't bother, it's like that everywhere.

My father experienced that. He gave up, stuck with his existing couple of friends, and luckily had my mother and family nearby. When he died and my mother moved on to another place, I could see it in play. A friend told me how her mother’s assisted living had to do seat assignments at lunch and dinner because of it. Otherwise it would get out of control and end up in their Internet reviews.

Omg - high school never ends!!!! 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:our synagogue is kind of like this, but you have to just cut through the crap until you find nice, down to earth people. they're there. like the PP at the private school. just blow past the gatekeepers (you don't want to be friends with them or their friends anyway bc they're all snobby and stuck in high school) and look for the nicer, down to earth folks. I'm sure they are in there somewhere!

Other PP and I agree …

You may be the crack in the glossy patina of this school’s parent community that lets the light in - and frees up other friendly inclusive parents to create a new vibe …

Plus I don’t think the private schools want to get this kind of reputation for parent communities that don’t welcome everyone … I really would talk to the head of whatever level of school your kids are in plus parent association rep to discuss your experiences and brainstorm ways to make the community more welcoming … they would probably appreciate being made aware of the situation so they can address it …

Good luck PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is fascinating. The idea that one of my neighbors would somehow have any say on my family's social life is really odd. But, we've never really tried to be friends with people in our neighborhood, so maybe we're missing out on a whole mess of vipers?

PP with the crazy neighborhood here. So a few factors are at play - 1) The neighborhood is smaller and features a pretty heavily social neighborhood center. 2) Everyone knows everyone in the neighborhood and many people recognize that the social engineering/gatekeeping couple are crazy. However, the issue is families with kids in elementary school are the ones most impacted by the couple. Joe Blow whose kids are in college can say “Anna and Todd are raging lunatics and I’m not going to involve myself in their shenanigans.” However, those with elementary age kids quickly realize that you fall in line or be exiled. It does sound like a telenova, but it’s the truth. I should write a book!