Middle aged friendship gatekeepers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear about this on dcum but I’m not convinced it’s a thing. What does happen is when established friends have a group, it can be tough to break in. But that’s not associated with a school or activity and it’s more about logistics than anything personal. If you’re new, you need to be proactive and be sure to reciprocate invites and such.

It is so a thing.
As a European expat living in Bethesda (now no longer) I was treated like a total outsider for the whole decade I lived in a house I owned. People would say crazy stuff like "are you going HOME this summer?" and I'd be like, er, no, this is my home. Gatekeeping, just a variation.

Yet DCUMers pride themselves how inclusive they all are towards newcomers and how closed off European friendship circles are. The irony!

[Anonymous]

I've read that its part of evolution. A group has to guard the tribe and keep outsiders out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly have not experienced much cliquishness like this among middle aged women. Occasionally I'll meet two women who are friends with each other and don't seem interested in talking to anyone else. But when it's just two, it doesn't feel like a clique to me even if the effect might still be to leave others out or be harder to approach.

But I definitely find women in this age group (40s, with kids) to be harder to talk to and approach than younger women. I don't know exactly why, as I'm in that age group. Maybe less smiley, less patient, less overall interest in forming friendships? But I don't take it personally, even though there are times when I think it would be easier for everyone to just put in a tiny bit of effort.

Meh. Most of the moms are very cliquish in our neighborhood and schools. Especially towards POC/Asians

Really? I find the Asians to be incredibly cliquish. They don’t want their kids hanging out with non-Asian kids! My half-Asian kid is at a Magnet program that is heavily Asian and the parents really only talk to other Asian parents.

I’m finding Asians to be incredibly cliquish as well. My DD is also half Asian and the other Asian kids have been absolutely brutal to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

Is this a very high SES area? Like I can’t imagine anyone around my neighborhood doing this kind of crap.

Yes, it’s in Fairfax County. It is something I’d never imagine either because it’s so many DCUM clichés, but these people are real. It’s two deeply toxic people married to each other who bring out the worst in each other. Usually a loud, obnoxious, one-upper, BSer will have a spouse who is nice and normal and balances him out. Or the Uber competitive queen-bee wife has a laid back husband. These are two of them married to each other.

Wait! I thought this was my neighborhood in MOCO! These people pride themselves on being multigenerational but they’re really kind of insular and provincial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

Hockey and lax are essentially working class sports (lots of head shots on young brains), but you need to have quite a bit of money to play them. They attract the cultural set that values a $70K pickup truck, white wine moms, big houses, big SUVs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

Lax and hockey moms are only ones I see doing this and only some of them

What is it about Lax?? I have no experience with the game and/or parents. Why does it attract these types?

Hockey and lax are essentially working class sports (lots of head shots on young brains), but you need to have quite a bit of money to play them. They attract the cultural set that values a $70K pickup truck, white wine moms, big houses, big SUVs, etc.

Np
Good insight, you put your thumb on something I see but couldn't describe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have horrible relationships with their husbands and only find value in being part of their crew.

OMG I have completely noticed this in our community as well! Especially with the PTA. Someone acts like this, husband is moving out soon.

[Anonymous]

Because these adult women have not grown up all the way, OP. They are not living through their children; they are still children in some ways themselves. We have an immaturity epidemic among adults today. Just look at social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

immature people everywhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

NP here. F that. Don't let them decide that this is their class. Take it back from them. Start referring to them as the "smock ladies" or "smock #1" and "smock #2" etc. Like "Hey smockie, can you pass me the sponge" or asking your instructor "will we get a chance on the wheel once the smocks are finished"? That will get the insecure ones leaving their smocks at home real quick and the queen bee looking dumb in her smock every class thereafter.

[Anonymous]

i had a mom of one of my kids friends walk up to me and tell me she wasn't open to new mom friends as she already had enough - I had in no way indicated that I wanted to be her "friend" People are weird and need to stop living through their kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a husband and wife in my neighborhood who are extreme with the gate keeping/social engineering. The husband decides which men can all hang out and the wife with women. They are incredibly manipulative with their subtle put downs and exclusionary actions. If someone moves to the neighborhood and they don’t think they’re acceptable for their clique, the husband usually starts to spread subtle rumors about the new family’s husband while the wife will say something more like that the kids were mean or bullying. If she notices that one person has made a new friend, she will become the new friends best friend in order to ensure she remains in control of social interactions. Same thing if they decide a family is out of the clique. Cutting people out of group text messages, etc, back stabbing, victim playing, and down right lies. It’s sad because one family is making a neighborhood toxic for people with young elementary children since they control the neighborhood social scene with an iron fist. It’s been going on for years and no one will stand up to them because anyone who tries is branded a bully and their children excluded.

Wait is this real? It sounds like a TV drama. And why don’t people call them out? How are the neighbors who go along any better?

It is real. People don’t call them out to avoid their family being ostracized. Ask me how I know. And the neighbors who go along are no better. They’re just as bad. But it is gatekeeping and social engineering at its finest.

I just signed up for a pottery class at a place in my neighborhood. The first night I show up and there’s this lady sitting there who is clearly a queen bee. She has recruited three of her friends to take the class with her and in advance she has gone on Amazon and ordered them all matching smocks, there are six of us in the class but it’s very clear that the class belongs to the queen me and her three friends. I just find the matching smocks particularly weird, the idea of all having to dress like when you’re in your 50s she has basically ostracize the other two of us in the class which is too bad because I joined at hoping to make some friends and now I’m out $200.

NP here. F that. Don't let them decide that this is their class. Take it back from them. Start referring to them as the "smock ladies" or "smock #1" and "smock #2" etc. Like "Hey smockie, can you pass me the sponge" or asking your instructor "will we get a chance on the wheel once the smocks are finished"? That will get the insecure ones leaving their smocks at home real quick and the queen bee looking dumb in her smock every class thereafter.

I love this. My guess is that you grew up in a large family -- one benefit is that you learn to push back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the psychology behind middle aged women who act cliquish and gatekeep friendships? Who can’t be polite at kids’ games, and try to establish some sort of hierarchy? I don’t get it.

What are you actually talking about

[Anonymous]

I think the better question is why are you letting people you wouldn't want to be friends with anyway live rent free in your head? I guarantee they aren't thinking or talking about you. Sounds like a you problem.