Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Pretty much agree. A wedding usually runs over the course of the weekend. The trips often discussed here are usually a week, maybe more. Fine if coordinated in advance, but def not if it is just being announced with no discussions. I was always lucky to have a lot of leave time stored up and a relatively flexible schedule, but it really is hard for folks who are not in that situation. FWIW, I think the OP either needs to go this time or arrange with DH that she will go for just a long weekend then return to her job to store up time. Then going forward they need to come up with a plan.

And, as with anything, there may need to be compromise. DH and I came up with a system where events were ranked. He wants me to go to his HS reunion and I had tentative plans that weekend - then he needs to rank it from 1-10 to the latter being the most important event ever in his life. (That's a hypothetical but you get my drift.) We did it only a few times, then pretty quickly realized we were able to figure it out. The system simply helped us better understand what was truly important to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

IDK about you, but we cleared our possible wedding dates with our siblings first before announcing them. Just seems that's what people do with adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

IDK about you, but we cleared our possible wedding dates with our siblings first before announcing them. Just seems that's what people do with adults.

We have some missing facts here. With three kids, I assumed the ILs said "this summer" and found a week that would likely work. You assumed they didn't. OP never gave any indication either way.

Let's assume they did offer flexibility on the dates. Any other difference?
Let's also acknowledge that weddings rarely happen on a date that is ideal for all close family members.

This was never about the specific timing being a problem anyway. It was about the cost, inconvenience, and not exactly what OP would want to do on her own. (like a wedding)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

IDK about you, but we cleared our possible wedding dates with our siblings first before announcing them. Just seems that's what people do with adults.

We have some missing facts here. With three kids, I assumed the ILs said "this summer" and found a week that would likely work. You assumed they didn't. OP never gave any indication either way.

Let's assume they did offer flexibility on the dates. Any other difference?
Let's also acknowledge that weddings rarely happen on a date that is ideal for all close family members.

This was never about the specific timing being a problem anyway. It was about the cost, inconvenience, and not exactly what OP would want to do on her own. (like a wedding)

People have thresholds. It seems that in recent years, celebrations have gotten more and more all encompassing. Retirement parties used to be a couple hours in the evening. Bachelor parties used to be a night, not a weekend. Big birthdays used to be a party, not a destination. And people don’t have a lot of time off. And people have limited budgets.

[Anonymous]

Is the trip to honor the ILs on their anniversary a single command performance, or have there been/can it be assumed to be that there will be others?

I will do a fair bit to accommodate one-off appearances, and in theory that's what weddings are. If the families don't usually celebrate milestone birthdays or anniversaries, graduations, etc. together, I can see how the analogy works. If every year brings multiple requests for the family to give up their money and time for a trip they didn't get to pick, then no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the trip to honor the ILs on their anniversary a single command performance, or have there been/can it be assumed to be that there will be others?

I will do a fair bit to accommodate one-off appearances, and in theory that's what weddings are. If the families don't usually celebrate milestone birthdays or anniversaries, graduations, etc. together, I can see how the analogy works. If every year brings multiple requests for the family to give up their money and time for a trip they didn't get to pick, then no.

PP who made the wedding analogy here. I 100% agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Meh I disagree. It's on your DH/DW to address this. If it doesn't work for your family don't go. Just send him/her. If they ask why, tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are sort of doing this too. They rented a beach house for a week next summer and invited my family and my siblings’ families to come. It’s a pretty inconvenient place to get to…closest mid size airport is 2 hours away and even that is not a major airport so there are no direct flights and flights are super expensive. My parents will be driving as they live about 6 hours away. My family and siblings’ families live very far away so we will fly and pay $$$$ plus rental cars to do so.

I’m glad we’re going bc I love the beach and my family and I know my kids and my parents will be so happy. But I can’t help be annoyed at how little consideration was given to how inconvenient and expensive the trip will be for us. And I know my parents think of it as their gift to us when it’s not quite accurate since they’re just treating us to a small part of it.

If you can afford it I'd rent my own house near theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

I am a DP, but I don’t think it works because OP’s in-laws said they are “taking the family on a vacation”. I think in most rational people’s minds that means they pay for everything. Totally different than “won’t you join us on our vacation”. Thats more like the wedding - “won’t you join us on our special day”. There’s no implication there that travel expenses will be paid for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs. Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL? Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything? My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab. Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?

Talk to your future spouse NOW and make an agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are your inlaws--what does your spouse have to say about this?

+1

What does your enmeshed spouse say about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

It is no more manipulative than a wedding invite. In fact, that is the perfect analogy. These people want to celebrate an important life milestone and they want to do so with their family. They are shelling out the cost of the specific event, but others will have to pay to get there and other incidentals. It is also disruptive to their lives and might not be where they would choose to go on their own at the time they would go.

Sure, people get annoyed about weddings, and sometimes for good reason. But that is all this is. Same thing.

It really isn't, but you tried.

You can really tell who has experienced this in their family and who hasn't. Twisting themselves into the usual DCUM pretzels to defend / do their devil's advocate game.

Care to explain why you think my analogy doesn't work? I explained why I think it does. And then I also acknowledged that there is difference in how the other party talks about the event. There is a difference between "we would be honored if you joined us" and "we give you the gift of this invitation" and "we demand you attend".

But I maintain that at the end of the day it is the same basic situation: a family member wants to share a milestone with family, they create an event and only pay for part of it, and others have to choose whether to go at personal expense/inconvenience or not.

IDK about you, but we cleared our possible wedding dates with our siblings first before announcing them. Just seems that's what people do with adults.

We have some missing facts here. With three kids, I assumed the ILs said "this summer" and found a week that would likely work. You assumed they didn't. OP never gave any indication either way.

Let's assume they did offer flexibility on the dates. Any other difference?
Let's also acknowledge that weddings rarely happen on a date that is ideal for all close family members.

This was never about the specific timing being a problem anyway. It was about the cost, inconvenience, and not exactly what OP would want to do on her own. (like a wedding)

OP here. Actually, my main gripe is about how my ILs see this trip as a gift to us that we should be grateful to them for. They are glossing over the big sacrifices we need to make to honor them and focusing instead on the gift of the cost of the AirBnB and food. This gift feels very obligatory, and I cannot refuse to accept it without ruffling a lot of feathers. In all the family weddings we’ve attended, I’ve never had to thank the people getting married for the gift of celebrating their wedding. Instead, they’ve been grateful to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

It amazes me you don't get it. It's not like this a trip OP wants to go on to a wonderful place and she gets the bonus of some parts paid for. It's a manipulative "gift" where she is still forced to pay a chunk of money and take off from work.

If your spouse is on board, you politely decline. These days Covid is a great excuse. Give a nice gift with heartwarming card and be done. Let the chips/drama fall where it may.

Dp. Imagine if the in-laws only invited blood relatives on this trip? I can guesswhat people would say! My in law is taking us on a vacation and yes it isn't where I would choose but, I am accepting of it because their intentions are good...ie wants to spend time with us.

Op maybe you should bow out now and let your dh/kids have the fun. Maybe your inlaws will be happy/unhappy but at least you won't be miserable.

But they’re not “taking them on vacation”. OP and family will still have to spend thousands of dollars on a vacation they wouldn’t choose for themselves.

I agree OP should bow out and let her husband wrangle three kids around a national park by himself and be responsible for all child care for a week while she rests at home. I would love it if my husband took the kids on a trip to see his parents without me!

How often are they going to retire and turn 70 though? Is this an every two year thing or a once in blue moon thing? Op is perfectly within her right to decline but, we don't know what the dh wants or if he or the kids ARE excited. It is all about op not wanting to go. How old are the kids? Did op mention? Perhaps with the grandparents dh could handle all three.

[Anonymous]

Why are they considering 70 a milestone? Shouldn’t it be $75?

How much does the airBNB cost? Depending on the park, location and time of year it might actually be pretty cheap. You could turn this around by all the siblings paying for the Airbnb. You all insist that it’s your gift to them. This way you all don’t have to get them another gift. They can’t pull the be grateful for our gift (which isn’t a gift) crap. They might be thrilled that you are all gifting them the Airbnb.

If you want to be a bit snarky you can always let it drop in front of them that it was no problem picking up the Airbnb cost because it was so much less than all the other expenses. After all it was going to cost us thousands to attend so a few hundred more didn’t make a difference.