Reply to Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This whole conversation makes me extremely anxious about my relationship with my future DILs/SILs.  Am i going to be expected to pay for time with my children in the future by footing the bill for everything always and if I don't I am A$$hole MIL?  Like if I want to plan a trip to go skiing, am I even allowed to ask if they want to come without assuming the costs for their flights, car, food, lift tickets, everything?  My only real splurge now is our family trips and there is no way in the future I can afford adding 3 spouses and all their children to the tab.  Isn't realistic to expect adults to pay some of their way?[/quote]

Not at all! My in-laws start a conversation like this. “We’re going on vacation this summer and we’d like you to join us. Do you have anything planned?” 
We say - not yet, what were you thinking. 
They say - let’s go to our timeshare in Colorado
We say - we’re not comfortable getting on a plane with Covid and the kids. What about something drivable? 
Them - ok - let’s pencil in a mid-Atlantic beach week
Us - great. Camp signups are done mid-Feb. what week should we leave open?

They do end up paying for the house - but we didn’t have to fly if we didn’t want to and they collaborated about what week makes sense. We would go even if we paid for the house - because it’s a collective decision on location and we like spending time with them. [/quote]

It's truly wonderful that you can have (or imagine) this convo w your ILs.  Anyone who has been manipu-bullied into going on a "milestone family trip" where the "the planners (ie. MIL, FIL, parents, whoever)" determine that they will allocate another adult's personal vacation time and personal expense for their (the planners) benefit gets what OP is saying.  The consideration of another person's feelings and wherewithal to 'meet expectations' is not a two-way street.  It's a one-way street, and DIL has to give up her time and money and be a good girl to make the ILs "happiest ever, most special ever" dreams come true.

Would you really tell your adult children that they need to show up for you in the middle of the country for you to 'truly' be celebrated and 'feel' acknowledged??

Many "planners" do not allow the type of conversation described above (probably because they were not respected by their parents either), or they may pretend to do so (under the 'we're open-minded and progressive' story they tell themselves'), and then double-down on their goal because they (the planners) feel / think / determine it is ok to demand time and money that is not theirs to demand.

It's like a boss that keeps calling you after hours, or while you are vacation with an "emergency" (!) and you have to take their calls and pay attention to "crisis" or "concerns" and do what they are asking while you are on vacation to keep your job, or stay in their 'good graces' to keep you job.

I doubt OP would expect / beg / demand that her ILs to go on an expensive vacation to see and celebrate her.

OP sounds very nice, and her ILs are lucky to have her as their DIL.
  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics