Why can't men [my DH] multitask????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. On days I WOH, I come back after picking up kids and breakfast dishes are still on the table. I have to clean up, make dinner, prep lunches for next day, throw in the laundry, check HW, and start bedtime for the kids. But I can’t say anything without upsetting him because he dropped the kids off in the morning. It’s exhausting. If I need him to do something I can only tell him one thing at a time or he will get overwhelmed and stressed out.

Some of it is nature, but some is nurture. His father is helpless and clueless and his mother always did everything. I want to raise my sons better. Already my 7 yo helps around the house more than DH!

It's impossible to separate the nature/nurture aspect.

My FIL was really awful in this way and so is my BIL. They never offer to help, and just expect the women around them to take care of everything. When I married in, they even expected me to start picking up after them or getting their drinks (I disabused them of these notions immediately).

One reason I stayed with my DH even after I saw this though was that HE would complain about their behavior before I even said anything. He'd admonish his dad for failing to say thank you or just leaving tasks for his mom to finish, and he has never had any patience for his brother's entitlement. So even though my DH was absolutely raised this way, he obviously learned before he met me (thank you DH"s ex-girlfriends and anyone else who contributed!) that this is not okay.

That said, he still does not do as much as I do around the house or with the kids. He absolutely has situational myopia where he just doesn't see or think about necessary tasks that need to be done. He'll do this thing all the time where I'll start folding a mountain of laundry that has been sitting on the couch all day, and he'll say "Oh, I was just about to get to that." I hear this all the time "Oh, I was about to do that." He said it this morning, when I was feeding DD breakfast and cleaned the kitchen while she ate and I waited for my tea to be ready. "Oh, I was going to do that after you left."

I think he wants credit for having thought about doing things and just not having gotten to them yet. I'll just laugh and say "Oh if you want points for this you gotta beat me to it!" I try to keep it light and not express annoyance because then he gets defensive.

[Anonymous]

Right. And what you described is a tremendous amount of work. Women take in this immense role of teaching the kids without hitting, because let’s be honest….the formula of “3 year old whines = smack” is alot easier than what you described. And men just check out of that process in many cases. Add in unrealistic workplace expectations, food prep and cleaning and it’s a formula for never ending stress.

I am the PP who grew up in the 60s and 70s who was routinely hit by relatives, babysitters, and schoolteachers. Just FYI the majority of the adults who hit us back then were women. This is as you would expect, because back then, men were at work and most of the adults who were around kids were women. The dysfunction in these women was exactly what another PP observes in her husband - these women got impatient, struggled to remember how inexperienced the kids were (or didn't care), got enraged at anything less than perfect compliance, and quickly resorted to smacking us rather than try to figure out how to exert their authority effectively without violence. I don't see this as a particularly male pathology at all.

Even today, I bet if I recounted to my mom or aunt some actions of theirs that, in retrospect, clearly crossed the line into physical abuse, I bet they'd find some way to justify and rationalize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. On days I WOH, I come back after picking up kids and breakfast dishes are still on the table. I have to clean up, make dinner, prep lunches for next day, throw in the laundry, check HW, and start bedtime for the kids. But I can’t say anything without upsetting him because he dropped the kids off in the morning. It’s exhausting. If I need him to do something I can only tell him one thing at a time or he will get overwhelmed and stressed out.

Some of it is nature, but some is nurture. His father is helpless and clueless and his mother always did everything. I want to raise my sons better. Already my 7 yo helps around the house more than DH!

It's impossible to separate the nature/nurture aspect.

My FIL was really awful in this way and so is my BIL. They never offer to help, and just expect the women around them to take care of everything. When I married in, they even expected me to start picking up after them or getting their drinks (I disabused them of these notions immediately).

One reason I stayed with my DH even after I saw this though was that HE would complain about their behavior before I even said anything. He'd admonish his dad for failing to say thank you or just leaving tasks for his mom to finish, and he has never had any patience for his brother's entitlement. So even though my DH was absolutely raised this way, he obviously learned before he met me (thank you DH"s ex-girlfriends and anyone else who contributed!) that this is not okay.

That said, he still does not do as much as I do around the house or with the kids. He absolutely has situational myopia where he just doesn't see or think about necessary tasks that need to be done. He'll do this thing all the time where I'll start folding a mountain of laundry that has been sitting on the couch all day, and he'll say "Oh, I was just about to get to that." I hear this all the time "Oh, I was about to do that." He said it this morning, when I was feeding DD breakfast and cleaned the kitchen while she ate and I waited for my tea to be ready. "Oh, I was going to do that after you left."

I think he wants credit for having thought about doing things and just not having gotten to them yet. I'll just laugh and say "Oh if you want points for this you gotta beat me to it!" I try to keep it light and not express annoyance because then he gets defensive.

So, why don’t you actually stop the task and say “great, I will leave this to you then?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Right. And what you described is a tremendous amount of work. Women take in this immense role of teaching the kids without hitting, because let’s be honest….the formula of “3 year old whines = smack” is alot easier than what you described. And men just check out of that process in many cases. Add in unrealistic workplace expectations, food prep and cleaning and it’s a formula for never ending stress.

I am the PP who grew up in the 60s and 70s who was routinely hit by relatives, babysitters, and schoolteachers. Just FYI the majority of the adults who hit us back then were women. This is as you would expect, because back then, men were at work and most of the adults who were around kids were women. The dysfunction in these women was exactly what another PP observes in her husband - these women got impatient, struggled to remember how inexperienced the kids were (or didn't care), got enraged at anything less than perfect compliance, and quickly resorted to smacking us rather than try to figure out how to exert their authority effectively without violence. I don't see this as a particularly male pathology at all.

Even today, I bet if I recounted to my mom or aunt some actions of theirs that, in retrospect, clearly crossed the line into physical abuse, I bet they'd find some way to justify and rationalize it.

Those are good points. I would say that it’s women who read the parenting books and absorb the new advice. Men have internalized modern bourgeoisie parenting to nearly the same degree. Of course, there didn’t used to be so much advice. The idea that children have rights is new, just a little newer than the concept of human rights in general.

So to review:

Women often work full time jobs and have kids
Women do the bulk of the emotional labor including absorbing intensive parenting advice and putting it into practice.
Women do the bulk of food prep.
Women do the bulk of the cleaning.

It’s no wonder we’re all stressed.

I don’t have any workable solutions but I think returning to single earner families would make this more realistic. But that’s not going to happen. It’s no surprise that the birth rate is catering world wide.

[Anonymous]

Men have NOT internalized modern bourgeoisie parenting to nearly the same degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

+1. I have an ADHD kid. Your DH is not "wired" to multitask at work and not home. He just knows that there are worse consequences at work, so he tries harder to keep his shit together. Plus maybe he has a secretary or other junior associates he relies on to do the scut work.

[Anonymous]

As a DH, I've read through most of these responses and want to share some thoughts for discussion:
- What OP is talking about is not multi-tasking, it is executive functioning (as a previous poster said is "adulting")
- On the topic of taking care of the household, yes, in general, women do pick up more than half of the workload
- Everyone has an opinion on why this is and I would like to offer up another generalization that men don't care as much about household stuff as women
- For example, most men don't care that there are dirty dishes in the sink overnight, or that there is half eaten food on the kitchen table, or that the laundry didn't get done (what's wrong with wearing a wrinkled shirt mindset)
- But for those things that a DH cares about (work, pooping, hobbies, etc) most men are on point which suggests that they do not care about other things that bother women

The question shouldn't be "why my DH can't do X" but rather it is how to make a man (your DH) care about what you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a DH, I've read through most of these responses and want to share some thoughts for discussion:
- What OP is talking about is not multi-tasking, it is executive functioning (as a previous poster said is "adulting")
- On the topic of taking care of the household, yes, in general, women do pick up more than half of the workload
- Everyone has an opinion on why this is and I would like to offer up another generalization that men don't care as much about household stuff as women
- For example, most men don't care that there are dirty dishes in the sink overnight, or that there is half eaten food on the kitchen table, or that the laundry didn't get done (what's wrong with wearing a wrinkled shirt mindset)
- But for those things that a DH cares about (work, pooping, hobbies, etc) most men are on point which suggests that they do not care about other things that bother women

The question shouldn't be "why my DH can't do X" but rather it is how to make a man (your DH) care about what you care about.

They also don’t cAre about it the next day or the next.

It becomes a game of Chicken: will my wife or the sitter or a visiting grandmother wash these leftover dirty dishes for me before I have to a few days later..?..

Meanwhile your kids absorb the same bad, slob habits. Because if your spouse can’t remember to do jack or is too lazy or selfish, he sure won’t be prompting them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a DH, I've read through most of these responses and want to share some thoughts for discussion:
- What OP is talking about is not multi-tasking, it is executive functioning (as a previous poster said is "adulting")
- On the topic of taking care of the household, yes, in general, women do pick up more than half of the workload
- Everyone has an opinion on why this is and I would like to offer up another generalization that men don't care as much about household stuff as women
- For example, most men don't care that there are dirty dishes in the sink overnight, or that there is half eaten food on the kitchen table, or that the laundry didn't get done (what's wrong with wearing a wrinkled shirt mindset)
- But for those things that a DH cares about (work, pooping, hobbies, etc) most men are on point which suggests that they do not care about other things that bother women

The question shouldn't be "why my DH can't do X" but rather it is how to make a man (your DH) care about what you care about.

Appreciate this response, as I think it represents the way a large swath of the husbands who aren't completely useless, but don't do 50%, and aren't just raging jerks, think about this stuff. Super common. Let's call them the 25% crowd (they're doing some stuff!)

The issue with things like dishes in the sink and laundry and picking up food is that both the 25% crowd and their wives agree that at some point, these tasks must be done. Dishes need to be washed, or eventually you'll run out. Clothes can only be worn so many times - eventually they need to be washed or there will be an odor. The table needs to be cleared, or their won't be room to put your plate down to eat your next meal.

Their wives, generally, note that washing the dishes is actually easier if you do it before the food crusts. That if you clear the table right away, your room is visually nicer and it doesn't take any more work than waiting until the table is full of crap. That doing 2 loads of laundry on Sunday is much more manageable than doing 8 because literally every single piece of cloth in the house is dirty.

But, conveniently, as long as the 25% crowd waits a BIT longer than their wives to take on these tasks - they never have to do ANYTHING. Even though (see above) they agree that this is work that needs to be done. Because their wife gets it done before they see a problem. And so you have your classic free-rider problem. "Oh, of course I'd clear the table once four meals of dishes are on it, but you already did it a meal at a time! Oh, shucks!"

So - communication and compromise. If you can spell all this out with each other, and be honest about it in a real conversation where you engage (NOT nagging. NOT "yes dear") on what you think needs to get done when, you can find a way to make everyone happy. For example, maybe you see the wisdom in not letting the laundry pile up too much, and your wife is also happy to rewear jeans and sweaters to make the laundry stretch, and so you can do the laundry every Sunday, and she can take on all the cleaning. Sounds awesome.

And - it leads to the last ditch effort, which is the "let him fail" option - let him run out of dishes, let him run out of room on the table, let him only have stinky shirts. After a few weeks of scraping crusted on gunk off a plate from the sink just to be able to make a sandwich, he might actually figure out that it's easier to just run the damn dishwasher every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Right. And what you described is a tremendous amount of work. Women take in this immense role of teaching the kids without hitting, because let’s be honest….the formula of “3 year old whines = smack” is alot easier than what you described. And men just check out of that process in many cases. Add in unrealistic workplace expectations, food prep and cleaning and it’s a formula for never ending stress.

I am the PP who grew up in the 60s and 70s who was routinely hit by relatives, babysitters, and schoolteachers. Just FYI the majority of the adults who hit us back then were women. This is as you would expect, because back then, men were at work and most of the adults who were around kids were women. The dysfunction in these women was exactly what another PP observes in her husband - these women got impatient, struggled to remember how inexperienced the kids were (or didn't care), got enraged at anything less than perfect compliance, and quickly resorted to smacking us rather than try to figure out how to exert their authority effectively without violence. I don't see this as a particularly male pathology at all.

Even today, I bet if I recounted to my mom or aunt some actions of theirs that, in retrospect, clearly crossed the line into physical abuse, I bet they'd find some way to justify and rationalize it.

Those are good points. I would say that it’s women who read the parenting books and absorb the new advice. Men have internalized modern bourgeoisie parenting to nearly the same degree. Of course, there didn’t used to be so much advice. The idea that children have rights is new, just a little newer than the concept of human rights in general.

So to review:

Women often work full time jobs and have kids
Women do the bulk of the emotional labor including absorbing intensive parenting advice and putting it into practice.
Women do the bulk of food prep.
Women do the bulk of the cleaning.

It’s no wonder we’re all stressed.


don’t have any workable solutions but I think returning to single earner families would make this more realistic. But that’s not going to happen. It’s no surprise that the birth rate is catering world wide.

Single earner families don't solve the problem. I never wanted to be the default SAHP. I like working for more than just the income. I outsourced a lot and refused to do a lot. My house is clean but always messy and hasn't been remodeled in 15 years. No time or interest. What I care about is my kids' wellbeing and my career. Other people can cook and decorate if it's their thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Sounds like a disability

Could very well be but it didn't prevent him from earning a good living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has ADHD and he could not empty a dishwasher and watch a toddler at the same time. He is however highly functional at work. People are wired differently.

Interesting that your DH is "wired" to be able to multitask and do his job properly, but somehow magically not "wired" to watch a child while doing some very light cleaning. It's funny how many men are just magically not "wired" for these things, and yet very functional in their work life. Do they all have this very specific version of ADHD?

Do you have ADHD? Are you a psychologist? I'm a DP with ADHD and I cannot speak for PP's husband (who may be conning them or genuinely being lazy, for all I know), but that's actually a big part of how ADHD works. It's not a "specific form" of ADHD-- it's all forms. We can hyperfocus on things that interest us and struggle and fail miserably at those things that don't. A very extreme version of how everyone does better jobs at the things they enjoy-- we can be truly fantastic at those key things, but awful at a lot of other things that superficially seem to have the same requirements.

Now-- as a parent, you have to suck it up and find coping mechanisms that allow you to do a decent job of it, regardless of interest. But it is genuinely harder for those of us with ADHD. The moms with ADHD usually step up and find ways to make it at least halfway work, whereas the dads with ADHD are often let off the hook-- or let themselves off the hook. So I do get the skepticism, and I'm sure patriarchy and whatnot plays a role. But it's literally true that if you have ADHD, what seem to be your fabulous focusing and multitasking skills can fall off a cliff when you're presented with something that your brain is not interested in. It actually sucks.

DP.. I too can hyperfocus on things I like to do, and ignore things that I don't want to do. I guess I could call it ADHD, but that wouldn't be true. Same thing for my kids. This is a human condition, not a disorder.

ADHD is an excuse for everything these days.

PP will also say you're not allowed to ask your ADHD husband to do the d*mn dishes because he has "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria."

Wow, a psychologist and a psychic with poor reading comprehension! What are the odds?

I explicitly said none of it was an excuse, and explicitly said that everyone has more energy for the things they enjoy-- just that with ADHD, it's extreme and can be crippling. And that as a parent with ADHD, you have to find a way to overcome this. I'm just saying it's hardER.

Of course, I also said that the ADHD DH is probably also conditioned not to care and may be a total jerk! But you know that. Or do you? Your and PP's own attention to detail seems to be sadly lacking.

Then again, everyone gets sad! Depression is an excuse for everything these days! Everyone feels tired sometimes. Autoimmune diseases are an excuse for everything these days! Everyone gets acne and everyone's teeth are crooked, so no one should take Accutane or get braces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

we must married to the same person.

Are you me? Same girl, same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so petty but omg the 3- 30 minute long poops drive me insane. Kids will be tearing through my house, begging for breakfast or lunch and he’s just pooping away blissfully. Not only can he not multitask, but he can actively ignore issues when he wants to. It’s like he has blinders on.

we must married to the same person.

Are you me? Same girl, same.

And me too!

Where do these guys come from??

[Anonymous]

It’s not that he can’t multitask. It’s that he doesn’t want to do the various tasks no matter how basic (leaving the kid in a diaper until she gets a rash is borderline neglect an *is* disgusting) and so he is choosing not to do them. It’s very easy to agree that In Principle the tasks should be shared and then not share them

Tl;dr your husband is lazy.