“Can you serve me some?” How would you reply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

A lot of posters seem to be missing this. The FIL is asking to have food passed to him that's making the rounds out-of-order. That's exceedingly selfish and rude. If I were OP, I'd just say, it's on it's way or something similar. Presumably there are other little kids at the table, and accommodating bad manners will teach everyone a bad lesson.

But she should have begun service with him. I don't understand why OP and you don't seem to get that. If you insist on serving by passing around then you begin the passing at the person of highest honor, which in a family situation is the female or male who is the oldest. If OP is doing family service, then she still should have begun with the person of highest honor. That's why she is wrong and that's why she is being rude.

If they are visiting for a formal meal like Thanksgiving, sure.

They are not. They are living with OP for now and are therefore household members, and it is informal pizza night. Household members should HaeLO unless they are infirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

A lot of posters seem to be missing this. The FIL is asking to have food passed to him that's making the rounds out-of-order. That's exceedingly selfish and rude. If I were OP, I'd just say, it's on it's way or something similar. Presumably there are other little kids at the table, and accommodating bad manners will teach everyone a bad lesson.

But she should have begun service with him. I don't understand why OP and you don't seem to get that. If you insist on serving by passing around then you begin the passing at the person of highest honor, which in a family situation is the female or male who is the oldest. If OP is doing family service, then she still should have begun with the person of highest honor. That's why she is wrong and that's why she is being rude.

I'm not, in my 40s, figuring out who has the highest honor and getting the serving dish to them. I would say to FIL "the shrimp is on it's way!" However, for serving from a buffet, I don't see anything wrong with asking people if I can fix their plates and. I would do guests are served first. Is there a MIL in this situation? If so maybe start giving them both first dibs or ask your DH to offer to fix them both a plate. I get why it's frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

He is as annoying as heck. I am pp with FIL who won't cut in, but wants people to serve him. You will notice that many pps here, no doubt most women, are enforcers of "this is not a big deal." They are the reason we are still dealing with this crap, your MIL? Does she say anything to him? Imagine one firm, "John, you are annoying as hell," in front of everyone? Or your DH? He should say the same. Put the FIL in his place, but instead he has been doing this so long that now you are called the crazy one, right? To turn it on those that think it is not a big deal, why is your complaining about it being a big deal then? Because you are a woman! You are supposed to put up with this crap! Hypocrites, one and all.
I'd turn it on him. Next meal, you put your plate in the middle of the table, and say "John, can you serve me some?" And keep at it! Every meal for a couple of days. Sure, it is immature, but he knows what he is doing. He is doing it on purpose, and he will recognize your behavior as his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

He is as annoying as heck. I am pp with FIL who won't cut in, but wants people to serve him. You will notice that many pps here, no doubt most women, are enforcers of "this is not a big deal." They are the reason we are still dealing with this crap, your MIL? Does she say anything to him? Imagine one firm, "John, you are annoying as hell," in front of everyone? Or your DH? He should say the same. Put the FIL in his place, but instead he has been doing this so long that now you are called the crazy one, right? To turn it on those that think it is not a big deal, why is your complaining about it being a big deal then? Because you are a woman! You are supposed to put up with this crap! Hypocrites, one and all.
I'd turn it on him. Next meal, you put your plate in the middle of the table, and say "John, can you serve me some?" And keep at it! Every meal for a couple of days. Sure, it is immature, but he knows what he is doing. He is doing it on purpose, and he will recognize your behavior as his.

I would honestly do this, just to see how he responds. If he responds in a way that doesn't get you the food you want, I'd use that exact response on him the next time he asks you for food. Everyone else in the room would pick up on that, if they're smart enough. Hopefully they'll start doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

DP. The more you post the more rude I think you are. Your example here is a great exhibit of why. You felt/saw him come up (or you're so self-focused that you didn't see/feel him come up) and still didn't do the proper/polite host role and turn to help your guest and instead chose to snipe at him.

agree. Serve older parents first. Also helpful because if kids are served first it's really hard for them to wait till everyone else is served to eat. You think FIL is rude but he probably thinks you're rude and is trying to teach manners. Old school manners, admittedly, and unfair to target you instead of his son, but exhibiting respect for elders will benefit YOU in the long run.

[Anonymous]

In the pizza scenario, if he's in the room when you're getting ready to serve yourself, just make a show of standing back and "hey, FIL, pizza's here! Go ahead and dish up". Why do you always seem to be in line in front of him? Don't serve him, just have him go first.

This is actually a pretty easy problem to solve, but my guess is that you simply don't like FIL so you let it grate on your nerves more than it needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

If I were you, I'd step back, give him a big smile and say "why don't you help yourself Jack?". And next time, I'd insist he go ahead of me if I saw he didn't have food yet. But yes, always make sure he serves himself first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

He is as annoying as heck. I am pp with FIL who won't cut in, but wants people to serve him. You will notice that many pps here, no doubt most women, are enforcers of "this is not a big deal." They are the reason we are still dealing with this crap, your MIL? Does she say anything to him? Imagine one firm, "John, you are annoying as hell," in front of everyone? Or your DH? He should say the same. Put the FIL in his place, but instead he has been doing this so long that now you are called the crazy one, right? To turn it on those that think it is not a big deal, why is your complaining about it being a big deal then? Because you are a woman! You are supposed to put up with this crap! Hypocrites, one and all.
I'd turn it on him. Next meal, you put your plate in the middle of the table, and say "John, can you serve me some?" And keep at it! Every meal for a couple of days. Sure, it is immature, but he knows what he is doing. He is doing it on purpose, and he will recognize your behavior as his.

+1

Alternative response (in the above pizza situation): "{laugh out loud} John, it's pizza night! Everyone is on their own for self-service - I'll be out of your way in a moment."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

If I were you, I'd step back, give him a big smile and say "why don't you help yourself Jack?". And next time, I'd insist he go ahead of me if I saw he didn't have food yet. But yes, always make sure he serves himself first.

"it's serve yourself, Jack."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

DP. The more you post the more rude I think you are. Your example here is a great exhibit of why. You felt/saw him come up (or you're so self-focused that you didn't see/feel him come up) and still didn't do the proper/polite host role and turn to help your guest and instead chose to snipe at him.

agree. Serve older parents first. Also helpful because if kids are served first it's really hard for them to wait till everyone else is served to eat. You think FIL is rude but he probably thinks you're rude and is trying to teach manners. Old school manners, admittedly, and unfair to target you instead of his son, but exhibiting respect for elders will benefit YOU in the long run.

Again, these people are living with OP and are therefore household members, not guests. I would invite them to help themselves first, but would not make their plates!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

DP. The more you post the more rude I think you are. Your example here is a great exhibit of why. You felt/saw him come up (or you're so self-focused that you didn't see/feel him come up) and still didn't do the proper/polite host role and turn to help your guest and instead chose to snipe at him.

What is all this hosting stuff. If you are serving pizza then it's a pretty chill family evening together. If it's Thanksgiving then yes step up the hosting but this hosting thing of the 1950's where the female solely has to serve the eldest in the room first is so old fashioned. It's very telling that none of those posters have suggested that whilst OP was helping the children her DH could have helped the FIL. Or the MIL could have helped where is she in all of this.

But I see that no, the men shouldn't lift a finger, including the DH who is this man's son. Nope it has to be Op, lets make sure those out dated silly opinions of the past are still living and breathing today. No FIL is targeting OP because he believes as the female she should be serving him and treating him different rather than him acting like a grown up adult who can pick up a slice of pizza out of a box or wait for the shrimp to be passed down the table.

Yes folks you are saying that it's ok that this adult cannot pick up pizza out of a box for himself. Really I would think he needs a full medical if he can't do that. It sounds like a pretty casual evening if pizza is involved, this hosting stuff is so silly for such a casual affair. Perhaps back in the day that mattered when people sat around the piano to watch people play but today things are different can we please stay in this century.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I agree that it is rude. My parents are 70 and we see them all the time. They are in great health and, prior to COVID, did tons of exercise and traveling. For something informal like pizza, I wouldn't serve them first - people would just line up and take. Now, my in laws, we don't see as often and they are older and more formal people, and much less healthy. We would likely serve them first.

[Anonymous]

I would keep an eye out as I approached the food and make sure FIL is elsewhere. Lol

[Anonymous]

I’ll say it again, OP: he is looking for attention from you, the young DIL. Why else would he reach in front of you and ask you to serve him? DH should step in when this happens and say, “Dad, Lauren is busy—I’ll help you with that.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would keep an eye out as I approached the food and make sure FIL is elsewhere. Lol

*cue Pink Panther theme song*