“Can you serve me some?” How would you reply?

[Anonymous]

I'd fix the dude a plate first every time, then ignore any requests until we had all served ourselves and started.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he comes from the school of thought we’re men, and the elderly should be served first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We always fixed plates for the older relatives. I would ask at the start if he would like me to fix him up a plate while he gets seated.

Is this a southern thing? My mom would make plates for my brother his whole life. Even now if the family is together, he will ask her to fix his plate. My mom and aunts expected me to do the same for my husband. Yeah, no.

Ditto.

Me And my mom would always argue about this eventually my dad and his friend who always
joined us for dinner learned to serve themselves.

It was sickening, he joined us every day! All the free dinners you’d think he’d at least fix himself a plate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

A lot of posters seem to be missing this. The FIL is asking to have food passed to him that's making the rounds out-of-order. That's exceedingly selfish and rude. If I were OP, I'd just say, it's on it's way or something similar. Presumably there are other little kids at the table, and accommodating bad manners will teach everyone a bad lesson.

But she should have begun service with him. I don't understand why OP and you don't seem to get that. If you insist on serving by passing around then you begin the passing at the person of highest honor, which in a family situation is the female or male who is the oldest. If OP is doing family service, then she still should have begun with the person of highest honor. That's why she is wrong and that's why she is being rude.

I'm not, in my 40s, figuring out who has the highest honor and getting the serving dish to them. I would say to FIL "the shrimp is on it's way!" However, for serving from a buffet, I don't see anything wrong with asking people if I can fix their plates and. I would do guests are served first. Is there a MIL in this situation? If so maybe start giving them both first dibs or ask your DH to offer to fix them both a plate. I get why it's frustrating.

What is the point of a buffet if you’re going to serve everyone? Just have a plated meal then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

No, waiting until the person in front of you is done serving themself, then serving yourself is normal. Patience is normal. Self-control is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the harm of handing him a piece of pizza or putting a scoop of mashed potatoes on his plate. Yes, he is not being polite, but it seems like you are far more bothered by this than it is worth. All my in-laws have quirks. Some more annoying than others, but this is so minor.

Op, if it really bothers you, do not walk up to the buffet until he has his food. Step back and go last.

This - why don’t you just have him go first in the stupid buffet line? This is such a minor thing to get worked up over, especially because he is not singling you out. You seem to be “ahead” of him in every buffet situation, so just don’t do it. If a bowl is next to you and he asks, just plop something on his plate. Whatever. He must have some reason for doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: If there's a bowl with mashed potatoes sitting on the table right next to him, will he serve himself, or hold up his plate and ask you to do it for him?

If it’s literally right next to him he will, but if it’s anywhere else, rather than ask for it to be passed or just wait, he asks to be served and holds his plate out.

Maybe the serving bowl is too heavy for him and he doesn't want to admit that. That is certainly the issue for my mother and grandparents. I would never dream of passing the bowl to them. I'd either ask them to hold out their plates, or I'd get up from the table and walk over to them and serve them. They don't need to ask, either. The bowls are heavy, I can see they are straining, I'd rather get up and help than risk breaking dishware and splattering food.

He is 60, not 90. If adults need help, they may a-s-k, which is perfectly fine and polite. Shoving your plate in someone’s face is rude.