“Can you serve me some?” How would you reply?

[Anonymous]

"You have 2 arms, 2 legs & a heartbeat. You can serve yourself."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

He will not stop this because of some cognitive and behavioral decline but you can certainly redirect his behavior and make him participate in helping out. Smile and say "Sure. As soon as I finish serving so-n-so. Can you pass on the bread to Larla in the meanwhile. I will help you in just one second."

This way you are not bitchy and not a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are in a bubble with my inlaws. It’s FIL. He’s mid 60’s and perfectly capable of serving himself and waiting his turn. He also has a wife capable of waiting on him if that’s their thing.

I just need a response to make him stop asking me. I don’t care if he asks someone else.

Technically if he is an elder guest then you should be serving him and his wife first. I don't understand why you don't know that but you should have learned this when you were a kid. So actually you're the one being rude, not him, if you're serving other people before him and his wife.

Lol. “The hostess” has spoken. It’s not the 1950’s anymore. Keep up.

If you think that being polite and having manners have gone out the window then I feel very sorry for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to be you. Yuck.

How about good manners is not assuming a woman is a servant, and singling her out as such. How about good manners is asking for help with grace and an eye to what a busy person is already doing for others, and being patient and flexible?

How about that?

NP

If the woman is the hostess of the event, then it is her role to serve or to supervise service. If it is a man who is the host of the event, then it is his role to serve or to supervise service. In this case, OP has identified a gender as female. Her responsibilities as hostess don't disappear because she is female. I'm sorry you're stuck in a stereotype loop but the circumstances of host/hostess responsibilities take precedence over your own biases.

In this case OP was helping with serving children who are far more incapable than a 60 year old male. In the case of a buffet or self service the host does not stand there putting food on people's plates, that would be odd.

And walking up to someone and pushing in and asking for pizza from a box rather than simply waiting two seconds yuck. This is not about hosting, this is someone too impatient to wait who obviously has issues with getting a pizza slice from a box. On one occasion it would be nothing but over a life time would be grating.

[Anonymous]

He’s old school, OP. I have senior relatives that still leave their dirty plate on the table. You aren’t teaching this old paw any new tricks. He may passively be saying he should be served first, as the oldest and the man. Not that it’s right — but it is what it is. And it’s going to be what it’s going to be. Don’t give it this much energy, for your own sake. Serve him first and teach your toddlers how to treat their elders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s old school, OP. I have senior relatives that still leave their dirty plate on the table. You aren’t teaching this old paw any new tricks. He may passively be saying he should be served first, as the oldest and the man. Not that it’s right — but it is what it is. And it’s going to be what it’s going to be. Don’t give it this much energy, for your own sake. Serve him first and teach your toddlers how to treat their elders.

There is no need to serve him first. But clearly he won’t stop, so work around it:

“Ted and Mary, please help yourselves, then Brad can get the kids’ plates.”

So far, you’ve indicated that you make the kid plates. This might be signaling to him that you are the food servant. Share that duty with DH, so even your own kids don’t start equating only women with food service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

You are one of those people who are just afraid to speak up and fear that anything might lead to confrontation.

What OP needs to do is call our her FIL and embarrass him. Shame works for adults. Do it.

If he tries to cut in front of you - in a sharp loud voice “ what are you doing! Can’t you see I am busy!” Say nothing else and return to what you were doing. He will be shocked and put off momentarily and he will know that you aren’t going with his nonsense anymore. A man would do this with no hesitation to another man so don’t hesitate.

[Anonymous]

Why are you doing buffet style during COVID?! Ugh, just stop.

[Anonymous]

He sounds annoying AF

I’m sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Does he do this when you visit at their place? If not, then I would say this is his annoying way of indicating he wants to be treated as a guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

I'm going to guess THIS is the problem. He does not do it to "everyone". He does it only to WOMEN. I'd bet $500 right now he's never asked his son-in-law to serve him food. I'd also bet after dinner he sits on the couch without a second thought as to who will do the dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

A lot of posters seem to be missing this. The FIL is asking to have food passed to him that's making the rounds out-of-order. That's exceedingly selfish and rude. If I were OP, I'd just say, it's on it's way or something similar. Presumably there are other little kids at the table, and accommodating bad manners will teach everyone a bad lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

DP. The more you post the more rude I think you are. Your example here is a great exhibit of why. You felt/saw him come up (or you're so self-focused that you didn't see/feel him come up) and still didn't do the proper/polite host role and turn to help your guest and instead chose to snipe at him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we share a meal with a certain older (but totally able-bodied) relative, he will try to “cut the line” to have someone serve him. If we are serving buffet style, he’ll reach his arm in and say “can you just put some on my plate?” as I’m actively preparing my own plate. Or if we are seated and passing the food, he’ll reach his arm out and ask for something from the other end of the table that is being passed down but not to him yet. “Can I have some shrimp?” I want to scream “it’s coming! Wait your damn turn!” He will be the first to sit down a the table without everything he needs but then ask others to wait on him (can you bring me a fork/napkin/iced tea/whatever.) It’s super annoying as I’m trying to serve myself and my children.

What is the best way to get him to stop this, without sounding bitchy, but also not a doormat?

TIA.

A lot of posters seem to be missing this. The FIL is asking to have food passed to him that's making the rounds out-of-order. That's exceedingly selfish and rude. If I were OP, I'd just say, it's on it's way or something similar. Presumably there are other little kids at the table, and accommodating bad manners will teach everyone a bad lesson.

But she should have begun service with him. I don't understand why OP and you don't seem to get that. If you insist on serving by passing around then you begin the passing at the person of highest honor, which in a family situation is the female or male who is the oldest. If OP is doing family service, then she still should have begun with the person of highest honor. That's why she is wrong and that's why she is being rude.