“Can you serve me some?” How would you reply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

If there is a line, you are rude. Wait your turn. Simple. Would you do this at a buffet out in public?!

A buffet out in public is not a pizza box in your house? So no...

I model and reinforce good behavior for my kids at home so that I can be sure they show good manners in public. I also show my loved ones the same basic courtesy I show strangers in public. If I don’t treat my love ones with respect and courtesy, my manners in public matter very little.

It seems you have different standards.

I don't understand, when a pizza box is delivered to your home or a family outing, you don't have a bunch of people kind of approach the box and then people take/hand out slices kind of haphazardly? This happens regularly with my family. It isn't seen as rude. If someone got the pizza alone maybe they had time to set it up in a row on the counter and a line starts, but frequently they just kind of get opened en masse at the table and maybe I'm in front of the cheese and also want a piece of pepperoni and will say, hey DH will you please grab me one while you're over there and he will do it. It has literally nothing to do with how I would behave at a restaurant in a buffet line which is an inherently different operation. If OP's story was at a restaurant and she was like, putting lettuce on her plate and FIL sidled up and demand that she put lettuce on his plate I would think that was incredibly weird and rude. Because in a buffet there are clear and consistent rules of engagement. Family meal time has much less clear rules.

My kids wait their turn, clear their plates, say please and thank you, all of that is modeled. But they also sometimes ask for food and as long as they do so politely I give it to them. I don't really see extreme rudeness in OP's example.

If that's how it is served at your house, and that's what everyone expects great!

What you don't seem to grasp is that People Are Different From You and clearly OP has already stated that they set it out buffet style, with a line. So do I. So do a lot of people I know. So IN THE CONTEXT OF A BUFFET, your free-for-all behavior would indeed be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

If there is a line, you are rude. Wait your turn. Simple. Would you do this at a buffet out in public?!

A buffet out in public is not a pizza box in your house? So no...

I model and reinforce good behavior for my kids at home so that I can be sure they show good manners in public. I also show my loved ones the same basic courtesy I show strangers in public. If I don’t treat my love ones with respect and courtesy, my manners in public matter very little.

It seems you have different standards.

I don't understand, when a pizza box is delivered to your home or a family outing, you don't have a bunch of people kind of approach the box and then people take/hand out slices kind of haphazardly? This happens regularly with my family. It isn't seen as rude. If someone got the pizza alone maybe they had time to set it up in a row on the counter and a line starts, but frequently they just kind of get opened en masse at the table and maybe I'm in front of the cheese and also want a piece of pepperoni and will say, hey DH will you please grab me one while you're over there and he will do it. It has literally nothing to do with how I would behave at a restaurant in a buffet line which is an inherently different operation. If OP's story was at a restaurant and she was like, putting lettuce on her plate and FIL sidled up and demand that she put lettuce on his plate I would think that was incredibly weird and rude. Because in a buffet there are clear and consistent rules of engagement. Family meal time has much less clear rules.

My kids wait their turn, clear their plates, say please and thank you, all of that is modeled. But they also sometimes ask for food and as long as they do so politely I give it to them. I don't really see extreme rudeness in OP's example.

If that's how it is served at your house, and that's what everyone expects great!

What you don't seem to grasp is that People Are Different From You and clearly OP has already stated that they set it out buffet style, with a line. So do I. So do a lot of people I know. So IN THE CONTEXT OF A BUFFET, your free-for-all behavior would indeed be rude.

Could you bump those posts? I didn't see any post that really specified that. A lot of posts where what she described could be read one way or another. It's OP that can't envision anyone different than her as she feels this is a personal slight instead of some kind of weird quirk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

If there is a line, you are rude. Wait your turn. Simple. Would you do this at a buffet out in public?!

A buffet out in public is not a pizza box in your house? So no...

I model and reinforce good behavior for my kids at home so that I can be sure they show good manners in public. I also show my loved ones the same basic courtesy I show strangers in public. If I don’t treat my love ones with respect and courtesy, my manners in public matter very little.

It seems you have different standards.

I don't understand, when a pizza box is delivered to your home or a family outing, you don't have a bunch of people kind of approach the box and then people take/hand out slices kind of haphazardly? This happens regularly with my family. It isn't seen as rude. If someone got the pizza alone maybe they had time to set it up in a row on the counter and a line starts, but frequently they just kind of get opened en masse at the table and maybe I'm in front of the cheese and also want a piece of pepperoni and will say, hey DH will you please grab me one while you're over there and he will do it. It has literally nothing to do with how I would behave at a restaurant in a buffet line which is an inherently different operation. If OP's story was at a restaurant and she was like, putting lettuce on her plate and FIL sidled up and demand that she put lettuce on his plate I would think that was incredibly weird and rude. Because in a buffet there are clear and consistent rules of engagement. Family meal time has much less clear rules.

My kids wait their turn, clear their plates, say please and thank you, all of that is modeled. But they also sometimes ask for food and as long as they do so politely I give it to them. I don't really see extreme rudeness in OP's example.

If that's how it is served at your house, and that's what everyone expects great!

What you don't seem to grasp is that People Are Different From You and clearly OP has already stated that they set it out buffet style, with a line. So do I. So do a lot of people I know. So IN THE CONTEXT OF A BUFFET, your free-for-all behavior would indeed be rude.

Could you bump those posts? I didn't see any post that really specified that. A lot of posts where what she described could be read one way or another. It's OP that can't envision anyone different than her as she feels this is a personal slight instead of some kind of weird quirk

When OP came back and said her second example was a pizza buffet, it specifies it was buffet/line.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t know if this clarifies anything or not, but here is the part that bothers me: in every one of these scenarios it is either “everyone serve themselves” (buffet or pizza examples) or family style, which is “take some for yourself and then pass down.” In no scenario does anyone need to be serving anyone else (small children excluded.)

The only exception I could see the “host” serving is something really hard to pass down like a lasagna or something, but even then most likely we’d serve that buffet style.

TL;DR - just serve yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t know if this clarifies anything or not, but here is the part that bothers me: in every one of these scenarios it is either “everyone serve themselves” (buffet or pizza examples) or family style, which is “take some for yourself and then pass down.” In no scenario does anyone need to be serving anyone else (small children excluded.)

The only exception I could see the “host” serving is something really hard to pass down like a lasagna or something, but even then most likely we’d serve that buffet style.

TL;DR - just serve yourself!

Amen! I agree.

[Anonymous]

OP: If there's a bowl with mashed potatoes sitting on the table right next to him, will he serve himself, or hold up his plate and ask you to do it for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

If there is a line, you are rude. Wait your turn. Simple. Would you do this at a buffet out in public?!

Seriously. This 60-year-old "elder" clearly needs to go back to kindergarten, where he should have learned turn-taking and manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: If there's a bowl with mashed potatoes sitting on the table right next to him, will he serve himself, or hold up his plate and ask you to do it for him?

If it’s literally right next to him he will, but if it’s anywhere else, rather than ask for it to be passed or just wait, he asks to be served and holds his plate out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: If there's a bowl with mashed potatoes sitting on the table right next to him, will he serve himself, or hold up his plate and ask you to do it for him?

If it’s literally right next to him he will, but if it’s anywhere else, rather than ask for it to be passed or just wait, he asks to be served and holds his plate out.

Dp. Youre wasting a lot of energy on something silly. If you’re already there holding the pizza or serving spoon than it costs nothing but a flick of the wrist to tolerate this.

If it was directed at just you I’d say you have a point but again, I think he’s bugging you overall because this is just silly like leave the toothpaste uncapped level offense

[Anonymous]

Ignore. Let someone else be his slave.

[Anonymous]

"Wait a second Bill, then you can get some."

I can see why it's aggravating. He can wait and serve himself.

[Anonymous]

I would simply say, "Help yourself!"

Or whip a large spoonful of mashed potatoes toward his face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh! Just spoon some f$cking potatoes on the guy’s plate and be done with it.

Am I an insane person? Because more and more I’m finding that you all make no sense to me whatsoever. This post and your follow up commentary has taken more time than an entire lifetime of plopping down an extra helping of food on a relative’s plate when he asks for it.

I feel 200% in line with this poster. This seems like a super mental thing to be upset about. He must be bothering you generally and this thing is emblematic of the larger issues? If not that then you seem really overly intense about a minor thing he does to everyone

OP here. I just checked back in after a few days. I’m really surprised at this response. Here’s another example. Pizza boxes are on the island, we are using paper plates, super informal. I walk up to the island with my plate. Open the box of the pizza I would like, and before I can put any on my own plate, FIL sticks his arm in with his plate and says, “can you put 2 on my plate?” If he waited just 25 seconds I would have been done and completely out of his way. My answer was “when I’m finished serving myself I will” but I’d like him to just stop doing this altogether. I think it’s obnoxious and rude. I wouldn’t tolerate this from my children at any age.

I'm the PP. I honestly don't really get this one either, you're standing in front of open pizza boxes and someone asks you to hand them one? This happens all the time in my house when there is pizza around. Maybe I am misunderstanding but I would also not think twice about my kid coming up with a plate when I was in front of the boxes and asking for a piece. Did you have a plate yourself? I mean I'd just put one on my plate and then put one on his plate. This whole thing is like a 10 second interaction, took a lot longer to write this post than to put the pizza on the plate.

But that is why I said it really sounds like you are just generally looking for times when he does this and finding him overall extremely annoying. Which is fine? Maybe he is generally a very irritating person! Hard to tell, but these examples you're giving just seem like...something I would zero time being upset about. If he was pushing you out of the way to get to the pizza, or like, grabbing your hand to stop you serving yourself, or pouting and whining if you served your kids first, or ONLY asking you to do these things, that's all stuff I could buy, but honestly like, asking the person in front of the box for a slice is just...normal?

This. When we get pizza, the boxes go in the kitchen while we eat in the dining room. If anyone gets up to get a slice, they ask the rest of the table if they want one, and bring back for those folks who do before they serve themselves. Really not seeing the issue here. OP should be offering in the first place.

For non-pizza meals, yes, I always serve my guests or older family members before myself. I serve my kids before myself too. Now if it's time for seconds and a kid asks for seconds before others have had firsts, the answer is no; and if it were a guest asking, I'd say "sure, one second, let me just make sure everyone's gotten their first round and then I'll help you out."

And DH serves everyone else before himself too so it isn't a gender thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: If there's a bowl with mashed potatoes sitting on the table right next to him, will he serve himself, or hold up his plate and ask you to do it for him?

If it’s literally right next to him he will, but if it’s anywhere else, rather than ask for it to be passed or just wait, he asks to be served and holds his plate out.

Maybe the serving bowl is too heavy for him and he doesn't want to admit that. That is certainly the issue for my mother and grandparents. I would never dream of passing the bowl to them. I'd either ask them to hold out their plates, or I'd get up from the table and walk over to them and serve them. They don't need to ask, either. The bowls are heavy, I can see they are straining, I'd rather get up and help than risk breaking dishware and splattering food.

[Anonymous]

What is the harm of handing him a piece of pizza or putting a scoop of mashed potatoes on his plate. Yes, he is not being polite, but it seems like you are far more bothered by this than it is worth. All my in-laws have quirks. Some more annoying than others, but this is so minor.

Op, if it really bothers you, do not walk up to the buffet until he has his food. Step back and go last.