Reply to For Better, or Worse: "Open" marriage with a medical ill spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is chronically ill with both depression and afew different physical ailments. I think the physical ailments are made worse by his depressed person's lifestyle. He's generally very low energy and hasn't held a full time job in over five years.

He parents well emotionally, though he doesn't do much around the house and  I'm still primary caregiver even though I work two jobs.

We all have health insurance through my main job.

If we split we'd have to sell the house and he would live on his share of the equity.  It would be hard to find somewhere to live for what I pay now, and my kids would lose their home.

I don't have a hall pass. My husband has become very touchy about everything. It's taken years to learn to tip toe around his feelings of self loathing so he doesn't feel stung comparing himself to my relatively normal life.

But I was losing my mind without sex and companionship; my husband is still an emotionally engaged father but he has nothing to talk about, no passions, he doesn't even volunteer.

So I have a relationship that includes sex and interaction with a peer - someone else who knows the pressures of working, being a bread winner, having people depending on you. And whose spouse gave up sex after menopause.

It's not my dream; I married my husband because I loved him and wanted a partner. He's not one, but his issues can't take away my home or my kids half the time. [/quote]

This situation is probably more common than we care to admit. The other spouse doesn’t even have to be depressed or physically ill. Sometimes people just lose that spark. Or, actually, they never really had it to begin with and it becomes more apparent after years of marriage. The difficulty is admitting it to each other without blowing up your lives or your kids’ lives. Or maybe for some like PP the cleanest answer would be giving someone permission to date someone else for the sake of saving the household and family unit. Lots of divorces don’t have to end with animosity but oh they do. But sometimes “he (or she) is just not that into you” is the truth. [/quote]

Sure it's common, but divorce is always an option. That's what I'm chosing to do. I could easily have an affair but I am an honest person, and not deluded enough to think it could never be discovered. [/quote]

It was more acceptable (mostly for men) ito have someone on the side when marriage was only about property, political ties and producing legitimate children, not love and total devotion. [/quote]

Not uncoincidentally, back in those olden days, women didn't have any power to leave the marriage, so they pretty much had to put up with the philandering no matter the reason for it.  I don't think it was ever acceptable; women just didn't have any power to do anything about it.

The hard case is if the spouse is truly disabled or unable to care for the kids on their own (yet would likely get shared custody).  Otherwise, it sounds like this PP is just staying together in the bad marriage because she doesnt' want to lose her home equity. Which is not quite a sterling example of values.

Signed,
Soon to be Living in a 1 Bedroom Apartment Because I Value Honesty[/quote]

PP here. I've been advised that shared custody is the overwhelmingly likely result.

But also, moving house to house or losing their father entirely is a terrible result for the kids. I'd be happy to live on a little place; not happy to upend their lives. [/quote]

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