Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

It is posts like this that make me think that I probably could cut off my BPD parent without them living in a pit of sadness and rejection. They would quickly rationalize it, paint me as the villain and move on with their life. Where I would probably be plagued with guilt.

+1. amazing how the pp quickly let herself off the hook for not helping her son with mental health issues and blames her ex for it. Another hallmark of the toxic estranged parent is that she claims it was over some extremely minor slight and blames her own child's SO. It's just not logical that pp and her son had a great relationship then one gift mistake and their relationship is over. Now pp has no interest in fixing it because deep down she knows she's to blame and isn't willing to correct her own behavior to enable a relationship with her own son. And she's cool with just not having a relationship with her own offspring, no regrets? No decent parent would take this position.

Yes! One of my mom's most defining features is that she has loathed every person that I loved that was a strong influence in my life. Close friends, boyfriends, other family members, husband etc.

In some ways I think she has mentally replaced me with my daughter and now views ME as potential corrupting influence on her granddaughter's love for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my adult son wanted to propose to someone in a Disneyland theme park (!) I would cut him off right then and there, and never look back.

Because you wouid consider it a bad reflection on your parenting? How odd to end a relationship over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Mom sounds like suffering from NPD. I hope the son cuts her off and does a whole bunch of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

It is posts like this that make me think that I probably could cut off my BPD parent without them living in a pit of sadness and rejection. They would quickly rationalize it, paint me as the villain and move on with their life. Where I would probably be plagued with guilt.

+1. amazing how the pp quickly let herself off the hook for not helping her son with mental health issues and blames her ex for it. Another hallmark of the toxic estranged parent is that she claims it was over some extremely minor slight and blames her own child's SO. It's just not logical that pp and her son had a great relationship then one gift mistake and their relationship is over. Now pp has no interest in fixing it because deep down she knows she's to blame and isn't willing to correct her own behavior to enable a relationship with her own son. And she's cool with just not having a relationship with her own offspring, no regrets? No decent parent would take this position.

Yes! One of my mom's most defining features is that she has loathed every person that I loved that was a strong influence in my life. Close friends, boyfriends, other family members, husband etc.

In some ways I think she has mentally replaced me with my daughter and now views ME as potential corrupting influence on her granddaughter's love for her.

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately that's a hallmark trait. You probably already know this, but please monitor her interactions with your daughter. Let your daughter know about your mom's issues in age appropriate ways throughout her childhood. Help teach your daughter what I'm sure was horribly painful for you to learn so she knows what to look for and doesn't get entwined in a dysfunctional relationship with either your mom or others. You don't want her growing up unaware that this isn't normal behavior. Otherwise she's likely to seek out these relationships in the future because it's what she knows. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

It is posts like this that make me think that I probably could cut off my BPD parent without them living in a pit of sadness and rejection. They would quickly rationalize it, paint me as the villain and move on with their life. Where I would probably be plagued with guilt.

+1. amazing how the pp quickly let herself off the hook for not helping her son with mental health issues and blames her ex for it. Another hallmark of the toxic estranged parent is that she claims it was over some extremely minor slight and blames her own child's SO. It's just not logical that pp and her son had a great relationship then one gift mistake and their relationship is over. Now pp has no interest in fixing it because deep down she knows she's to blame and isn't willing to correct her own behavior to enable a relationship with her own son. And she's cool with just not having a relationship with her own offspring, no regrets? No decent parent would take this position.

Yes! One of my mom's most defining features is that she has loathed every person that I loved that was a strong influence in my life. Close friends, boyfriends, other family members, husband etc.

In some ways I think she has mentally replaced me with my daughter and now views ME as potential corrupting influence on her granddaughter's love for her.

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately that's a hallmark trait. You probably already know this, but please monitor her interactions with your daughter. Let your daughter know about your mom's issues in age appropriate ways throughout her childhood. Help teach your daughter what I'm sure was horribly painful for you to learn so she knows what to look for and doesn't get entwined in a dysfunctional relationship with either your mom or others. You don't want her growing up unaware that this isn't normal behavior. Otherwise she's likely to seek out these relationships in the future because it's what she knows. Take care.

Yes, she told me the other day that grandparents are allowed to have 'favorite' grandchildren. And that my daughter would be in that case. She is fully aware that if she crosses the line with the kids that she'll be cut off. I have cut her off temporarily quite a few times so strong boundaries are in place. I am very insistent on discussing what she and grandma talk about, and I monitor all phone conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

Spoken like a true narcissist! So, you drove all the way to your son's college (probably unannounced) to drop off a present for his girlfriend's dog. Let me guess. You'd had a fight and were "love bombing" or you wanted to check up on things and used the gift as a reason to come by. Then, you told all his siblings he has mental health issues like his father but that they can still have a relationship with you even if he's "rejected you." We don't know his side--hence the quotation marks. Google "flying monkeys." And...you have a son in college, other children, and a newborn. This all hints at the fact you've had multiple relationships and your son was born into an unstable home life. Me thinks you need to do some soul searching, but never will. Your obvious response is going to be to say I'm looking too much into what you've said...however, anyone who's ever had to deal with narcissists know exactly what you've done. Your son is smart to keep his distance. Kudos to him.

The fact that you imagined, and typed out, this wildly false scenario, tells me all I need to know about YOUR mental health. Not going to even attempt to refute this because it's that insane.

[Anonymous]

My mother is a pro at cutting people out of her life. She could gold medal in it.

First there was my biological father: he was an alcoholic and abused her. They got married young. And divorced right after I was born.

When I was little, she married my dad. She knew him for 6 months and he lived in another country. She did not tell my biological dad that she was getting married and leaving the country.

She never got along with her in-laws. According to her they never liked her, they were always looking for ways to slight her, etc. My mom's favorite thing to say when people don't like you, they are just jealous. Over time we spent less and less time with them.

In my teens we had to cut off an uncle and an aunt because the uncle was having some issues and he had a disagreement with my grandmother. This estrangement lasted until my uncle died and then my mom ended up taking care of my aunt in her final years.

My mother never maintains friendships for long (aside from a childhood friend and a friend from college). Everyone else she either alienates or she lets the friendship die.

Before my grandmother died, she was cut off as was my mother's brother at the same time. There's more to the story, but I'm tired of typing.

My mother is extremely good at manipulating me. I'm embarrassed to admit this as I'm in my early 50's. I'm extremely cautious in what I share with my mother. She frequently complains I tell her nothing, but I edit what I share.

My mother never likes when I have friends -- she will make digs about how family is more important than friends, etc.

And yet, I can't cut her off. It seems so cruel. Not to mention she would probably hunt me down (sort of joking).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

Spoken like a true narcissist! So, you drove all the way to your son's college (probably unannounced) to drop off a present for his girlfriend's dog. Let me guess. You'd had a fight and were "love bombing" or you wanted to check up on things and used the gift as a reason to come by. Then, you told all his siblings he has mental health issues like his father but that they can still have a relationship with you even if he's "rejected you." We don't know his side--hence the quotation marks. Google "flying monkeys." And...you have a son in college, other children, and a newborn. This all hints at the fact you've had multiple relationships and your son was born into an unstable home life. Me thinks you need to do some soul searching, but never will. Your obvious response is going to be to say I'm looking too much into what you've said...however, anyone who's ever had to deal with narcissists know exactly what you've done. Your son is smart to keep his distance. Kudos to him.

The fact that you imagined, and typed out, this wildly false scenario, tells me all I need to know about YOUR mental health. Not going to even attempt to refute this because it's that insane.

So, PP has a mental health problem...as does your son’s biological father, your son, AND your DIL. Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a pro at cutting people out of her life. She could gold medal in it.

First there was my biological father: he was an alcoholic and abused her. They got married young. And divorced right after I was born.

When I was little, she married my dad. She knew him for 6 months and he lived in another country. She did not tell my biological dad that she was getting married and leaving the country.

She never got along with her in-laws. According to her they never liked her, they were always looking for ways to slight her, etc. My mom's favorite thing to say when people don't like you, they are just jealous. Over time we spent less and less time with them.

In my teens we had to cut off an uncle and an aunt because the uncle was having some issues and he had a disagreement with my grandmother. This estrangement lasted until my uncle died and then my mom ended up taking care of my aunt in her final years.

My mother never maintains friendships for long (aside from a childhood friend and a friend from college). Everyone else she either alienates or she lets the friendship die.

Before my grandmother died, she was cut off as was my mother's brother at the same time. There's more to the story, but I'm tired of typing.

My mother is extremely good at manipulating me. I'm embarrassed to admit this as I'm in my early 50's. I'm extremely cautious in what I share with my mother. She frequently complains I tell her nothing, but I edit what I share.

My mother never likes when I have friends -- she will make digs about how family is more important than friends, etc.

And yet, I can't cut her off. It seems so cruel. Not to mention she would probably hunt me down (sort of joking).

... and the point of this story is..? If you cut people off you’re bad and manipulative, but if you’re nice and good you continue to suffer in silence and that’s what people should do? There is a lot to unpack here, hope you’re in therapy or considering it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

Spoken like a true narcissist! So, you drove all the way to your son's college (probably unannounced) to drop off a present for his girlfriend's dog. Let me guess. You'd had a fight and were "love bombing" or you wanted to check up on things and used the gift as a reason to come by. Then, you told all his siblings he has mental health issues like his father but that they can still have a relationship with you even if he's "rejected you." We don't know his side--hence the quotation marks. Google "flying monkeys." And...you have a son in college, other children, and a newborn. This all hints at the fact you've had multiple relationships and your son was born into an unstable home life. Me thinks you need to do some soul searching, but never will. Your obvious response is going to be to say I'm looking too much into what you've said...however, anyone who's ever had to deal with narcissists know exactly what you've done. Your son is smart to keep his distance. Kudos to him.

The fact that you imagined, and typed out, this wildly false scenario, tells me all I need to know about YOUR mental health. Not going to even attempt to refute this because it's that insane.

And . . . another hallmark trait: refusing to discuss the issue and getting focusing on the WAY someone said something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is a pro at cutting people out of her life. She could gold medal in it.

First there was my biological father: he was an alcoholic and abused her. They got married young. And divorced right after I was born.

When I was little, she married my dad. She knew him for 6 months and he lived in another country. She did not tell my biological dad that she was getting married and leaving the country.

She never got along with her in-laws. According to her they never liked her, they were always looking for ways to slight her, etc. My mom's favorite thing to say when people don't like you, they are just jealous. Over time we spent less and less time with them.

In my teens we had to cut off an uncle and an aunt because the uncle was having some issues and he had a disagreement with my grandmother. This estrangement lasted until my uncle died and then my mom ended up taking care of my aunt in her final years.

My mother never maintains friendships for long (aside from a childhood friend and a friend from college). Everyone else she either alienates or she lets the friendship die.

Before my grandmother died, she was cut off as was my mother's brother at the same time. There's more to the story, but I'm tired of typing.

My mother is extremely good at manipulating me. I'm embarrassed to admit this as I'm in my early 50's. I'm extremely cautious in what I share with my mother. She frequently complains I tell her nothing, but I edit what I share.

My mother never likes when I have friends -- she will make digs about how family is more important than friends, etc.

And yet, I can't cut her off. It seems so cruel. Not to mention she would probably hunt me down (sort of joking).

... and the point of this story is..? If you cut people off you’re bad and manipulative, but if you’re nice and good you continue to suffer in silence and that’s what people should do? There is a lot to unpack here, hope you’re in therapy or considering it.

+1

Posts like the above PP and the previous rambling NPD mom with the gift for the dog make me so happy I’m at peace with estrangement from a toxic family member.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't a dog, and I am at peace as well. It's not safe or healthy to allow other people's toxicity and mental issues to negatively impact your life or the lives of others around you. You can't control people, and can only control your own environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It wasn't a dog, and I am at peace as well. It's not safe or healthy to allow other people's toxicity and mental issues to negatively impact your life or the lives of others around you. You can't control people, and can only control your own environment.

So, you feel you have no responsibility as it relates to this situation with your son? You have not contributed in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe the person who doesn’t go out of their way to air their side of a personal relationship publicly. There’s something wrong with a person who does that.

They do that out of the same heartache as a death.
Millennials need to understand how relationships work and how to communicate. Estrangement is epic in this generation and it is usually a daughter or son in law that draws a line in the sand. I've heard a ton of stories as to why someone thinks their MIL is toxic. They don't know what toxic means. Any comment is misconstrued, ever thought, and taken personally...and then the family is cut off.

I’d argue that people are finally starting to demand to be treated better. Being a MIL doesn’t give you a license to say horrible comments. In previous generations women were expected to just take it. Sorry but no one is treating me badly. People make mistakes, but continue to insult me and cause trouble and yes, you will be cut off.

Or maybe someone is the type of person who needs so much validation that they read slights into everything. That is what I see. I know someone who went to a craft store with her DIL. Mil carried the baby, and saw a friend. The friend said to the MIL, who knew there was a new grandchild, " Is that the new baby?" Mil said " Yes! It's our new addition!"
DIL made her apologize later that night , with the husband/son in tow to watch, for the word "our." " It's not YOUR baby!" She was angry, and crying, that Mom used the word "our." SIL, husband's sister suggested that DIL might be overtired. The entire family has been cut off . It's been years. No contact. There are more stories like this. Don't ever assume there is always the "right" one and inlaws or parents are always monsters.

I'd bet a million dollars that the MIL had been acting like its equally/partially her baby up to that point, and it was that behavior and not the particular words that day that caused the estrangement. Like the MIL complaining that she doesn't get to see "our new baby" enough, for example. The fact is that it's not her baby at ALL unless the parents of the baby want that to be the case.

Seriously? You’re going to defend an entire family being cut off because A GRANDMOTHER WAS OVERJOYED ABOUT A NEW BABY? Seriously? Do you really not see the sick need for control and dominance that reflects? As well as, yes, narcissism? Cutting the husband off from his family for wanting to see their grandchild — that’s some cult shit right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on!

I hope this is a joke. You did not get DIL a gift and wonder why she is upset? She should have gotten a gift instead of the pet UNLESS it had been discussed and cleared beforehand that it was ok to substitute a normal gift for her for one for her pet. Also, I'm assuming it was something like a dog bed/chew toy and not a saddle that acknowledges a hobby and that she could use. You sent a huge sign of rejection and I'm not sure they are distancing you because of "mental health issues" so much as ridding themselves of contact with someone they consider thoughtless, rude, and unsupportive of their marriage.

Not PP. My God you are crazy. Seek help.