Reply to Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms

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Reply to "Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] I'm also a mom who has an estranged ds. I have several other children, also. Ds is married.

Like the author of the article, the trouble began when the ds married. Unfortunately, dil has some signifigent mental health issues. Ds likely does as well, his biological father did so sometimes that happens.

One example of this is-their first Christmas, they were in temporary housing for college, and I got her a nice present for her beloved pet. In fact, I drove a long distance to purchase this-with my own then-newborn baby along-knowing that they had limited space and finances. Plus, they had mentioned this item for the pet and I was excited to buy it for her.

I then got a phone call from ds, questioning why I had gotten a present for pet and not dil? I could hear her in the backround of this call. I really did not know what to say.

They distanced themselves after this, and I am fine with that. Unlike the lady in the article, I'm not too upset, and I realize the problem is not with me-it's their mental illnesses. I can't take ownership of that.

I told the other kids (all young adults except for the little one) they of course can have any relationship they want with ds. One talks occasionally, the others choose none. I do not allow any contact with the little one-I won't expose the child to the mental illness.

I'm ok with the estrangement and don't mind how it is now. I ensured that ds had a good childhood and education and did my job well. Life goes on![/quote]

It is posts like this that make me think that I probably could cut off my BPD parent without them living in a pit of sadness and rejection. They would quickly rationalize it, paint me as the villain and move on with their life.  Where I would probably be plagued with guilt. [/quote]

+1. amazing how the pp quickly let herself off the hook for not helping her son with mental health issues and blames her ex for it. Another hallmark of the toxic estranged parent is that she claims it was over some extremely minor slight and blames her own child's SO. It's just not logical that pp and her son had a great relationship then one gift mistake and their relationship is over. Now pp has no interest in fixing it because deep down she knows she's to blame and isn't willing to correct her own behavior to enable a relationship with her own son. And she's cool with just not having a relationship with her own offspring, no regrets? No decent parent would take this position.[/quote]

Yes! One of my mom's most defining features is that she has loathed every person that I loved that was a strong influence in my life. Close friends, boyfriends, other family members, husband etc.

In some ways I think she has mentally replaced me with my daughter and now views ME as potential corrupting influence on her granddaughter's love for her. [/quote]

I'm sorry to hear this. Unfortunately that's a hallmark trait. You probably already know this, but please monitor her interactions with your daughter. Let your daughter know about your mom's issues in age appropriate ways throughout her childhood. Help teach your daughter what I'm sure was horribly painful for you to learn so she knows what to look for and doesn't get entwined in a dysfunctional relationship with either your mom or others. You don't want her growing up unaware that this isn't normal behavior. Otherwise she's likely to seek out these relationships in the future because it's what she knows. Take care.[/quote]

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